Sanctum II

Here we go again... & absolute boredom

2011-10-02T22:00:00.000+11:00

I've been in my new place for about a month now.

I've "headed out" and "met" with probably half a dozen or so people and "interacted" with at least another half a dozen or more. I AM SO BORED and yet I get sick of everything so incredibly easily. I'm restless and I don't know what it is that I want.

No scratch I know what I want but I'm not sure how about I am going to go about finding it. Partnerships don't drop out of thing air, but I can't be bothered trying because I expect nothing but everything at the same time. Within microseconds I envision and I have it planned - life evidently doesn't work that way.
I curl back into my shell and turn a blind eye to "things" and other heart-ly desires as I try for the n(th) time to focus back onto myself. A perfect body doesn't mean much in the way of relations but I'm not going to chance my personality so there's not much point there.

I get fucked over by my emotions beneath the surface and I can't keep doing it.

Actually, I can - but I don't think its healthy. For example, should I head out next Sat and try again... A part of me says I should, another says, don't be stupid. Nothing will change and more importantly, your not going to get what your after. But if I don't try, how will I know... hmmm

Tomorrow, I start back at ballet. Here we go again.

Dread

2011-08-31T21:54:00.000+10:00

I have this simple sense of dread. That nothing will become of anything and that I won't accomplish anything! Yet, ironically, I want things to just stop, so I KNOW how to breathe. I feel tight in the chest, I daydream but I can't envision myself along the journey.

Self sabotage and self worth

2011-08-29T16:24:00.004+10:00

There really aren't any words. I have words which float through my mind, dreams which are more vivid than real life but when I wake up, I'm tired, irritated and disengaged from what I actually see.

The following short really hit a cord with me but if you asked me to say why, I'd probably wouldn't be able to articulate it well enough.
I'll let you be your judge.

This is the following commentary by the director. I genuinely applaud him.

Socially awkward

2011-08-27T17:06:00.002+10:00

Does it seem a bit absurd that one could feel socially awkward around nearly everyone?

I don't know what to think or do. I'm happy to take my lumps as far as the next person but perhaps I am too eager to voice my discomfort or my opinions.

I need to seek solace. I don't know where though.

I feel as though I need to change. I feel like I am out of my mind. Out of place...

But then I hear songs like this on the radio, and it makes me think. Is this suppose to be uplifting or something more complementary of the situation.

Inertia

2011-08-23T23:46:00.000+10:00

An object at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force is applied onto it.

That pretty much sums up my current situation in regards to getting myself back to the gym, ballet and life in general. I've been sick, granted for a while now and though it hasn't been the most comfortable of things - I've mainly sleep, eaten and laid about doing nothing. ~~I was a fat lazy bum.~~

I was more or less rested, ate when I felt hungry and sleep in copious amount of hours as my body requested.

Now, I have to get back to the gym, because I have somehow managed to gain 12kgs. I have lost a lot of strength at ballet and getting up at 6:30 in the morning has not been SO hard in a long time. I want to simply collapse and crawl under a rock and simply be small. Pointless, unobtrusive and infinity minute.

It the same as giving up! I know... but its always easier to give up.

I once recall someone telling me, anything worthwhile require hard work. Yes, I know but please don't preach to me about that. I know... I'm just b!tching here to vent.

Also, side note. My father and computers is FUCKED and annoying beyond all hell. My father as an individual is one fucing lazy irresponsible douche. The man never ceases to piss me off. Is all this uncalled for? You deal with the 'real' him, past his facade for the mere purpose of public image and then tell me again.

Genetics

2011-08-21T23:42:00.000+10:00

Are we doomed to live out the life of our parents?!

For most of us, we don't ever want to be our parents. However, genetics they make up the core of our being. In childhood, they shaped our personalities, fears, and weird quirks. Even with my own minimal exposure to my parents I do understand that I've picked up certain less than desirable qualities from them. Ironically the bad from both sides...

I always end up arguing with them whenever we meet. I am so sick of this. Shouldn't they be a source of comfort and love... No.....

It's like a horrible nightmare!

Body Image

2011-08-19T22:58:00.000+10:00

I'm not sure if I have a body image problem or whether or not my issues with my overall body are warranted given that I want to dance.

My overall skeletal looseness and lack of strength I can somewhat deal with. It's a matter of getting stronger. However what I don't understand is why I struggle so much. I don't see any muscles definition, everything is just round. ROUND!!!

Ballet is about lines and I have roundness. I have to say the inevitable words. FML.

So, what about dieting. However, this leaves me even weaker!! To improve I need fuel, which if you want to diet, you can't. Throw in the gym and etc etc etc. Again. FML

Hey look, I'm some kind of moronic hipster. I should type like tis kewl ey?

Money & Power

2011-08-18T20:29:00.000+10:00

My serious lack of will power pisses me off.
I find it a matter of constant discouragement and disappointment - which is ironic given that it then becomes a strong demotivation.

My latest Credit Card bill has also, and my goodness.
I am f*cked.

I didn't head into ballet like I wanted to either today which is a bit ~~ajbgvacbgsd~~ and quite naturally I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. Must stop.

Double back

2011-08-17T22:01:00.000+10:00

It would appear I am giving this thing another shot.
Along with a bunch of other things I am trying to get organised. I think in life everything is always in a constant disarray and mediocrity that only in death shall we endure a moment of peace. ~~Morbid much?~~
I think the last time I was here it was much the same.
Housing, in the process of sorting.
~~Uni?~~ Piece of paper which proposes sub-standard income guarantee, errrrm. Where's that assignment go?
Pursuit of idyllic child-like dreams, Ballet, Ummm, I must say reality is really kicking its ass... MUST FIGHT ....BACK
Money? What money, I don't owe you any money?!?! ]
Unemployment - I mean work!! Well, they say unemployment is down. Which makes sense because I can't find a job anywhere, everyone must be already employed :/
Relationship - I have one which myself, Me Gusta. lol Forever Along.

Funsucker

2010-02-13T20:54:00.000+11:00

Funsuckers: individuals who are capable of sucking all the fun/happiness out of a room simply by being present or even nearby.

Someone who you avoid at cost because they are also heavily ignorant of how much people dispises them.

Individuals who just don't get it; individuals who can't seem to ever function normally on a social/any level.

Even on Valentine's Day/ Chinese New Years Eve, when everything else has been so perfectly fun/good...

People I hate.

My father.

FUCK YOU!

Fuck you...

Average letdowns

2010-02-06T19:48:00.004+11:00

I think people by nature can just let you down.

It can come at any moment in time (and this can be anyone, the person your in a relationship with, friends or family etc.) and a lot of the time it's not because they have done anything in particular but its something within their personality which just doesn't click with you. They go about doing/saying something, or not doing something, which invariably you don't understand as to why they have said that or why thay have made that/those choice/s... Thus, a clash in viewpoints/perspectives/personality (whatever you want to call it) occurs and they, from your perspective, they have disappointed you/pissed you off etc...

Am I making any sense? I hope I am... I'm not saying this to rage or to whine - but it was just a thought that came to me. Afterall, no one sensible in their right mind goes out of their way to annoy or disappoint those around them, right? Unless they had some weird evil vengeance thing going for them...

Anyway, I thought it was enlightening.

Proactive solution - we're not talking about the ad here...

2010-02-04T22:25:00.003+11:00

I am trying to be more proactive. Now and more generally for the rest of the year/life :)

I'm going to take greater initiative in my studies when they do roll around sometime in March. I use to be quite an industrious individual if I say so myself (wankerish boasting), and I know I can be that person again. Afterall, it's that, that gets results... we're all been told its not necessarily talent but the hours and dedication you put into what you do.

Starting this already, I'm being more proactive in my ballet. Taking more notes, which are in many ways quite time consuming but I'm hoping this is only a temporary set back as I'm not yet use to writing down dance notations. But I can do it, I have and I will.

In addition, I'm going to find more time to spend it with my good friends. Given the fact that I have now recently acquired an extra hour from changing dance schools, give or take. I'm going to call up the people I want to meet up with, make a time and go hang out with them... even if this means meeting with them in 3/4 weeks time, it's still going to be much more frequent than compared to what I use to do.

On another note, being proactive in my opinion also means understanding certain limits. They must be set/recognised for/in oneself. More specifically, I'm setting a time limit on how long I am going to be emotionally driven to invest in situation no. 3 (see previous post). Though everything has been quite nice - it seems to have come to halt recently. I'm not hugely upset about this (reasons also given previous post). But to play the game, I'm going to be a bit more passive so they can make more of the first moves... That being said, I am still invested so sometimes I do take the first shot in contacting them. This will continue till a bit past Feb 14th - Valentines Day (It's 2 Sundays away), after which point I am going to let it go - to be handled by them/greater power (blah blah blah, whatever that may be)

All this does sound very nice. I am very much hoping its not a "thing" I simply have for tonight.

BIG LAME SMILEY FACE.

Situation No. (3) Three

2010-01-28T23:34:00.006+11:00

Whoa - the month is nearly over and its hard to believe the first month of 2010 has nearly come and gone.

Funny that. It seemed like just yesterday I was so bitter.

The story since then has been odd but interesting and also a life long lesson I probably needed to learn.

There are so many people in this world. You can have almost any type of relationship with anyone.

Sounds vague, but my point being in one situation you may be the one chasing someone who is clearly (in retrospect) emotionally unavailable. You obviously like them more than they like you... It just takes a while for your thick skull to comes to terms with that. So, you sit and you worry, and you wait... and wait... You keep chasing; you become quite annoying, if not very annoying.

For me, that was situation number one. The result of which was a lot of bitterness... (none of which they probably cared about.)

After a while though, I decided I simply needed some validation and clearly nothing says that like an average date with someone you have no particular interest in or interests with. THEN driving from Melbourne to Portsea for some well needed, R&R, alone by the sea. It was such an amazing experience whereby things came into perspective and I couldn't help but smile... it was exactly what I needed.

