I think of myself as a big softy at the core.
There are things that I sometimes say or do, that may make me appear in a certain way: at the end of the day, despite some thinking that I wear my feelings on my sleeves, I don't.
The fluidity from thought to action for me may not be as complex as those that surround me; but I think and feel others things too. You may call it oversensitivity, neuroticim, anxiety etc. but I feel that they are warranted, I wouldn't feel the way I do otherwise.
One of biggest things, I find irritating?/annoying? [don't know the right word here] is people assuming they know me. I'm not talking about people trying to help or giving advice - but when people feel they actually KNOW you. Not, that they can related but actually "know". It's a really fine line in my opinion.
So why is any of this important?
I just watch Jelena Dokic fight her way through to the quarter finals. 3 sets; 7/5, 5/7, 8/6 - with a twisted ankle towards the end too. It's moving and the way she goes about what she does is quite courageous. The reporter mention in this tournament, she shot up from 600 something to within the top 100.
It makes me think, I feel so much on the inside - these are thought processes which I don't always show, but I definitely feel [hence, the part on people thinking I wear my feelings, I may have just scratch the surface to vent - it's an iceberg], but for the most part - my question is, whether they or not they are material - not whether or not its warranted. I feel they are all warranted but some may not be material.
I mean, I feel about how others feel - towards me. Should I care less? The most logical response would be yes, right? I have learnt or would like to think, I've learnt to deal with these type of things better - but I'm not there yet. Tiny things can send me spiralling - dreams and nightmares replay/relive those moment, potential moments/responses, not existent futures - there is a lot of energy being directed towards all this, at the very subconscious level that I have lost sleep. I dream almost every night. Everyone dream, all the time, everytime they sleep - but I always remember my dreams very clearly - to the very fine details.
I've experience times, in which I can be fully awake, or have gone through a whole day, and then continue to sleep - picking up dreams from exactly where I've left off, adjusting them as appropriate with new thoughts and newfound information - I can essentially direct my dreams if you will. People may claim that's the whole point of dreams, but I'm talking about it as though, I'm there - conscious within my dream. They are often very mundane, people talking. Me - going about daily life but I get a chance to respond differently - test, experiment. It's kind of disturbing, because I'm not really sleeping, I'm just using it as an aid to think - there isn't enough time in a day - I must be a slow thinker. Hence, I need a lot of sleep. There are nights I don't dream, I sleep well during those nights.
I'm ambitious and I want to do things with my life - not for the praise, prestige or money, but for me. Cliche - maybe but it's important to me.
Can I reach all my hopes and dreams through the way I live, feel & view my life now?
January 25, 2009
January 16, 2009
In the jungle...
... the mighty jungle, the lion sleep tonight!
Today's been an awfully confusing day. I guess it has been like any other in one day. There are certain things we do in which we just go through the motions; whether that be on a high or low note.
Tuesday Afternoon: Desperation - trying to complete a mini mailout of 46. Month long project from inception to finish. Needed it to be at the post office by 5pm.
Night: Delight - Average dinner but awesome drinks with a friend from high school on Chapel; explaining the difference betwee types of Gin and Martini variation, dry, shaken, stirred.
Wednesday afternoon: Frustration & Embarassment - medium level productivity at work, trying to prove that I am NOT incompetent at what I do.
Late Afternoon: Disenchanted - feeling morbidly obessed at my reflection in the ballet mirror. Not only had any technique I had been sapped by the 3 week break, but also the humidity. Note to self, once again, shape up.
Night: Joyful & Lively - Friend's going away drinks at MOO. Suprisingly fun. Though I wasn't expecting anything horrid, the night turned into something so much more than expected.
Today Morning 8am: Neutral, tired - but my mind jumps to getting ready. Need to be in the office early; IT support work.
8:45am: Annoyance - in the car and 'trying' to listen to my iPod, my father's voice in the background. Is he even taking breathes between sentences anymore?
