Burning the midnight oil

I've been up all night - working on something for a uni association. I'm barely literate and barely capable of typing (I can but that backspace sound, I do a lot right now). I also have to mouth every word I say as I go.

I have work soon but not before doing some final touch up after it has been proofread. The retarded thing goes away once I get it done and dusted, the adrenaline usually keeps me going till tonight once again.

Despite all this, my mind has still be twirling away in the background as I worked. I've been a bad person. BBBBBBBAAAAHD -sheep noise- I don't know thought that way funny, it was funny in my mind anyway.

I've been thinking this because this reminds me of the time back in high school. When I was all quiet and got ignored, but heck, I was me. Not someone who always voices his thoughts but I was me. Now, I am still me and there ARE a lot of things I like about me NOW. But, I have also lost a bit of me that I liked.

This booklet that I'm making makes me proud again. When I use to stay up all night, sure I was still doing things at the last min like I still do now, but the difference being I liked the end result back then. That hasn't happened in a long time.

Mentally I'm making amend for being a retard, it turns out my self esteem wasn't that high after all. The weird thing is that, most people will probably see now difference and only overtime think of me in a somewhat positive light. However, right now, for me, it odd. This feeling that I have to say "sorry" for whatever it is I have done or said wrong (This links back to that whole thing about me not being entirely aware till at some point it actually turns around to bite me in the ass)

A side note, that remind me of that time my part- EX-partner, asked me if I wanted to move in. I say no. At the time it seemed logical. Funny where we might be if I had agreed. I did mention I screw up - A LOT?!

Back to my point, so yeah trying to do what I can. Firstly, taking more action myself to meet up with people. I'll have to see how it goes from there. Being the person I am, I know I'll want to apologise - though the person I'm apologising will prob have either forgotten or stop caring, by doing so, I would only be digging up bad memories - why bother right?

I also want go shopping for a book so I can read or maybe borrow one. Something, not so heavily in terms of weight though - I want to carry it around...

Broken hearted

I'm sitting here typing on my blackberry, waiting for the damn tram and freezing myself in the meantime. I honestly can't express how much I hate public transport! I want to drive - I do! It's just kind of hard to learn when 1/ you don't have an auto car to practice in and 2/ no one to supervise me...

Anyway, after a certain phone call I wonder how people in close relationships actually work together - whether that be friendship or the more intimate kind. My boss and his wife are the epitome of what it is like to strike the perfect balance. Both capable of working and living together. But that's one in a million! I don't know how they do it but they do! Oh I almost forgot my ballet teachers are the same. Geez, they're different though - ha look at that.

Actually even as I'm typing this I wonder if maybe it's just me. From an entirely emotionally removed perspective I've been known to be notoriously complicated, confusing, annoying and well anything off the top of your head when you think; me.

Okay new perspective - I'm socially retarded and completely incapable of being truly happy. So where does that leave me? Do I play the blame game - neglect? Domineering parents? Bad social circle or the lack of? What? Change?

I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. With over 6 billion people on this planet, I wish I could peak into the mind of any to see if anything I thought or felt resembled normality in the minds of others. Or conversely someone saw the world exactly the way I do.

People say we'll cross that bridge when we come to it; but I can see it! And it's nothing like what I imagined it to be. All of this is getting further and further from what I wanted to say. Typical. Anyway you would think he'd be there to catch you when you fall...

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

Leaves

I'm back and this time I'm going to be writing in the normal first person. The removed version is nice but CBF. It takes a lot to write, especially when your just trying to vent or simply be emo over something. Trying to be artistic at the same time, kind of kills the mood altogether - I just end up frustrated at the blog in addition to whatever I was going to say.

Anyway, how have I been... Hmm, I don't know how to answer that perfectly.

My partner told me I was too, a marshmellow. Essentially pretty on the outside but compeltely void of all substance - 'soft' and 'shallow' on the inside. Don't get me wrong, I get the fact I'm not the brightest person around. My uni life reminds me of that on a constant basis, which by the way, has literally reduced me to rubble - acedemiea was my all at one stage and I don't have that anymore. My grades have got progressively worse and despite how much I try and/or [yes, and/or] procrastinate - their not picking up. To hear it from that person of all people, it's taken me, lets see; about a good 2 and a half years to see that my worth isn't what people say I am, or something that they can point to. Yet, that one statement had cut right through me.

Not everyone can graduate 3rd in their year, be pretty on the outside and possess the soul of an artist! Like, Hello! Don't you plan on changing careers - anyway...

On a more positive note, I am now in possession of one Blackberry Bold, which I have to admit is a sweet phone/PDA/etc - though it did cost me my old number. Whatever, the point is, I never actually realise how many emails I receive. They're not necessarily all emails in which I care about but there is a lot! The QWERTY keyboard is super convinient and the other day, I think it was only about 3 days after I got my BB, I picked up my Sony Ericssion and I literally stared at the keys for a good minute or two before I remembered how to type numbers in a text message.

I picked up some books on Friday. One of those 'Histories Stories' - Greatest Scandals, and Worst Decisions. They remind me, I love to read. Knowledge for the sake of knowledge. Things; uncomplicated. Perhaps they'll help me focus for the coming exams - I've reminded myself to begin revision on numerous occassion which I haven't done. Maybe tonight; Maybe... I love that word.

There's more... there's always more but, I think, I'm okay for now.