However it was only a couple of days later in which I would see that entire situation play out in reverse.

Leading to situation number two, whereby your the one being chased. You feel completely validated but it turns out, that person, clearly likes you more than you like them. You've overshot. You clearly see your own mistakes from the otherside... it's unexpectedly horrid, they get quite needy, and they get very annoying.

Situation number two, left me reeling - I SO don't need to go there ever again. And the result was a lot of bitterness on their part... (this time, none of which I care about.)

I was incredibly put off...

As luck would have it though... there was situation number three. And it stands that you find yourself, very hopefully, somewhere in middle. It seemed like a breathe of fresh air (your friends have good insight - and you pray they are right). You've made mistakes and you've (hopefully) learned, and your put to the test. After some very deep yet light hearted discussions (oxymoron anyone?) discerning your past, you come to discover, it so happens your on neither side of the extremities - or so it appears thus far. There seems to be an equal amount of push and pull at all the right emotional levels...

...And that makes three. I find all this incredibly interesting to say the least. If there is such a thing as fate, it's cruel and plays funny jokes alright. If there isn't, then I can clearly claim even though it has been rough, I have learned to enjoy these oddly set of coincidences. Lessons have been learnt...

I say this often, but its often with a pre-determined feeling or emotional charge. Not this time, I say it with what I believe, greater purity, outside of pre-determined expectations and emotional charges... only time will tell.

Jaded

2009-12-26T18:19:00.000+11:00

I'm so bitter right now...

Summer days

2009-12-21T16:19:00.005+11:00

So Summer is now here and it's been 3 weeks since I last updated.

The ballet production is now over and I am beyond relieved! It went alright (a word I've been accused of saying way too much and applying to an array of actual feelings). Overall, I was happy with it but I think I'm still in greater awe that's its over - that perhaps, somehow all of 'it' [refer to previous post) is worth it. I've been told its an emotional rollercoaster... I wish it wasn't though.

I think I'm more or less going back next year and perhaps that may stem purely out of my own lazy to make a change about it. Either changing school or the other hard decision as to "Why the hell am I doing this?" (Another friend told me that this mental block comes to everyone who dances full-time at some point or another). My teachers have claimed I've made a great deal of progress, which I am glad about. However, it's not the type of progress I am seen in my own body which greatly irritates me so.

I've also been told to stop being so negative for she claimed I have a pessimistic streak about me which could be potentially damaging in the further when I enter the 'professional world'. I find it ironic though this comes from a woman whom demands perfection; she claims we need to invest greater thought into what we do. In addition, it's same woman who claims we need to feel our body, outside of thought. A great dichotomy in my opinion. Whatever... I've taken the note up and discarded some of her discrepencies, I've come to understand she would say basically anything to try and prove a point... I like the way I think and approach my dancing - without it, I don't think I would have progressed to where I am today. It's not the same approach a typical artist such as herself might use but I still like it.

What else is new...

OH, I've become extremely pasty due to the lack of sun with ballet and all. And I'm actually really looking forward to this summer. I want to get an all over tan but have yet to figure out a discrete way of doing so. I've started to tan quite nice and lightly on the arms and shoulder due all the times I'm in a tank-top but I don't want a farmer tan.

Right, I've also been seeing a certain landscaper again. Only twice though and of course, no progress other than mere confusion on my part. They want to make the trip and drive up to Mildura or something and then onto Sydney to visit some friends... They made the offer while we were out drinking "You can come if you want". I kind of want to go with them. We'll see...

What else...

The man I call my father has also been going at me again for no reason. Since I finish ballet - which was... let's see last Saturday, he's been on another banter on how I'm aimless and without purpose in my life. Consistently and quite condescending asking me what it is I'm going to with it and whether or not I'm ever going to get gainful employment (somehow despite my hours). He did this right after I finish my uni exam... He's just been a massive pr!@k lately to say the least. My sister agrees. He goes through his cycles... such an angry person; suck the fun out of everything.

Battered & confused

2009-11-23T20:01:00.003+11:00

A fortnight ago I thought it funny that the week had pasted so quickly without me realising it and here I am now, finding time crawling to a halt as I count down the days till Dec 13th.

I've finally entered official rehearsal mode at ballet and being given the 'privilege' of a principal role the ballet director has really been drilling into me, as well as everyone else.

For those of you in know as to what the ballet world entails. The constant screaming and yelling during these intense rehearsal periods would come as no surpise. Even when the speeches themselves become no longer inspiration and turn into something rather synical, arrogant and demoralizing. Comments ranging from pure insults of no constructive value, to those referring the apparent fat-ness of everyone in the room weighing more than 46kg. Questions which derrogatory insinuate we're drugs, with others which simply leave us hyperventilating and drives to us to have a panic attack or cry either during/before/after rehearsals seem to all have its place.

What's odd for me, is that everyone else seems to bounce right back from all of this. Of course, they sulk momentarily on it when its happening, they all seem to come out the other end rather unscathed. This is mostly thanks to the emotional resilience they've all seem to have accumulated from their years of training. I on the other hand seem to experience bouts of insomnia and panic attacks here and there right throughout the day.

I don't have that the same emotional strength that these dancers seem to demonstrate.

And I wonder if I'm cut out for this world considering I've entered it so late.

I have other options, and that actually makes the whole experience so different in itself. If you were treated in such a way in the outside world, you would no doubt change jobs, if not demand compensation. I have uni and I have my degree, a lot of them don't have that - meaning leaving ballet would leave them completely empty handed with nothing to show for it in the 'real' world. That in a way makes it hard for them to quit doesn't it?

For me personally as well, Ballet has always been a positive experience that was purely my own. I did it to relax and feel better as an individual - it was my mine. It was the things that made me happy - yet now, 2 years down the track it seems to be the cause of a lot of my stress and anxiety and I'm not sure if I want that...

I'm not longer sure if I want this as a dream if the ballet world is going to cause me nothing but where I was before I left high school. Miserable and depressed [oh and poor as well].

But I've been told the 'real' ballet world itself is different. Having only been doing this for so long... I don't know what to believe anymore and its left me in limbo.

Acceptable mediocrity

2009-11-08T20:40:00.002+11:00

Since last week, everything has been just plain dandy. Nothing has really happened...

I've been following my normal routine, omitting instances to the gym here and there but otherwise just going about my normal week.

I was kind of actually kind of surprise how quickly the week has passed. But then again, we had a long weekend due to Melbourne Cup; but even so...

So I wonder, what do I make or should I make of this observed time flux when everything is just mediocre?

When your having fun - time should pass quickly. You feel like you'd done so much in such a short period. When things are bad, time seems to stall and every other second long and painful.

But I've done nothing... so why did the week seem to just go? Was because it was SO average, without anything momentous to signpost distinctive periods everything just bends into itself?

Emotional limit

2009-10-31T23:51:00.002+11:00

I'm done.

And with that in mind I am going to mentally say f@cK you and move on... I'm not going to delete you from my phone book or write you out of my life as though you never existed...

I'm simply just not going invest my feelings or my energy...

I believed I tried.

I'm going back onto the track I was travelling down before you came along. Gym and all.

Bad madness

2009-10-29T18:25:00.001+11:00

Why are we addicted to the things that are bad for us? Really? Why is it we enjoy things that we knowing accept are just that - BAD?

Is this some kind of reverse psychology our own mind plays on us?

I'm still waiting...

Why?

I feel like I'm simply floating and there's nothing to ground me.

Skating on thin ice

2009-10-22T19:43:00.005+11:00

I'm running circles around myself... and I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt - again.

Are you doing this out of fear?
What do you mean?
Well think about...

I find myself skating on emotionally thin ice; and I know it. But maybe it is fear, I can't help but try. I don't want to sit on the sidelines anymore...

Our problem

2009-10-19T22:00:00.003+11:00

Everyone has problems. That's the bottom line and I think every now then, we definitely need to remind ourselves of this.

I can get pretty caught up in my own world sometimes, and I think it is definitely something I should do more often.

Not only does it make my issues look like another miniture speck of sand on the beach, but the whole process of talking it out with another individual whom genuinely wants to hear about it and shed some light on the matter is a truly amazing experience! I mean, they are willing to take some time out of their lives to help you with something that has no relation to them - even though they may have issues of a similiar nature.

Even when your stress eating it doesn't seem so bad...

It like sitting there starring out to sea. It's not to say we're insignificant, merely that in the greater context of things... relax... breathe...

I finish ballet class early today and that's exactly what I did with an old friend whom I had not seen in a long time. It these reasons why I always emphasize how much I truly value my friends.

Whether I believe what I am saying if course another matter... but at least I know it is true.

And that makes three...

2009-10-18T13:53:00.006+11:00

You would think a person's intentions becomes clear after some time. You figure in some context or another, you would come to grasp some sort of normality and understand; relate.

With nearly everyone describing themselves as genuine and down-to-earth, does this even leave us with a basis for comparison anymore. What does it actually say about a person's character?

I SO sick of hearing those characteristics! Frankly, in my opinion, you can be genuine and down-to-earth and still be a wanker all at the same time. They're just too broad of a characteristic to be useful.

For those of you who have seen it. The so called comedy that was based on the so claimed best seller He's just not that into you was a horrid.

I recall watching the whole thing with my both my hand covering my mouth, almost in shock. I also recall it released on Feb 14th - Valentine's Day and frankly, despite the record number of ticket sales, it was an awful choice for numerous couples to go see.

Why do I bring it up? Because the movie has so many basis in reality and that's what I found disturbing...

I had long promised myself, I would stop seeking and literally do nothing, initiate nothing. Yet, despite doing so for so long, I found it non-effective (Not, not-effective); my point being it did nothing. I was OK (what the fuck does that word even mean!), I could even happily hang in the presence of other couples - no problems.