9:30am: Royally PISSED OFF - The same feeling I get everytime, I leave that car regardless of duration. The same feeling I get when I am in the same room with those people pass a distinctive timeframe.
9:40am: Calm - The wind runs the red light. I waited as the Red Man flashed. No rush, deep breathes.
9:45am: Cheerful - The morning buzz at work is still live and kicking. Casual friday, I keep my iPod in my ears with the volumne turned down. People kid as they continue starring at their screens. Funny mass email from the OM [Executive Office Manager/ the "Office Mommy"] I move to my music as I booted up 3 computers simultaneously. I was headed for the kitchen, cereal and milk.
11am: Boredom and Frustration - the computer fails to comply to command prompts from DOS, ignoring standard procedures for setting up a user on a domain. Email configuration for new girl; rejected by outlook - over and over and over...
11:30am: Running Low - a girl in the office got bad news and left for the day. Everyone had crashed emotionally. It was obvious the positive energy this morning was merely an act for all.
1pm: Lacklustre & Hopelessness - the more I hear the less I wanted to know "If they saw a 'B' - they wouldn't even consider them. / But... / ...Yeah, but at the end of the day, grades are all they truly care about, they judge you purely at a monetary level"
2pm: Moss - how low can you go? The energy was truly gone. I stared at my spreadsheet. Question mismatch - 4 words.
3pm: Flatlining - I had finished a certain stage for the project. I wonder over to my superior for direction. "Do you want a break? / Ugggghhhhhhhhh...... / Yeah"
3:30pm: Proud - HA - Techno Boy; take that outlook, Testing 1, 2, Three / Reply Prompt test - Test, RAJW this is SimBA Essex on RARA 1126, testing, 1, 2, three.
3:45pm: Shutdown computer 2 and 3. Clearing desk and setting desk materials. We're ready for Bec2, Monday morning. Bec1 away all week.
4pm: Lighthearted
5:30pm: Shocked & fearful - Job insecurities and confusion.
7:15pm: Surprise - Whoa, nice! Who's is that? They looks familiar... time passes... why is the other shop assistant here? I want to talk to the first one; alone. Assistant number 2: "You drink beer? / yea..." Moments later: beer in hand!
8:30pm: Giggly - dinner with friends over Pho. Ahh, the simplisity
10:30pm: Cut - Lecture number 4.
Later; Stuff happens.
Today's been an awfully confusing day. I guess it has been like any other in one day. There are certain things we do in which we just go through the motions; whether that be on a high or low note.
Tuesday Afternoon: Desperation - trying to complete a mini mailout of 46. Month long project from inception to finish. Needed it to be at the post office by 5pm.
Night: Delight - Average dinner but awesome drinks with a friend from high school on Chapel; explaining the difference betwee types of Gin and Martini variation, dry, shaken, stirred.
Wednesday afternoon: Frustration & Embarassment - medium level productivity at work, trying to prove that I am NOT incompetent at what I do.
Late Afternoon: Disenchanted - feeling morbidly obessed at my reflection in the ballet mirror. Not only had any technique I had been sapped by the 3 week break, but also the humidity. Note to self, once again, shape up.
Night: Joyful & Lively - Friend's going away drinks at MOO. Suprisingly fun. Though I wasn't expecting anything horrid, the night turned into something so much more than expected.
Today Morning 8am: Neutral, tired - but my mind jumps to getting ready. Need to be in the office early; IT support work.
8:45am: Annoyance - in the car and 'trying' to listen to my iPod, my father's voice in the background. Is he even taking breathes between sentences anymore?
9:30am: Royally PISSED OFF - The same feeling I get everytime, I leave that car regardless of duration. The same feeling I get when I am in the same room with those people pass a distinctive timeframe.
9:40am: Calm - The wind runs the red light. I waited as the Red Man flashed. No rush, deep breathes.
9:45am: Cheerful - The morning buzz at work is still live and kicking. Casual friday, I keep my iPod in my ears with the volumne turned down. People kid as they continue starring at their screens. Funny mass email from the OM [Executive Office Manager/ the "Office Mommy"] I move to my music as I booted up 3 computers simultaneously. I was headed for the kitchen, cereal and milk.