But just of late something just didn't sit right...

I just want to be clear on what's going on!

Great expectations

2009-10-17T18:31:00.006+11:00

You know what? Things have actually smoothed out somewhat...

In many respect I am relieved, I am thankful. But now what?

Maybe its the way I live my life, but I've been told I try and plan too much, too often (to a neurotic extent). However, what I don't understand, is why there isn't more people doing the very same. If we don't plan, we're uncertain of the future - without that, we're living off impulses. Surely, the action under these senarioes are less tactful than those that are in some ways pre-empt.

Justifying my own actions, I don't try and plan every detail of my life. I simply ask a lot of questions to get as many perspectives on the matter as possible; what's wrong with that? Surely nothing - right?

But now, I'm stuck in this weird time warp in which I am not entirely sure how I should act or behave.

And frankly, I don't want to screw it up... I want to know... something, anything!

Emotional catatonia & façade

2009-10-14T21:20:00.003+11:00

When it comes to certain aspects of my life, I know for one, I feel with the entirity of my heart. Its a part of who I am... It's not healthy.

Since yesterday; in the presence of others, I've already keeled over, my breathes are no longer shallow and my heartbeats are once again regualr.

It's emotional catatonia.

I feel hollow and empty, but I can function. Like so many other days, weeks and months, I've no doubt this too shall pass. And the idea of emotional façades is not a foreign concept to myself nor anyone - so I assume anyway. We fake a smile and we go through the motions. We hurt, and instinctively people take action, they try and assist in their own special way.

Does it ever truly reach us? Do we ever truly reach them? Maybe, maybe not...

At the end of the day people expect you to move on within a given timeframe. They have their own problems to deal with, and after a brief moment we must join them...

Endless emotional backlog

2009-10-13T20:40:00.006+11:00

The stupid things I do just doesn't come to an end. It simply generates emotional backlog and all this sh!t just accumulates...

I f@cked up

The realisation and even more so the familiarity of All American Rejects - I Wanna made my heart cringe before it skipped several beats whilst I was on the treadmill.

Hitting the stop button was all that I could do...

There's nothing for me to do now but wait. I'm keeling over...

Moving pictures

2009-10-12T20:49:00.004+11:00

It's funny how the cosmic universe plays tricks on the mind when one ponders any issue too much.

You think about something, and a certain someone and suddenly you find yourself at the gym and on the treadmill.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

Yet, the irony lies in the fact throughout the entire 50mins I was on it, the only music videos they played were in regards to just that - relationships. Those that failed, the idealistic, the new and the broken...

50 minutes

It's funny how everything around you can tie you back to that person, that issue. It nudges at the back of your mind; every waking second. Other things cease to exist in its importance. I have work which is very much overdue but it seems hardly important.

Food is always good comfort though... yet, others love food, and here we are again, on the merry-go-round of thoughts.

Delicate ecosystems

2009-10-11T21:37:00.007+11:00

It's kind of ironic. Somewhere down the line, you'd think the key lies in the simplicity of things. It's what make some things so perfect right?

Are things ever simplisitc?

I went up the King's Lake today where the Victoria bushfires were back in Feb/Mar and there has been so much change. Many properties have been built, and the regrowth is well underway...

Before that though there was lunch, after that was fish and chips and a movie... after that. I don't know... perhaps something anticlimatic, perhaps something absolutely normal, perhaps a brushoff.

Friday night wasn't at all expected... A high and a low. Saturday wasn't all that expected either... a high and a low and a high and a low...

Anticipation. Tuesday.

Outter Bounds

2009-10-04T13:56:00.002+11:00

For some reason or another since I've returned from my trip overseas, I've been quite up and down. From the outset, I think, or at least I hope I appear to be alright but on the inside, I feel quite divided.

Over everything.

I just don't know how I feel about anything anymore... I need time. I always need time, but it is simply something no of us have more of.

Words that come to mind are in many instances verging on borderline personality disorder.

Positive complexions

2009-09-13T18:40:00.003+10:00

As complex and intricate as they are, I truly value my friendships.

Sure! I don't always have the perfect formula in terms of behaving in the right manner or expending/investing the my efforts appropriately... but surely, I would like to think, I am slowly getting there. Human interaction is hard, and I guess this is merely another factor I need to consider.

My friends are my family. As cliche as that is, it's true.

Ideally, they should last a lifetime, but being realistic, it seem improbable... only time will tell.

However, in the meantime, I am thankful.

Achieving Perfection

2009-09-11T18:53:00.005+10:00

This inspires me in so many different ways. However, when you consider the number of dancers in the world that make it, it's deeply distrubing. Often they possess nothing to fall back on in terms of educational background or work experience in the real world.

Then I consider myself, one who has worked (a little) and studied (a little) to obtain my high school dipolma... To chase after this, I no longer work, and though I study, I don't study hard enough - will my bachelors degree then mean anything if I don't make it as a dancer? Would I have merely done two things half-heartedly and thus succeeding in neither?

Scary prospect.

Then so it seems the only solution is a simply one! To excel in both... now, it is simply a question as to whether I am strong enough to do so...

Eros (ἔρως érōs)

2009-09-10T19:41:00.007+10:00

by Federico Erra (Flickr)

Comteplative procrastination session

2009-09-10T14:34:00.003+10:00

I am compelled to blog. Not because I have anything "real" to say to the world or that there is anyone "true" to read my words on this miniture speck that is the world wide web.

Yet, here I am.

I think blogging work, as a concept. There are a few people that I know that blogs on a regular basis amidst their everyday lives, with each entry as compelling and insightful as the last. It's quite admirable. I find it tiring to do so, and there is no way in which I am able to gather my thoughts in such a coherent manner, day in and day out. Often, if there is any issue or such food for thought, by the time I settle down to type it, its a though the words have no meaning... significant, yes! Worthwhile blogging for the world... no...

So why do we do it? I do it out of procrastination. Often this conincides with those times in my life in which I am the most busy. I get fluttered and my thoughts wonder. I think too much anyway. I think I like it because it gives me a sense of accomplishment when admist the million micro-thoughts (which may or may not be connection with one another) I have something that is compact and concrete

Extra extra - I'm procrastinating

2009-04-14T20:32:00.004+10:00

As per usual I am procrastinating.

I should know better - esppecially 2 years having come and gone. With 6 weeks left of the remaining semester, I can happily, no strike that, ignorantly say, I know nothing at all.

But heres the current pointless load-down.

I am absolutely obesessed with America's Next Top Model. In this instance, Cycle 12. It just so right! Look it up on youtube. I was never one to watch these shows but I think it was one day around this time of the year, last year, that I stumbled across it. I watched Cycle 6, and suddenly I found myself watching it from start to finish - it took a day!

I'm also developing a serious shopping addiction! I find myself consistently wanting more clothes and wanting more of this and that. I mean, of course, I can buy within reason - afterall, I don't actually own that many pieces of clothing. Not as some might think I do. However, that's not the point, I'm starting to want pieces in excessive amount. Like, I would look at my V-Neck T-Shirts and just think, I do not have enough V Necks, I need MORE. I have 7 pairs of jeans from Black to White [granted 1 of them I don't really like] and I don't think I have enough!

I've also come to terms with the fact, I have an unhealthy desire for Horror/ Thriller movies. I don't get scarred by them much these days and if I could, I would sit them and watch a whole bunch of them in series! On my list, I have the Cube Trilogy which includes; Cube (1997), Cube 2: Hypercube (2002) & Cube Zero (2004), & Trick r' Treat (2007). I'm actually watching Hypercube on youtube now :$

ALSO on youtube - I came across this guy! http://www.youtube.com/user/GregoryGORGEOUS How F***ing PRETTY is he??!?! Yeah he's a bit out there but what the heck - he is so comfortable in his own skin - which by the way is flawless despite the makeup. He says he is self taught in that department. Damn his skin! I don't know - for some reason youtube thought he should pop up in my "recommendations" o.O

Anyway.

In the real world, I have 4 assignments due as soon as we get back! In the meantime, Hypercube!

Sympathy for the pushover

2009-02-07T21:49:00.002+11:00

I was sitting on the train the other day and read one of those 'Moving Melbourne through Art" quotes and one that really caught my attention was the one relating to leave rushing through red lights. It was simple, short and phrased ever so perfectly. It echoed what I've been seeing right across Melbourne this week after last week's heatwave/ summer.

It reminds me the world turns, dumb I know but sometimes you go about doing the tasks of everyday life - these seasonal changes really put things in perspective in terms of how time has travelled. Afterall, it didn't seem that long ago that we were celebrating New Years and here we are in Feburary already.

How have I progress in the last couple of months?

Frankly, I've been better - sure things are going smoothly, life poses itself with microdramas every now and then. I know I've grown as a person; pleasing more people in a way so that I fit a social mould.

I haven't been happy. I've gotten more quite, aloof - even if its for breif periods of time. The last time, I was truly like this, saw these aspects of me blown up on a grand scale. It wasn't good...

So what's the lastest microdrama most people would comment on/ tell me to just 'get over it' before then take a minute to reflect and think?

I'm a pushover. I know that, you might not think that but I know it. I will more or less do anything for a 'friend' [note the quotation marks] if they call upon me to do something. For now these things have been minor - some might even call it extremely minor but they are nevertheless a big inconvinence and things that are in more cases then most, if not always, taken for granted. I can't even be bothered naming particular items; surely you can think of one.

What happens though when I try - like what I see from other people, take a stand? Say - not this time? Do what's incredibly fitting and comforting for my sake? Am I ACTUALLY allowed to not be that person that IS there? I speak up, and it's like suddenly I;m out of character, my behaviour is not only out of line but unacceptable... am I allowed to get angry, get annoyed.

I don't know...

What I do know is that, regardless of whether or not I have that right, at the end of the day its my fault. Others get angry at me, because I'm angry/ annoyed/ plain sick and tired of being THAT person - so the only conclusion is that I should just shutup - stay in character; quite and obidient; inconvinience myself so others may have a safer and more pleasant trip.

I feel like the doormat...

Hollowman

2009-01-25T23:01:00.003+11:00

I think of myself as a big softy at the core.

There are things that I sometimes say or do, that may make me appear in a certain way: at the end of the day, despite some thinking that I wear my feelings on my sleeves, I don't.

The fluidity from thought to action for me may not be as complex as those that surround me; but I think and feel others things too. You may call it oversensitivity, neuroticim, anxiety etc. but I feel that they are warranted, I wouldn't feel the way I do otherwise.

One of biggest things, I find irritating?/annoying? [don't know the right word here] is people assuming they know me. I'm not talking about people trying to help or giving advice - but when people feel they actually KNOW you. Not, that they can related but actually "know". It's a really fine line in my opinion.

So why is any of this important?

I just watch Jelena Dokic fight her way through to the quarter finals. 3 sets; 7/5, 5/7, 8/6 - with a twisted ankle towards the end too. It's moving and the way she goes about what she does is quite courageous. The reporter mention in this tournament, she shot up from 600 something to within the top 100.

It makes me think, I feel so much on the inside - these are thought processes which I don't always show, but I definitely feel [hence, the part on people thinking I wear my feelings, I may have just scratch the surface to vent - it's an iceberg], but for the most part - my question is, whether they or not they are material - not whether or not its warranted. I feel they are all warranted but some may not be material.

I mean, I feel about how others feel - towards me. Should I care less? The most logical response would be yes, right? I have learnt or would like to think, I've learnt to deal with these type of things better - but I'm not there yet. Tiny things can send me spiralling - dreams and nightmares replay/relive those moment, potential moments/responses, not existent futures - there is a lot of energy being directed towards all this, at the very subconscious level that I have lost sleep. I dream almost every night. Everyone dream, all the time, everytime they sleep - but I always remember my dreams very clearly - to the very fine details.

I've experience times, in which I can be fully awake, or have gone through a whole day, and then continue to sleep - picking up dreams from exactly where I've left off, adjusting them as appropriate with new thoughts and newfound information - I can essentially direct my dreams if you will. People may claim that's the whole point of dreams, but I'm talking about it as though, I'm there - conscious within my dream. They are often very mundane, people talking. Me - going about daily life but I get a chance to respond differently - test, experiment. It's kind of disturbing, because I'm not really sleeping, I'm just using it as an aid to think - there isn't enough time in a day - I must be a slow thinker. Hence, I need a lot of sleep. There are nights I don't dream, I sleep well during those nights.

I'm ambitious and I want to do things with my life - not for the praise, prestige or money, but for me. Cliche - maybe but it's important to me.

Can I reach all my hopes and dreams through the way I live, feel & view my life now?

In the jungle...

2009-01-16T23:28:00.002+11:00

... the mighty jungle, the lion sleep tonight!

Today's been an awfully confusing day. I guess it has been like any other in one day. There are certain things we do in which we just go through the motions; whether that be on a high or low note.

Tuesday Afternoon: Desperation - trying to complete a mini mailout of 46. Month long project from inception to finish. Needed it to be at the post office by 5pm.

Night: Delight - Average dinner but awesome drinks with a friend from high school on Chapel; explaining the difference betwee types of Gin and Martini variation, dry, shaken, stirred.

Wednesday afternoon: Frustration & Embarassment - medium level productivity at work, trying to prove that I am NOT incompetent at what I do.

Late Afternoon: Disenchanted - feeling morbidly obessed at my reflection in the ballet mirror. Not only had any technique I had been sapped by the 3 week break, but also the humidity. Note to self, once again, shape up.

Night: Joyful & Lively - Friend's going away drinks at MOO. Suprisingly fun. Though I wasn't expecting anything horrid, the night turned into something so much more than expected.

Today Morning 8am: Neutral, tired - but my mind jumps to getting ready. Need to be in the office early; IT support work.

8:45am: Annoyance - in the car and 'trying' to listen to my iPod, my father's voice in the background. Is he even taking breathes between sentences anymore?

9:30am: Royally PISSED OFF - The same feeling I get everytime, I leave that car regardless of duration. The same feeling I get when I am in the same room with those people pass a distinctive timeframe.

9:40am: Calm - The wind runs the red light. I waited as the Red Man flashed. No rush, deep breathes.

9:45am: Cheerful - The morning buzz at work is still live and kicking. Casual friday, I keep my iPod in my ears with the volumne turned down. People kid as they continue starring at their screens. Funny mass email from the OM [Executive Office Manager/ the "Office Mommy"] I move to my music as I booted up 3 computers simultaneously. I was headed for the kitchen, cereal and milk.

11am: Boredom and Frustration - the computer fails to comply to command prompts from DOS, ignoring standard procedures for setting up a user on a domain. Email configuration for new girl; rejected by outlook - over and over and over...

11:30am: Running Low - a girl in the office got bad news and left for the day. Everyone had crashed emotionally. It was obvious the positive energy this morning was merely an act for all.

1pm: Lacklustre & Hopelessness - the more I hear the less I wanted to know "If they saw a 'B' - they wouldn't even consider them. / But... / ...Yeah, but at the end of the day, grades are all they truly care about, they judge you purely at a monetary level"

2pm: Moss - how low can you go? The energy was truly gone. I stared at my spreadsheet. Question mismatch - 4 words.

3pm: Flatlining - I had finished a certain stage for the project. I wonder over to my superior for direction. "Do you want a break? / Ugggghhhhhhhhh...... / Yeah"

3:30pm: Proud - HA - Techno Boy; take that outlook, Testing 1, 2, Three / Reply Prompt test - Test, RAJW this is SimBA Essex on RARA 1126, testing, 1, 2, three.

3:45pm: Shutdown computer 2 and 3. Clearing desk and setting desk materials. We're ready for Bec2, Monday morning. Bec1 away all week.

4pm: Lighthearted

5:30pm: Shocked & fearful - Job insecurities and confusion.

7:15pm: Surprise - Whoa, nice! Who's is that? They looks familiar... time passes... why is the other shop assistant here? I want to talk to the first one; alone. Assistant number 2: "You drink beer? / yea..." Moments later: beer in hand!

8:30pm: Giggly - dinner with friends over Pho. Ahh, the simplisity

10:30pm: Cut - Lecture number 4.

Later; Stuff happens.

The twilight zone

2009-01-11T20:44:00.003+11:00

I'm not actually refering to the book by the way. Heh.

The last couple of days have been emotionally exhaustive - in a good way. Had another argument with a friend over what is essentially the same issue that I've been trying to deal with lately. Did other things too like, visit Doncaster Shoppintown for the first time since its renovation, played the PS2 Singstar games, Low level of sleep hehehe, played DDR, eaten heaps of fruit which is something havent done in a while etc. etc.

Um, so where am I now? Nowhere ground breaking really but I think, it's been a bit overwhelming. I'm letting it happen [this be overwhelming] because I think it help to work through it, literally let it out and let it go... My eyes hurt...

But.. it's odd for me to suddenly be more aware of my surrounding and as if beginning to see things from other people's perspective. It's good because I don't really want to be the jerk-type that people don't like. It's not even so much I care about what people think about me - don't get me wrong, I do. It's about being a better person and careful not to offend through a process of better understanding the people that surround me.

Beforehand, there would be incidences in which things would happen the way they did but I wouldn't know why. It's not as though every question I had before are now answered or anything but I can better relate.

It's all about perspective now isnt it - walking a mile in another's shoe.

Let's hope I'm making progress. It's also made me really thankful of the people that though previously didn't get me, still stuck through with it and gave me a chance.

Burning the midnight oil

2009-01-07T08:58:00.003+11:00

I've been up all night - working on something for a uni association. I'm barely literate and barely capable of typing (I can but that backspace sound, I do a lot right now). I also have to mouth every word I say as I go.

I have work soon but not before doing some final touch up after it has been proofread. The retarded thing goes away once I get it done and dusted, the adrenaline usually keeps me going till tonight once again.

Despite all this, my mind has still be twirling away in the background as I worked. I've been a bad person. BBBBBBBAAAAHD -sheep noise- I don't know thought that way funny, it was funny in my mind anyway.

I've been thinking this because this reminds me of the time back in high school. When I was all quiet and got ignored, but heck, I was me. Not someone who always voices his thoughts but I was me. Now, I am still me and there ARE a lot of things I like about me NOW. But, I have also lost a bit of me that I liked.

This booklet that I'm making makes me proud again. When I use to stay up all night, sure I was still doing things at the last min like I still do now, but the difference being I liked the end result back then. That hasn't happened in a long time.

Mentally I'm making amend for being a retard, it turns out my self esteem wasn't that high after all. The weird thing is that, most people will probably see now difference and only overtime think of me in a somewhat positive light. However, right now, for me, it odd. This feeling that I have to say "sorry" for whatever it is I have done or said wrong (This links back to that whole thing about me not being entirely aware till at some point it actually turns around to bite me in the ass)

A side note, that remind me of that time my part- EX-partner, asked me if I wanted to move in. I say no. At the time it seemed logical. Funny where we might be if I had agreed. I did mention I screw up - A LOT?!

Back to my point, so yeah trying to do what I can. Firstly, taking more action myself to meet up with people. I'll have to see how it goes from there. Being the person I am, I know I'll want to apologise - though the person I'm apologising will prob have either forgotten or stop caring, by doing so, I would only be digging up bad memories - why bother right?

I also want go shopping for a book so I can read or maybe borrow one. Something, not so heavily in terms of weight though - I want to carry it around...

Did I just screw up?

2009-01-04T23:00:00.002+11:00

You know those talks you have with your parent?