11am: Boredom and Frustration - the computer fails to comply to command prompts from DOS, ignoring standard procedures for setting up a user on a domain. Email configuration for new girl; rejected by outlook - over and over and over...
11:30am: Running Low - a girl in the office got bad news and left for the day. Everyone had crashed emotionally. It was obvious the positive energy this morning was merely an act for all.
1pm: Lacklustre & Hopelessness - the more I hear the less I wanted to know "If they saw a 'B' - they wouldn't even consider them. / But... / ...Yeah, but at the end of the day, grades are all they truly care about, they judge you purely at a monetary level"
2pm: Moss - how low can you go? The energy was truly gone. I stared at my spreadsheet. Question mismatch - 4 words.
3pm: Flatlining - I had finished a certain stage for the project. I wonder over to my superior for direction. "Do you want a break? / Ugggghhhhhhhhh...... / Yeah"
3:30pm: Proud - HA - Techno Boy; take that outlook, Testing 1, 2, Three / Reply Prompt test - Test, RAJW this is SimBA Essex on RARA 1126, testing, 1, 2, three.
3:45pm: Shutdown computer 2 and 3. Clearing desk and setting desk materials. We're ready for Bec2, Monday morning. Bec1 away all week.
4pm: Lighthearted
5:30pm: Shocked & fearful - Job insecurities and confusion.
7:15pm: Surprise - Whoa, nice! Who's is that? They looks familiar... time passes... why is the other shop assistant here? I want to talk to the first one; alone. Assistant number 2: "You drink beer? / yea..." Moments later: beer in hand!
8:30pm: Giggly - dinner with friends over Pho. Ahh, the simplisity
10:30pm: Cut - Lecture number 4.
Later; Stuff happens.
January 11, 2009
The twilight zone
I'm not actually refering to the book by the way. Heh.
The last couple of days have been emotionally exhaustive - in a good way. Had another argument with a friend over what is essentially the same issue that I've been trying to deal with lately. Did other things too like, visit Doncaster Shoppintown for the first time since its renovation, played the PS2 Singstar games, Low level of sleep hehehe, played DDR, eaten heaps of fruit which is something havent done in a while etc. etc.
Um, so where am I now? Nowhere ground breaking really but I think, it's been a bit overwhelming. I'm letting it happen [this be overwhelming] because I think it help to work through it, literally let it out and let it go... My eyes hurt...
But.. it's odd for me to suddenly be more aware of my surrounding and as if beginning to see things from other people's perspective. It's good because I don't really want to be the jerk-type that people don't like. It's not even so much I care about what people think about me - don't get me wrong, I do. It's about being a better person and careful not to offend through a process of better understanding the people that surround me.
Beforehand, there would be incidences in which things would happen the way they did but I wouldn't know why. It's not as though every question I had before are now answered or anything but I can better relate.
It's all about perspective now isnt it - walking a mile in another's shoe.
Let's hope I'm making progress. It's also made me really thankful of the people that though previously didn't get me, still stuck through with it and gave me a chance.
The last couple of days have been emotionally exhaustive - in a good way. Had another argument with a friend over what is essentially the same issue that I've been trying to deal with lately. Did other things too like, visit Doncaster Shoppintown for the first time since its renovation, played the PS2 Singstar games, Low level of sleep hehehe, played DDR, eaten heaps of fruit which is something havent done in a while etc. etc.
Um, so where am I now? Nowhere ground breaking really but I think, it's been a bit overwhelming. I'm letting it happen [this be overwhelming] because I think it help to work through it, literally let it out and let it go... My eyes hurt...
But.. it's odd for me to suddenly be more aware of my surrounding and as if beginning to see things from other people's perspective. It's good because I don't really want to be the jerk-type that people don't like. It's not even so much I care about what people think about me - don't get me wrong, I do. It's about being a better person and careful not to offend through a process of better understanding the people that surround me.