Usually they begin innocently enough, your talking about some random crap that in all honesty has no real relevance to everyday life and then BHAM! It's suddenly a lecture on social etiquette

... I don't think I have ever actual heard them, in the sense of actually listening.

The last one was quite interesting. I don't actually know how it started, but there I was sitting on a park bench with my mom talking about the maturity of boys versus girls. Something happened and she asked about the age of some of my friends [most of whom are...]. She mentioned that girl biologically mature at a earlier age - there's no surprise here. She also mentioned they also fast-track the thinking process mentally and there in lies the rise of the modern day woman.

Look, frankly girl bitch and they manipulate and they scheme. They care but it is only through all of the above. They've learnt to deal with this. In modern society, they've not only fought for the equal rights they deserve but have also hold onto the benefits of the woman from that all-male patriarchal society - "Hey! Come here." A duality - which isn't entirely fair either - but hey, us boys can't really say anything can we now? That would be sexist.

For boys, the education process begin at a later stage - somewhere between getting a girlfriend and the workforce. They follow orders; blindly, until hopefully one day, the smart one will understand how and why they are given and in the very manner they are given - and give these orders themselves.

Mom says:

Women these days only have trouble with [that last part] in the corporate world, but it doesn't stop them from reaching the top if they desire it. It's more like a 'Gladwrap Ceiling' Effect...
Men, on the other hand have trouble reaching that point altogether - even with all the help in the world some won't reach that point. There's much to be learnt about bureaucracy and civil niceties...

And she pretty much left it there.

I swear I fall into the later category. Am I being negative again? Not necessarily - I don't know, it's all a blur right now.

All I know is I'm behind the bell curve when all proper consideration is placed into who I hang with and the people I work with. Most of whom are older, much mature girls/women.

Those two years I call 'leap years' have left their mark on my EI.

Now this screw-up effect I seem to possess is something quite unique I SWEAR.
It's like the very moment I think of something, it's instinctive; half the time I do exactly the opposite to my detriment too.

Maybe I'm self-destructive! - Ethan Green (fictional)

It's like I can get into the city via 3 different ways, I can:
Tram, Train [at Riversdale, change at Camberwell]
Tram, Walk, Train [at Camberwell]
Tram
You would think after some time, I would get use to a system but no. Everytime I try to rush, I end up taking the slowest route into the city. I haven't given trying altogether though, everytime, I try to make up my mind I hope I'm making the right choice; it never is though - the train will be delayed or whatever. It's not even matter of double guessing, it's beyond that and I still get it wrong.

How I should act, whether I should talk to a person, how to say something to someone. It never goes well. I literally have to think back about these events and go "Did I just screw up?" Most of the time, I'm not even kidding myself. It's an honest to god question I ask myself - because frankly I JUST DON'T KNOW?!

Your mouth is open and words are coming out; this is never good - Buffy Summers (fictional)

I know my Achilles Heel is that connection between my brain and my mouth; sometimes even just my brain. The point is I don't get social niceties; I clearly don't get social conventions! There I said it...

I guess after all this time, I would have thought someone got it enough to help. I can't imagine what he/she could even do -IF ANYTHING at all.

Sometimes the only thing I thought made sense was this thing. It's stupid but I did an official psychometric test when I was younger; money was paid and hours upon hours was spent and everything! I actually did a handful of them. This is the Myer-Briggs Personality Profile.

This is getting long. I know. I can't even imagine who would read this - should probably lock this up for private personal viewing only... Maybe I should start jotting down my entries into a proper diary only. I do have a few; one is even handmade from Florence, Italy. Hate my handwriting though, would ruin a perfectly good book - even if it's blank.

I am rambling I know. Anyway.

I'm an

INTJ

Online quizzes irrespective of their reliability have all pointed to this without failure. Do these 4 letters even mean anything or tell you anything about me? Probably not.

Why am I listing this then? No reason. Well, maybe the same reason kids continue to stare into the sky.

Anyway, google it, if you want.
Here are some that popped up when I tried:
Wikipedia Reference
Here - It even has links at the bottom
Or Here
Here
Here
AND Here.

Why am I still here you ask? Wasting time, doodling on my notepad. Delaying sleep so not only do I roll over into sleep easily but hopefully also dream about something.

I find dreams interesting.

I also have work tomorrow. 9am. FUN! I actually have no idea how they perceive me! I've always thought that it was weird. I can't get a reading from my friends, let alone colleagues and acquaintances whom hold a corporate facade up for the world to see.

You know its been 2 hours since I started writing this. Not all of it at once of course - how pathetic is that if I were. Ha! I swear I have too much on my mind though. A person once told me to write down everything I genuinely thought about for about a month. I bought a notebook and everything. Carried it around with me everywhere and put it beside my bed. It didn't work. This was actually in year 12. It didn't work cause I spent most of my awake period writing in it furiously as thoughts just poured into my head. Didn't even pay 'fake' attention in class - funny how I got away with it though for 4 days. That's how long I kept it up for. My 96 book ran out of space and I cbfed anymore.

On that previous note, my fake attention in class was basically having my head resting on my arms as my eyes glazed over. Kind of like any other 15/16 year old but I was sitting at the front, not the back with the rest of them. Though my apathy and restlessness was completely different. Whereas, I assume anyway, most people wanted to head out for various reasons of purpose I had no purpose, I thought about: clouds literally - saw this amazing picture of this cloud once when I was 4, remembered it since - I even found it in another book; lunch, dinner, I ate a lot; my dreams - which I had plenty of at the time and sleep of course. I was restless but I was in no rush.

I think that's also why I wanted to do psychology so badly, so I would come to understand people and myself better while its credible at the same time. Beats spending the same amount of money to see a psychologist and only to come out and say "I went to a shrink and he told me so and so". BA [Psych] looks better doesn't it?

Okay 12:02, I been typing since 9:45. I'm going to go now.

PS for some bizarre reason, if I have manage to sustain someone interest 86 all the grammatical errors. I make heaps of them. I think it has something to do with the way I more than my actual literary ability - not that it is superb or anything either...

Starry starry night

2008-12-25T22:16:00.003+11:00

I love the holidays - Christmas, New Years; heck even Valentines.

I just hate the ones I have.

There is so much anticipation with holidays, it makes everything seem anti-climatic.

Hahaha, I'm putting this lightly. I don't really expect that much. I think years of mediocre days with the unexpected stream of upsets that always seems to spiral out of control have taught me to finally take it all in my stride. I don't think I'm expecting that much - I will continue to look forward to each day in the hope that something uplifting will take place. The flip side; my spirit is broken - I don't really care anymore.

This scenario has now started to play out in many different areas; relationships, work, friends, study.

The crap I've waddled through all these have taught me to sort and ignore. Whilst the kid inside still hopes for the best.

AT the same time, I don't care anymore.

I know people have gone through worst; I'm not self-loathing, or self-obsessing here. Heck, that would implied I cared - which I don't. HA!

It's this weird realisation, an epiphany of truth of life. Potentially something I always knew, potentially something everyone already knows. It's just the things that have irritated me in the past [they still do BTW]; I've learned to short circuit the system. Something happens and it's just of kind of like "huh." and moving right along. A thought here and there and I'm on my way again.

Not my merry way but - on my way. Till that one day something falls into place - which may not mean anything anymore either.

-nod-

Merry Christmas.

Sitting, Wishing, Waiting

2008-12-09T22:47:00.002+11:00

Okay I haven't blog in ages. Nothing has really sparked my mood to do so - at times, there is something but I am usually out or too cut/estatic to actually record it. They never seem as bad/good upon reflection. Probably something to do with my coping mechanism.

I've been working 12-5/5:30 everyday now since uni ended. My immediate supervisor is in Tiwan, so I essentially rock up when he does.

Been going to ballet 4 times a week now. Monday, Wednesday and Thursday nights and Saturday mornings and yet my interior adductor is as tight as ever. Damn them... makes sliding into the side split nearly impossible till the VERY end of class.

Looking for a new Gym. This is bullcrap by the way. Everything is so expensive and I am so poor!

I also need to find a good driving instructor to take me for driving lesson. My goal for the summer. DRIVE. Need to get moving.

I also feel incredibly dead inside somedays. It's not all bad because you know, we have to deal with people, things, deadlines. They make you forget, they make you smile but sometimes, when the world slows - or when the world has gotten so fast, your only moving a snail's speed to get to ponder for a little too long.

I sit, wish and wait.

I've also saw - no scratch that, skipped through Mamma Mia the movie in about half an hour like LAST Saturday but dear god; been walking around with it in my head everyday so far. I don't even dare to sit down and watch the whole thing. I do want to. Gay to love it but hey - go screw yourself for judging.

A midsummer's night

2008-11-29T04:01:00.005+11:00

It's not actually the middle of Summer.

Last night/tonight night has to be hands down one of the worst nights of my life. I sat there starinf into 'emptiness' for the longest time. I was there but I wasn't!

I spent most of it, either trying to get drunk; and please let me iterate how damn hard I was trying, or in the process of finding and redirecting people to others; not that it was appreciated by most or anything.

It was cold on the way home - it rained. Freezing and bone cutting winds.

The only remote good that came out of it was my cab driver.

Let's see 6'3" remote indian descent and someone in great shape. Not your typical driver. Questions were exchanged and Commercial Road became a focal point, as was relationships - his 'girlfriend'. Every question he had seemed to head towards a particular direction.

I didn't mind; it was nice to have things about me for once - or again. Plus a cab ride, oddly enoughly 30 bucks cheaper...

Not that anything happened, of course.

Musilosophy

2008-11-20T23:04:00.001+11:00

Music is a powerful emotive tool. Careful how you use it.

I hate the Veronicas and the Beatles.

I'm in quite a foul mood right now. More reasons than one but all thanks to certain individuals whom will always manage to suck the fun out of everything; or any sense of happiness as soon as they enter a room.