Beforehand, there would be incidences in which things would happen the way they did but I wouldn't know why. It's not as though every question I had before are now answered or anything but I can better relate.
It's all about perspective now isnt it - walking a mile in another's shoe.
Let's hope I'm making progress. It's also made me really thankful of the people that though previously didn't get me, still stuck through with it and gave me a chance.
January 7, 2009
Burning the midnight oil
I've been up all night - working on something for a uni association. I'm barely literate and barely capable of typing (I can but that backspace sound, I do a lot right now). I also have to mouth every word I say as I go.
I have work soon but not before doing some final touch up after it has been proofread. The retarded thing goes away once I get it done and dusted, the adrenaline usually keeps me going till tonight once again.
Despite all this, my mind has still be twirling away in the background as I worked. I've been a bad person. BBBBBBBAAAAHD -sheep noise- I don't know thought that way funny, it was funny in my mind anyway.
I've been thinking this because this reminds me of the time back in high school. When I was all quiet and got ignored, but heck, I was me. Not someone who always voices his thoughts but I was me. Now, I am still me and there ARE a lot of things I like about me NOW. But, I have also lost a bit of me that I liked.
This booklet that I'm making makes me proud again. When I use to stay up all night, sure I was still doing things at the last min like I still do now, but the difference being I liked the end result back then. That hasn't happened in a long time.
Mentally I'm making amend for being a retard, it turns out my self esteem wasn't that high after all. The weird thing is that, most people will probably see now difference and only overtime think of me in a somewhat positive light. However, right now, for me, it odd. This feeling that I have to say "sorry" for whatever it is I have done or said wrong (This links back to that whole thing about me not being entirely aware till at some point it actually turns around to bite me in the ass)
A side note, that remind me of that time my part- EX-partner, asked me if I wanted to move in. I say no. At the time it seemed logical. Funny where we might be if I had agreed. I did mention I screw up - A LOT?!
Back to my point, so yeah trying to do what I can. Firstly, taking more action myself to meet up with people. I'll have to see how it goes from there. Being the person I am, I know I'll want to apologise - though the person I'm apologising will prob have either forgotten or stop caring, by doing so, I would only be digging up bad memories - why bother right?
I also want go shopping for a book so I can read or maybe borrow one. Something, not so heavily in terms of weight though - I want to carry it around...
I have work soon but not before doing some final touch up after it has been proofread. The retarded thing goes away once I get it done and dusted, the adrenaline usually keeps me going till tonight once again.
Despite all this, my mind has still be twirling away in the background as I worked. I've been a bad person. BBBBBBBAAAAHD -sheep noise- I don't know thought that way funny, it was funny in my mind anyway.
I've been thinking this because this reminds me of the time back in high school. When I was all quiet and got ignored, but heck, I was me. Not someone who always voices his thoughts but I was me. Now, I am still me and there ARE a lot of things I like about me NOW. But, I have also lost a bit of me that I liked.
This booklet that I'm making makes me proud again. When I use to stay up all night, sure I was still doing things at the last min like I still do now, but the difference being I liked the end result back then. That hasn't happened in a long time.
Mentally I'm making amend for being a retard, it turns out my self esteem wasn't that high after all. The weird thing is that, most people will probably see now difference and only overtime think of me in a somewhat positive light. However, right now, for me, it odd. This feeling that I have to say "sorry" for whatever it is I have done or said wrong (This links back to that whole thing about me not being entirely aware till at some point it actually turns around to bite me in the ass)
A side note, that remind me of that time my part- EX-partner, asked me if I wanted to move in. I say no. At the time it seemed logical. Funny where we might be if I had agreed. I did mention I screw up - A LOT?!
Back to my point, so yeah trying to do what I can. Firstly, taking more action myself to meet up with people. I'll have to see how it goes from there. Being the person I am, I know I'll want to apologise - though the person I'm apologising will prob have either forgotten or stop caring, by doing so, I would only be digging up bad memories - why bother right?
I also want go shopping for a book so I can read or maybe borrow one. Something, not so heavily in terms of weight though - I want to carry it around...
January 4, 2009
Did I just screw up?
You know those talks you have with your parent?
Usually they begin innocently enough, your talking about some random crap that in all honesty has no real relevance to everyday life and then BHAM! It's suddenly a lecture on social etiquette
... I don't think I have ever actual heard them, in the sense of actually listening.
The last one was quite interesting. I don't actually know how it started, but there I was sitting on a park bench with my mom talking about the maturity of boys versus girls. Something happened and she asked about the age of some of my friends [most of whom are...]. She mentioned that girl biologically mature at a earlier age - there's no surprise here. She also mentioned they also fast-track the thinking process mentally and there in lies the rise of the modern day woman.
Look, frankly girl bitch and they manipulate and they scheme. They care but it is only through all of the above. They've learnt to deal with this. In modern society, they've not only fought for the equal rights they deserve but have also hold onto the benefits of the woman from that all-male patriarchal society - "Hey! Come here." A duality - which isn't entirely fair either - but hey, us boys can't really say anything can we now? That would be sexist.
For boys, the education process begin at a later stage - somewhere between getting a girlfriend and the workforce. They follow orders; blindly, until hopefully one day, the smart one will understand how and why they are given and in the very manner they are given - and give these orders themselves.
Mom says:
And she pretty much left it there.
I swear I fall into the later category. Am I being negative again? Not necessarily - I don't know, it's all a blur right now.
All I know is I'm behind the bell curve when all proper consideration is placed into who I hang with and the people I work with. Most of whom are older, much mature girls/women.
Those two years I call 'leap years' have left their mark on my EI.
Now this screw-up effect I seem to possess is something quite unique I SWEAR.
It's like the very moment I think of something, it's instinctive; half the time I do exactly the opposite to my detriment too.
It's like I can get into the city via 3 different ways, I can:
Tram, Train [at Riversdale, change at Camberwell]
Tram, Walk, Train [at Camberwell]
Tram
You would think after some time, I would get use to a system but no. Everytime I try to rush, I end up taking the slowest route into the city. I haven't given trying altogether though, everytime, I try to make up my mind I hope I'm making the right choice; it never is though - the train will be delayed or whatever. It's not even matter of double guessing, it's beyond that and I still get it wrong.
How I should act, whether I should talk to a person, how to say something to someone. It never goes well. I literally have to think back about these events and go "Did I just screw up?" Most of the time, I'm not even kidding myself. It's an honest to god question I ask myself - because frankly I JUST DON'T KNOW?!
I know my Achilles Heel is that connection between my brain and my mouth; sometimes even just my brain. The point is I don't get social niceties; I clearly don't get social conventions! There I said it...
I guess after all this time, I would have thought someone got it enough to help. I can't imagine what he/she could even do -IF ANYTHING at all.
Sometimes the only thing I thought made sense was this thing. It's stupid but I did an official psychometric test when I was younger; money was paid and hours upon hours was spent and everything! I actually did a handful of them. This is the Myer-Briggs Personality Profile.
This is getting long. I know. I can't even imagine who would read this - should probably lock this up for private personal viewing only... Maybe I should start jotting down my entries into a proper diary only. I do have a few; one is even handmade from Florence, Italy. Hate my handwriting though, would ruin a perfectly good book - even if it's blank.
I am rambling I know. Anyway.
I'm an
Online quizzes irrespective of their reliability have all pointed to this without failure. Do these 4 letters even mean anything or tell you anything about me? Probably not.
Why am I listing this then? No reason. Well, maybe the same reason kids continue to stare into the sky.
Anyway, google it, if you want.
Here are some that popped up when I tried:
Wikipedia Reference
Here - It even has links at the bottom
Or Here
Here
Here
AND Here.
Why am I still here you ask? Wasting time, doodling on my notepad. Delaying sleep so not only do I roll over into sleep easily but hopefully also dream about something.