Obtuse

2008-11-12T23:04:00.003+11:00

I honestly don't know anyone more obtuse. He is in my family - God, the horror.

As I look at him, readings and trying to comprehend a simple letter, mispronouncing and interpreting everything - I pray to God I am nothing like him. He was thick, thicker than anything he could imagine.

I'm pretty thick sometimes, it sad. I know it.

But I HATE it when people who are clearly indept think their a genius, or those people that ask for help but simply shune everything you tell them - thinking they know better. They believe themselves to truly pocess some third dimensional power of me - or that they at least should have this power. [Maybe I did learn something from that forsaken subject known as Organisation Behavior]

The irony being this is the same person!

You drive me up the wall!

Care Bear

2008-11-09T23:45:00.001+11:00

I am going to stop caring.

AND stop seeking.

Dysfunction

2008-11-09T20:36:00.005+11:00

There are honestly too many things that are simply dysfunctional.

One of the worse things about being dumped is the fact that you gain weight. It doesn't really matter how much of an impact the relationship has on you - you will get fatter. It's so sad. You might end up healthier and fitter on the otherside of it all but in the mean time, it's another pint of ice-cream; which I don't have in my house right but I seriously want one!

Here's a picture!

Another dysfunctional fact about me right now is my inability to study. I swear my talents of procrastinating have honestly reached an all time high. I have never wasted so much time in my life doing absolutely nothing. Well, nothing constructive anyway. I spent potentially hours upon hours research about cars. HOURS! I know nothing about them, but I keep reading and reading. All of which would be better suited to studying but nay.

I have also exhausted youtube to a certain extent. Sad

Thirdly, dysfunction comes in the form of a family dinner I just had. It wasn't the worse - but it does remind me as to why I hate them so much to begin with. It's always awkward for one. We don't talk for one thing and everything that does come out - is sort of forced and/or empty. My conversation with my sister ain't too bad though which is a relief. I'm actually kind of surprised how non-traumatic tonight's dinner was.

I need to leave the house at some point. It might not happen till my exam on Wednesday though. That would need I have not stepped actual sunlight since Friday night. Joy!

Changing torrents

2008-11-06T23:07:00.005+11:00

These past few days have been weird. I have these absurd mood swings. It's not completely unexpected given the circumstances and characteristic of a few other things...

Anyway, it's just annoying how things link with other things. Vague; yes - but the context is not important right now. I think, I would like to think so anyway, people go through this for whatever reasons in given hectic situations and their thoughts become a mess.

Being at home - alone - this since Friday has probably led to my emotions just running how they please without the need for an exterior shield of some kind. No - really, I've haven't had face to face contact with another human being for more than 2 minutes since Saturday. Normally your forced to mingle and 'smile' in a social context whenever appropriate but I think at home, that kind of all goes to hell for most, if not everyone.

I think I've gone through everything emotionally except for relief and maybe joy, maybe. I mainly go through the e'motions' as dictated by my playlist - which I've been told is kind of depressing/angry with the occasional inspirational/uplifting song. I have laughed, even if briefly - mainly thanks to youtube.

Here "THE ULTIMATE DRUNK PEOPLE COMPILATION VIDEO EVER!!!"

and Here "Japanese Classroom Comedy"

Through procrastinating I have also come across other videos like

This was produced sometime in 2007. Kind of ironic now considering the pass of same sex marriage and now the likely YES on Proposition 8 to revoke that same right and retroactively annul 18,000 marriages in the state of California.

Anyway, here is the vid: "Human Right 004"

ETA: According to California State results ,currently it seems like a 52.5% in favour of Prop 8 versus 47.5% who voted No; separated by approximately half a million votes.

I've read somehow that may not be final due to absent ism and provisional ballots - or something, I don't get it considering it's a 100% count. Anyway, this is just sad for this day and age. It's one thing not to pass it, but to revoke something like this which had already been granted. Poor married people...

Yes, I'm also glad Obama won.

Procrastinating

2008-11-04T16:56:00.004+11:00

This has been a major problem for me for a while now and I do mean a "while". I remember back in the days when homework just started to pile up - round about year 10 for me, that it became more than evident. I had always been a person that leave homework to the last minute - oddly its not a trait across everything I do - which is good.

PS I still feel like crap, like there is no end in sight - despite knowing perfectly well that this is not true.

I remember leave things to the night/s before for major 'projects' in year 7/8. Hey, I usually pulled it off by about 11pm and with an A too. Not bad, but you see, that's where it started, my realisation that I was capable of doing these things at the last minute.

Now, that led to the delay of my work further and further into the night and finishing earlier and earlier in the mornings [on the day it is due]. Though that being said, I can no longer maintain a proper standard.

So, these days it usually takes hours upon hours to get anything done - in the area of homework and many days nothing really happens.

I'm digging my own grave here! Exams are looming.

It's a serious problem! Any takers?

Dumped; more officially - in advance

2008-11-01T18:05:00.003+11:00

The title says it all does it not. Though, I for one can't even comment on how incredibly fucked of a twist this has been.

What makes it so hard is the fact, I didn't think I would care.

I do.

I am so numb for words. People say all you can do in these situations is laugh.
I can barely do that.

and that was through this... "The most unfabulous social life of Ethan Green"

It was suppose to be funny. Moving, touching; yes. Ironic; no.

Lowest common denominator

2008-10-31T01:01:00.001+11:00

All things inclusive, when it get to this level what the fuck you suppose to do?!

Fucking demoralized

2008-10-30T21:46:00.006+11:00

1. Guys DO indeed possess the capacity to rationalize AND feel emotions.

2. Not ALL gays are sex obsessed maniacs/sluts.

This wouldn't have been the first time it's happened but today has been a new low. After a day, I was tired, my head ached, nose blocked, I was very much sick. I wanted to go Home. My train ran express - but there wasn't a connecting train to my station for quite sometime. Time to tram. I make a short detour along the way into a Borders. I pick up a magazine and begin flipping through the pages, just looking - not after anything in particular.

Now I'm sitting there minding my own business with my ipod clearly in both ears I might add AND here he comes and sits next to me. Not close but his within my periferral vision - which says a bit when your eyes are face down in a book. He does something for sometime, I didn't notice at the time but this guy was some old dude - mid 40s/50 even, white hair, half bold, overweight, thick glasses - dresses like a slob - essentially he IS a slob.

He clears his throat and says 'hi', I give him a half smile; being polite. I go back to reading. AND his staring at me! Just staring...

I knew what he wanted... sadly

I look at him again - again half smiling, I quite evidently "adjust" my earbuds and go back to reading. Was so NOT interest and just wanted to be fucking left alone!

He looks away and then back again. Ughh fuck! I try and ignore him and temporarily he leaves. Thank God I thought to myself and for a minute or two I was left alone in peace to just read.

BUT HE FUCKING CAME BACK! He rumages through his bag and then he turns slightly to me in an attempt to talk to me. I ignore him! I was SO FUCKING creeped out at this stage! I was uncomfortable and had kind of turn my back to him and he is still fucking starring, like WTF! My skin had literally began to crawl and I felt sick!

I felt demoralised and cheap, as if I was for rent!

The sleezebag was old and fucking ugly as all hell. Even, if he was YOUNG AND HOT [in which, I would have been momentarily flattered AND THEN FUCKING CREEPED OUT], I still would have ignored him! I was NOT fishing and I was NOT crusing! I JUST FELT SICK! I got up and walked away, almost left with the damnmagazine in my hand (I just left it at the beeper door thingy; just dropped it on the floor.)

I wasn't even on the best terms with my partner but I still called him, EVEN if he was at work. I was so disgusted! I felt dirty! It was beyond comprehension! FUCK!

I mean, WTF. What makes anyone think this that kind of behaviour is okay! The fuckwit essentially reduced me down to a rent boy!

A curious glance or two is fine, it's human nature. How else would you know if the person is interested. But when they clearly aren't then it's JUST FUCKED. BACK OFF!

Rocking the cradle

2008-10-28T21:26:00.005+11:00

Okay, I am going to blog about 2 things. One about age gaps in relationships and the other; just about how much High School Musical pisses me off [I warn you now, I am going to rage - and quite unnecessarily].

I'm actually going to rant about HSM first. For fuck sakes, I have no idea but this whole enterprise just drives me up the wall. What the hell is wrong with Gen Z?! I have nothing against this new generation being born into the age of technology, it's a great joy! A world in which computers are fast and without kinks, portable music is in the Gigabytes and HD DVDs clearer than what our eyes are capable of distinguishing except in unnaturally clinical trials.

BUT WTF is with content. What the fuck is with the likes of High School Musical, Hannah Montanna [Strike that, I mean, Miley Cyrus], the Jonas Brothers and like the Cheetah Girls or whatever they're called.

These child actors are completely robbed of a natural childhood and pass on this shit resemblence of a life to those watching it. Zac Efron for example is frankly just fucked. This metrosexual has officially cross the threshold of what is considered acceptable. Clothes; they're good, he has the money and the a stylist to dress him, the Hair; tad overwork but otherwise you can't blame a guy for trying to look good. Here, the punch though, WTF is with the overly manscaped face and overapplication of concealer, foundation AND bronzer! He puts a drag queens to shame with the amount he has on - IS that even what he looks like?! Does he permanently just wear a thick 3 layer mask? The color reminds me of Al Pacino in his desperate attempts to convince the world he is hip and 'with it'.

Vanessa Hudgens can't sing to save her life and I think she is just permanently stuck at people saying "though you are very pretty!" Ashley Tisdale has a pathetic attempt to change the one thing that, despite looking horrid - made her unique, her nose; claiming the fix was to correct "septum deviation" which leads to breathing complication - whatever bitch. Monique Coleman who play Gabriella's best friend has literally 10 lines in HSM3, that's just sad!