I find dreams interesting.
I also have work tomorrow. 9am. FUN! I actually have no idea how they perceive me! I've always thought that it was weird. I can't get a reading from my friends, let alone colleagues and acquaintances whom hold a corporate facade up for the world to see.
You know its been 2 hours since I started writing this. Not all of it at once of course - how pathetic is that if I were. Ha! I swear I have too much on my mind though. A person once told me to write down everything I genuinely thought about for about a month. I bought a notebook and everything. Carried it around with me everywhere and put it beside my bed. It didn't work. This was actually in year 12. It didn't work cause I spent most of my awake period writing in it furiously as thoughts just poured into my head. Didn't even pay 'fake' attention in class - funny how I got away with it though for 4 days. That's how long I kept it up for. My 96 book ran out of space and I cbfed anymore.
On that previous note, my fake attention in class was basically having my head resting on my arms as my eyes glazed over. Kind of like any other 15/16 year old but I was sitting at the front, not the back with the rest of them. Though my apathy and restlessness was completely different. Whereas, I assume anyway, most people wanted to head out for various reasons of purpose I had no purpose, I thought about: clouds literally - saw this amazing picture of this cloud once when I was 4, remembered it since - I even found it in another book; lunch, dinner, I ate a lot; my dreams - which I had plenty of at the time and sleep of course. I was restless but I was in no rush.
I think that's also why I wanted to do psychology so badly, so I would come to understand people and myself better while its credible at the same time. Beats spending the same amount of money to see a psychologist and only to come out and say "I went to a shrink and he told me so and so". BA [Psych] looks better doesn't it?
Okay 12:02, I been typing since 9:45. I'm going to go now.
PS for some bizarre reason, if I have manage to sustain someone interest 86 all the grammatical errors. I make heaps of them. I think it has something to do with the way I more than my actual literary ability - not that it is superb or anything either...
Usually they begin innocently enough, your talking about some random crap that in all honesty has no real relevance to everyday life and then BHAM! It's suddenly a lecture on social etiquette
... I don't think I have ever actual heard them, in the sense of actually listening.
The last one was quite interesting. I don't actually know how it started, but there I was sitting on a park bench with my mom talking about the maturity of boys versus girls. Something happened and she asked about the age of some of my friends [most of whom are...]. She mentioned that girl biologically mature at a earlier age - there's no surprise here. She also mentioned they also fast-track the thinking process mentally and there in lies the rise of the modern day woman.
Look, frankly girl bitch and they manipulate and they scheme. They care but it is only through all of the above. They've learnt to deal with this. In modern society, they've not only fought for the equal rights they deserve but have also hold onto the benefits of the woman from that all-male patriarchal society - "Hey! Come here." A duality - which isn't entirely fair either - but hey, us boys can't really say anything can we now? That would be sexist.
For boys, the education process begin at a later stage - somewhere between getting a girlfriend and the workforce. They follow orders; blindly, until hopefully one day, the smart one will understand how and why they are given and in the very manner they are given - and give these orders themselves.
Mom says:
Women these days only have trouble with [that last part] in the corporate world, but it doesn't stop them from reaching the top if they desire it. It's more like a 'Gladwrap Ceiling' Effect...
Men, on the other hand have trouble reaching that point altogether - even with all the help in the world some won't reach that point. There's much to be learnt about bureaucracy and civil niceties...
And she pretty much left it there.
I swear I fall into the later category. Am I being negative again? Not necessarily - I don't know, it's all a blur right now.
All I know is I'm behind the bell curve when all proper consideration is placed into who I hang with and the people I work with. Most of whom are older, much mature girls/women.
Those two years I call 'leap years' have left their mark on my EI.
Now this screw-up effect I seem to possess is something quite unique I SWEAR.
It's like the very moment I think of something, it's instinctive; half the time I do exactly the opposite to my detriment too.
Maybe I'm self-destructive! - Ethan Green (fictional)
It's like I can get into the city via 3 different ways, I can:
Tram, Train [at Riversdale, change at Camberwell]
Tram, Walk, Train [at Camberwell]
Tram
You would think after some time, I would get use to a system but no. Everytime I try to rush, I end up taking the slowest route into the city. I haven't given trying altogether though, everytime, I try to make up my mind I hope I'm making the right choice; it never is though - the train will be delayed or whatever. It's not even matter of double guessing, it's beyond that and I still get it wrong.
How I should act, whether I should talk to a person, how to say something to someone. It never goes well. I literally have to think back about these events and go "Did I just screw up?" Most of the time, I'm not even kidding myself. It's an honest to god question I ask myself - because frankly I JUST DON'T KNOW?!
Your mouth is open and words are coming out; this is never good - Buffy Summers (fictional)
I know my Achilles Heel is that connection between my brain and my mouth; sometimes even just my brain. The point is I don't get social niceties; I clearly don't get social conventions! There I said it...
I guess after all this time, I would have thought someone got it enough to help. I can't imagine what he/she could even do -IF ANYTHING at all.
Sometimes the only thing I thought made sense was this thing. It's stupid but I did an official psychometric test when I was younger; money was paid and hours upon hours was spent and everything! I actually did a handful of them. This is the Myer-Briggs Personality Profile.
This is getting long. I know. I can't even imagine who would read this - should probably lock this up for private personal viewing only... Maybe I should start jotting down my entries into a proper diary only. I do have a few; one is even handmade from Florence, Italy. Hate my handwriting though, would ruin a perfectly good book - even if it's blank.
I am rambling I know. Anyway.
I'm an
INTJ
Online quizzes irrespective of their reliability have all pointed to this without failure. Do these 4 letters even mean anything or tell you anything about me? Probably not.
Why am I listing this then? No reason. Well, maybe the same reason kids continue to stare into the sky.
Anyway, google it, if you want.
Here are some that popped up when I tried:
Wikipedia Reference
Here - It even has links at the bottom
Or Here
Here
Here
AND Here.
Why am I still here you ask? Wasting time, doodling on my notepad. Delaying sleep so not only do I roll over into sleep easily but hopefully also dream about something.
I find dreams interesting.
I also have work tomorrow. 9am. FUN! I actually have no idea how they perceive me! I've always thought that it was weird. I can't get a reading from my friends, let alone colleagues and acquaintances whom hold a corporate facade up for the world to see.
You know its been 2 hours since I started writing this. Not all of it at once of course - how pathetic is that if I were. Ha! I swear I have too much on my mind though. A person once told me to write down everything I genuinely thought about for about a month. I bought a notebook and everything. Carried it around with me everywhere and put it beside my bed. It didn't work. This was actually in year 12. It didn't work cause I spent most of my awake period writing in it furiously as thoughts just poured into my head. Didn't even pay 'fake' attention in class - funny how I got away with it though for 4 days. That's how long I kept it up for. My 96 book ran out of space and I cbfed anymore.
On that previous note, my fake attention in class was basically having my head resting on my arms as my eyes glazed over. Kind of like any other 15/16 year old but I was sitting at the front, not the back with the rest of them. Though my apathy and restlessness was completely different. Whereas, I assume anyway, most people wanted to head out for various reasons of purpose I had no purpose, I thought about: clouds literally - saw this amazing picture of this cloud once when I was 4, remembered it since - I even found it in another book; lunch, dinner, I ate a lot; my dreams - which I had plenty of at the time and sleep of course. I was restless but I was in no rush.
I think that's also why I wanted to do psychology so badly, so I would come to understand people and myself better while its credible at the same time. Beats spending the same amount of money to see a psychologist and only to come out and say "I went to a shrink and he told me so and so". BA [Psych] looks better doesn't it?
Okay 12:02, I been typing since 9:45. I'm going to go now.
PS for some bizarre reason, if I have manage to sustain someone interest 86 all the grammatical errors. I make heaps of them. I think it has something to do with the way I more than my actual literary ability - not that it is superb or anything either...
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