Miley Cyrus, god what a mess for a 15 year old. Though, it would be nice if people just backed off her - yeah she has pictures of her kissing a friend, get over it. She has a picture of her semi-showing her bra; get over it. The Jonas Brother has vowed not to get laid till marriage. Evangelicals opposed to to homosexuality and abortion, a decision not based on free will but because GOD said so.

These kids all came from great talent, there is no denying that! I couldn't have done or accomplish what they have done and potentially will do. But I am criticizing what they have become! From, theatre and musical theatre to this ... crap! Disney might seem lame but it was well play, artistically written and diligently drawn and animated masterpieces. Yet, Generation Z drives this wagon of crap and spilling change from the hard worked dollars of Generation X.

HSM is based on Romeo and Juliet. It suppose to be an reinvention to spark kids of today's generation to care; but that is barely there! Barely. Take a look at West Side Story and Romeo + Juliet, they're masterpieces. Both relevant and omniscient reflection of the social context within their time: or The lion King, the portray of Hamlet.

---

This last bit about my experience with "rocking the cradle" [or more precisely being rocked] in it's more natural context as opposed to above is just here for my sake to talk about it before my relationship is over and done with.

Are age gaps that big of a deal in relationships? I know it becomes less weird as we get older to have relationships with people a whole lot younger or older. But what is okay? Mine being approximately 10 years the difference, I've heard anything from pedophilia, sugar/play toy to cradle robber etc play on words. It's as irritating as it is cute.

How do people deal with it? In a midst everything that makes a relationship difficult, you have to add in the different life stage each one is at, [Me = uni, They = Career], tastes and just plain life experience. I've so far come across permutations of 29 + 21, 28 + 22, 26 + 23 [that's not too bad], 31 + 21, 35 + 29.

In Hollywood, you have Hayden Panetierre [19] and Milo Ventimiiglia [31], and of course Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Doouglas, I think there is actual a perfect 25 years between them or something. That's a silver jubilee.

What do you consider okay? What do you think a real relationship can handle?

Superbug

2008-10-27T22:24:00.004+11:00

I feel like I've been hit by a cricket bat and then more some. Ughhh, my heads hurts, my eyes are watery and my nose is stuff beyond stuff. Sore throat too - ughhh.

I know how I got it, but its so not important right now. I can at least calmly state, I was NOT at fault.

Work is almost done, I finish on Wednesday to "focus" - not the parenthesise - on my exam preparation which I am now in full panic mode. This time around 3 of my 4 exams are essay based and require me to write a concise and weel formulated answer within a given time frame. OMG! I haven't done anything like this since year 12, scratch that, year 11. My English sucked in year 12, it was ironically better in year 11.

Why, oh why! I have 3 due in a day. 2 actual exams, 1 in the morning and 1 in the afternoon, and an essay due at 5pm. FUN!

Why couldn't I be one of those kids that was just freakishly good at ballet, or music or design or something that was not examinable by a piece of paper. Like those kids I see everyday on my way to uni coming out from VCA or the Australian Ballet School. At least they love what they are doing. You can be interested in the subject you study but can you claim to love it?

In my opinion, paper based exams are the worst indicator of actual knowledge. It's a poor measure of all the unassessed knowledge and what is tested can be easily fake. Wrote memory - sure people call that learning, but is it really?! I mean, do these people actually remember or gain anything from the subject?

That's a rhetorical question by the way.

Okay, no cough medicine but 2 paracetamols later, I am ready for bed. On a full stomach of lard and havign not been to the gym.

Happy Tree Friends

2008-10-25T10:35:00.000+11:00

A friend the other day mentioned something I kind of already knew. But the whole notion of it is kind of sad.

Most people meet via circumstance and a relationship potentially forms from that. However, a lot of the times, it is circumstantial. Would you actively seek them out if they went away? Changed uni, jobs etc etc. People just drift! Sometimes closer and sometimes further away.

I don't think we can protect ourselves from this. It's kind of disturbing - thinking your best friend or the like may be gone tomorrow.

Another questions also arise. Can you have more than 1 person fulfilling the role of 'best' friend. I honestly don't know but that term, whoever the hell coined it, is so awkward in modern day contexts. It would be nice if it were true but in light of 'above' can we take that for granted? Can we have any faith in that?

PS I'm being pre-dumped.

Chip

2008-10-23T22:21:00.008+11:00

Today was a 'good' day.

I was however, insanely chipper! Not happy, though I am well aware of the 'happy'conatations the word chipper possesses. I say chipper more or less because a lot of things that i would normally feel, seemed absent.

It's like I was either supper upbeat or express no emotions whatsoever. There didn't seem to be room for thought or fluctuations of mood. Just one or the other.

It was probabaly attributed to drinking about 5 cans of V and 3 cups of coffee but heck, it didn't seem too bad. Ignorance is bliss but an experience not all indviduals can experience first hand, though I think I caught a taste of it.

It's nice!!

OCD

2008-10-22T21:17:00.003+11:00

1. The gym is an uber homosexual place.

You can disagree if you want but that's just my opinion, I don't really have any like empirical evidence or anything. It's just what I think. It's like when I say Entourage is a guy's version of Sex and the City - story of a bunch of guy's sexual conquests, money, careers, relationships and their friendship. I told a friend this the other day and it's funny how stunned he was, defensive and almost as if he was suddenly in a position where he had to prove something hehehe.

A guy on a neighboring table overheard and chuckled. He totally agreed with me, claiming he watched both (in a comfortable and un-emasculated manner - I don't think that is a word btw, anyway...) Damn it! I probably should have talked to him a bit more! Gah

What was I on about again? Yeah, um gym = gay. Not that I mind - cause you know, I'm open minded haha

2. Going to the gym is so tedious.

I can't express my lack of progress; especially in contrast to energy input. Though I have to admit I have been able to eat more without a huge detrimental effect. Though I wish the scale would stop creeping up. Guy my weight are so much buffer - which kind of just indicate my massive body fat levels. Kind of depressing really.

Not only do you have watch for technique, which ironically turns it almost into an Art form - I mean, it has 'technique'; you also have to monitor load and reps and know when its time to overload. It's all very strategic, to build body mass without looking bulky is a relative decent timeframe. Lean muscle is nice but it'll be a really really long time coming if you intend to start that way. Maybe if you got bulk and then slow it down to tone it further... I don't know. I'm obviously no expert.

And finally damn body fat! Oh and you have the matter of keeping things symmetrical. I've said this before and I'll say it again - girls have it so much easier in this respect. How come celebrities can drop like 8967438609 pounds and tone up in like 6 weeks. Even with a trainer and a dietion - wtf, I don't even think I can handle it mentally let alone physically.

3. I've been relationship advoidant

I think it's been a good 4 days since I've actually dealt with my relationship problems, face-to-face. I'm just so unsettled by the whole thing. I don't particularly know how to feel. Am I suppose to be upset, angry, indifferent?! I always begin by fuming and then it results in absolute resentment and finally
'emo' followed by a general sense of being... kind of lost. Like in the moronic sense. This is probably what makes me a 'marshmallow'

I think admist everything it's the fact that I care that jumps out at me. I never, honest to god, thought it would make such an impact. We never did anything major, as the rest of world reminded me every now and then "ahh the honeymoon phase". Again, I'm just now lost for words.

4. Blackberry email gives me time to blog on my long journey home

Finally a productive outlet! Good considering, I can't read whilst moving.

Emotional states

2008-10-21T22:35:00.001+11:00

I'm curious - how many emotional states does one feel in a day. I'm not talking the exterior facade that you put on for others or where you hide those minor inklings of annoyance or anger. Seriously everything!

Essentially every thought is fueled by some sort of emotion - am I right? Sure to varying degrees but even if we count only the ones that leave a, more or less, conscious imprint in our minds we would get a least a good dozen or two. That's an emotional rollercoaster!

Is this just me?

I mean I don't think we can write off as an adolescent phase - can we? Are we suppose to be more emotionally resilient, indifferent and aloof inside as we get older? Is that a part of what it means to grow up? To let rationality rule with a steel fist?

I say all this cause there have been so many things I just wanted to blog about throughout the day. Documenting what is essentially my life - but I can't. I can't just drop everything and do that. I can now - but that's just handy.

The last thing I felt was angry, resentment and wounded. In that order... It's too much... I can't type that fast! I'm actually getting cut and sore as I write this... Ughh...

Broken hearted

2008-10-20T22:34:00.002+11:00

I'm sitting here typing on my blackberry, waiting for the damn tram and freezing myself in the meantime. I honestly can't express how much I hate public transport! I want to drive - I do! It's just kind of hard to learn when 1/ you don't have an auto car to practice in and 2/ no one to supervise me...

Anyway, after a certain phone call I wonder how people in close relationships actually work together - whether that be friendship or the more intimate kind. My boss and his wife are the epitome of what it is like to strike the perfect balance. Both capable of working and living together. But that's one in a million! I don't know how they do it but they do! Oh I almost forgot my ballet teachers are the same. Geez, they're different though - ha look at that.

Actually even as I'm typing this I wonder if maybe it's just me. From an entirely emotionally removed perspective I've been known to be notoriously complicated, confusing, annoying and well anything off the top of your head when you think; me.

Okay new perspective - I'm socially retarded and completely incapable of being truly happy. So where does that leave me? Do I play the blame game - neglect? Domineering parents? Bad social circle or the lack of? What? Change?

I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. With over 6 billion people on this planet, I wish I could peak into the mind of any to see if anything I thought or felt resembled normality in the minds of others. Or conversely someone saw the world exactly the way I do.

People say we'll cross that bridge when we come to it; but I can see it! And it's nothing like what I imagined it to be. All of this is getting further and further from what I wanted to say. Typical. Anyway you would think he'd be there to catch you when you fall...

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

Leaves

2008-10-19T17:15:00.006+11:00

I'm back and this time I'm going to be writing in the normal first person. The removed version is nice but CBF. It takes a lot to write, especially when your just trying to vent or simply be emo over something. Trying to be artistic at the same time, kind of kills the mood altogether - I just end up frustrated at the blog in addition to whatever I was going to say.

Anyway, how have I been... Hmm, I don't know how to answer that perfectly.

My partner told me I was too, a marshmellow. Essentially pretty on the outside but compeltely void of all substance - 'soft' and 'shallow' on the inside. Don't get me wrong, I get the fact I'm not the brightest person around. My uni life reminds me of that on a constant basis, which by the way, has literally reduced me to rubble - acedemiea was my all at one stage and I don't have that anymore. My grades have got progressively worse and despite how much I try and/or [yes, and/or] procrastinate - their not picking up. To hear it from that person of all people, it's taken me, lets see; about a good 2 and a half years to see that my worth isn't what people say I am, or something that they can point to. Yet, that one statement had cut right through me.

Not everyone can graduate 3rd in their year, be pretty on the outside and possess the soul of an artist! Like, Hello! Don't you plan on changing careers - anyway...

On a more positive note, I am now in possession of one Blackberry Bold, which I have to admit is a sweet phone/PDA/etc - though it did cost me my old number. Whatever, the point is, I never actually realise how many emails I receive. They're not necessarily all emails in which I care about but there is a lot! The QWERTY keyboard is super convinient and the other day, I think it was only about 3 days after I got my BB, I picked up my Sony Ericssion and I literally stared at the keys for a good minute or two before I remembered how to type numbers in a text message.

I picked up some books on Friday. One of those 'Histories Stories' - Greatest Scandals, and Worst Decisions. They remind me, I love to read. Knowledge for the sake of knowledge. Things; uncomplicated. Perhaps they'll help me focus for the coming exams - I've reminded myself to begin revision on numerous occassion which I haven't done. Maybe tonight; Maybe... I love that word.

There's more... there's always more but, I think, I'm okay for now.

Laws of physics

2008-09-01T22:49:00.004+10:00

In physics, the law of conservation of energy states that the total amount of energy in any isolated system remains constant but cannot be recreated, although it may change forms, e.g. friction turns kinetic energy into thermal energy... In short, the law of conservation of energy states that energy can not be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another or transferred from one body to another, but the total amount of energy remains constant (the same).

You ever notice something that bugged you - annoyed the hell out of you. I'm talking about one of those slow gradual processes that ate into your conscience in its own intricately slow and calculated manner. It was most likely your own fault but could it helped?

Once you notice it, you see - it is there. There is no escape and ones own neuroticism feeds it. Your own thoughts, the driving stick to your own malevolence. The more you think about it, the bigger the problem appears, nay - will be. But once again, the question arises - can this be helped?

The answer - may appear simple. 'Sure! Your own contempt for the situation is the sole source of your own frustration. Mentally make peace with it and you too will be at peace. We're nothing but a grain of sand on a beach..."

That, may be true, but it doesn't sound fully human. We're imperfect. I'm imperfect... stupid and all encompassing.

Dysthymia

2008-08-31T21:49:00.004+10:00

Cleaning the last dish was also the biggest chore. Placing the last of it, I washed my hands free of the grime and oil. Dirty...

Looking at the trash - the waste, I felt sick.

My mind wondered - it always did. The usual haunts.

A means to an End

2008-08-30T17:53:00.007+10:00

Last week was bland and in many respects, it had plain sucked. Everything signifying nothing. [I had several entries lined up but it was the genius of blogger that perhaps it would be fun to recode these words into some illiterate script of 1 and 0 and other means of computer markup 'it' understood.]

Moments came and went but overall, it was a mutual understanding between life and myself that I would attempt, nay - bare the brute of it all, and cruise through as quickly as possible.

Like an MasterCard ad, I could count the moments - the good and the bad. I smiled politely but at the end of the day, the one I thing I was not comfortable with or in was my own skin - my life as a whole.

Am I just winning about the challenges of everyday life? Most likely.

Contemplative, a week on fast forward - Parentals. Uni. Work. Gym. Food. Tiffany & Co. Money. Housing. Him. Her. They.

Part-ey hard-ey [I think you need to add a wooho] Woohoo!

2008-08-23T01:56:00.005+10:00

The website is a mess. A piles of burning rubble of what once was and could have been. Though this were only from the eyes of an Eurasian poorly trained in Chinese - my proficiency, low. Very low. Though one would think amongst its varied clientele the website would be accessible to Australians or an 'abc' (as I was to be known by the girl behind the front desk). I managed to book it anyway - in person - and though the staff weren't very proficient in the 'English' language, they smiled and we managed!

-

Walking down Lygon St, just before the rush hour of dinner can be a daunting experience! Shop owners rush to your side as each attempt to beguile you into their tiny Italian restaurant. Specials they list meticulously or perhaps a discount offered on food or drinks. You glance around, searching for affirmation in someone's eyes. Nothing... And you judge - not by the merit of the deals themselves but the interior design. Probably not the best choice but what else is one to do. It usually all works out mighty fine in the end though - its Lygon, exceptions aside one can't really go wrong.

Gifts; they were beyond sufficient. Her gift exceeding my expectations, it was obvious a clear train of thought had been place into them - and it was the thought itself that touched me. It was far-reaching, heart warming.

-

Karaoke wasn't something I did often - nor most people for that matter. But the night was an experience that burns memorably regardless how I look at it. Alcohol, food and some incredibly outdated songs - 'material' compared to the people the time was spent with. The atmosphere electric and despite the cosiness of the room itself, it was alive and well.

A str-ay

2008-08-21T18:20:00.016+10:00

Magazine rack at Borders. As much cruising of 'talent' both on and off the page.
You sit and you read. The eye catches a passing figure. And in that brief moment you passively judge. It's second nature - instinctive.

Your eyes fall back onto the page.

-

Editorial for thought.

What If You Only Thought You Were Gay?
For some men, the trouble starts when they realize they're actually straight. - By Anna David, Deatils Magazine.

In the early nineties, Dan Rothenberg was having a gay old time—literally. A rising comedian in San Francisco, he spent his nights at clubs in the Castro, where he discovered, to his surprise, that he was "a bit of a boy magnet." Rothenberg, then in his early twenties, was for pretty much the first time in his life finding hooking up with people easy. A regular at the Stud's disco night, he was known for starting off his routine at local comedy clubs by saying "I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don't like coffee." Fifteen years later, he sits outside a West Hollywood Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf reminiscing with a woman about his days as an out-and-proud gay man. The woman happens to be his wife.
Rothenberg and Colleen Crabtree, both 35, met seven years ago. Five or so years before that, Rothenberg was paralyzed by fear over the realization that he wasn't actually gay. Although it took about a year to admit to himself that his Castro days were over, one incident stands out. "I happened to see a female friend getting dressed," he says. "I remember watching her and thinking 'There's no way words can describe how much I want that."

Existence of God

2008-08-20T22:11:00.002+10:00

Either a God so conceived exists or does not exist.
But if he does not exist, that cannot be just a contingent matter – ie ‘he might have existed, it is just that in fact he does not’ – b/c that would make his existence also a contingent matter. But then this would not be the God we had conceived of, since his existence is necessary.
So if such a God does not exist, his non-existence must be necessary, which means it is impossible he should exist.
But there is no reason for thinking his existence is impossible.
The only alternative is that he exists (necessarily).

Tute Exercise 3

Is belief in God a matter of faith or of reason, or of both? 200 words, to be submitted at your tutorial in Week 5 (week Beginning Monday 25th August)

Other quarter?

2008-08-19T23:30:00.005+10:00

6:25pm.

AND she's late. Nothing surprising really, but I was hungry. I'd been up since what I called the wee hours of 7:25AM and it'd been a good 11hours.

I sat, I waited; staring catatonically at the city lights that laid before me. Strange how such a vision can be seen from campus. But there it was! The hub of metropolitan Melbourne. A sigh, but all that could be heard was a cough. I wanted to move and not anywhere, somewhere out there!

6:26pm.

AND there she was! A smile. WHAT the HELL is she? She wasn't my better half. That I have no doubt! But she made the day easier to bare and hours past... she's like that second last piece of the puzzle.

Its still incomplete though...

I await the last.

Late night shopping after gymming

2008-08-18T22:03:00.005+10:00

It funny how you feel after doing an hours class of 'TRI-ATHLETIC'. It felt like aerobics to me. Though I'm sure, the names there for a reason. I mean - where would you rather be?

I didn't bother changing afterwards, though I rushed back to the change rooms all the same. I worry - its what I do! My stuff was still there, ALL of it this time - good, good. It was packed. Many swimmers and/or regular gym rats and I waited my turn... I threw on my hoodie and the branding stared back at me, and I sinked JUST a little bit...

The iPod proved quick comfort as I blasted the music way up - some American band that most people have probably never heard of. I was thirsty and it looked like a quick trip to Coles before the train.

-

I scanned the shelves. No sugarfree V to be found... and THERE! They went pass me, even amongst the crowd - my eyes followed. Moving on, I mentally debated the pros and cons of a sugar hit after behaving like an idiot for an hour - they call that a workout? Indifferent, mizone was the end champion at 1.70 a bottle.

I lined up and in front of me...

They bought 2 cartons of soy milk, 2 diet cokes, a pack of pasta and a tub of low fat yogurt.

It'd been obvious they had just come from the gym. Though oddly, the duo was all suited up. You wouldn't have known if it weren't for that hair - it was wet and pushed back - maybe it was sweat.

Then that one person in all the world popped back into my head.

I ponder the possibilities; and during that split second the world stalls, an experience all too familiar. Though honestly before, I or anyone can really gather their thoughts, everything is just as it seems.

"Next please!"

And I've just hit a new low.

2 people will get this - maybe.