Starry starry night

I love the holidays - Christmas, New Years; heck even Valentines.

I just hate the ones I have.

There is so much anticipation with holidays, it makes everything seem anti-climatic.

Hahaha, I'm putting this lightly. I don't really expect that much. I think years of mediocre days with the unexpected stream of upsets that always seems to spiral out of control have taught me to finally take it all in my stride. I don't think I'm expecting that much - I will continue to look forward to each day in the hope that something uplifting will take place. The flip side; my spirit is broken - I don't really care anymore.

This scenario has now started to play out in many different areas; relationships, work, friends, study.

The crap I've waddled through all these have taught me to sort and ignore. Whilst the kid inside still hopes for the best.

AT the same time, I don't care anymore.

I know people have gone through worst; I'm not self-loathing, or self-obsessing here. Heck, that would implied I cared - which I don't. HA!

It's this weird realisation, an epiphany of truth of life. Potentially something I always knew, potentially something everyone already knows. It's just the things that have irritated me in the past [they still do BTW]; I've learned to short circuit the system. Something happens and it's just of kind of like "huh." and moving right along. A thought here and there and I'm on my way again.

Not my merry way but - on my way. Till that one day something falls into place - which may not mean anything anymore either.

-nod-

Merry Christmas.

Sitting, Wishing, Waiting

Okay I haven't blog in ages. Nothing has really sparked my mood to do so - at times, there is something but I am usually out or too cut/estatic to actually record it. They never seem as bad/good upon reflection. Probably something to do with my coping mechanism.

I've been working 12-5/5:30 everyday now since uni ended. My immediate supervisor is in Tiwan, so I essentially rock up when he does.

Been going to ballet 4 times a week now. Monday, Wednesday and Thursday nights and Saturday mornings and yet my interior adductor is as tight as ever. Damn them... makes sliding into the side split nearly impossible till the VERY end of class.

Looking for a new Gym. This is bullcrap by the way. Everything is so expensive and I am so poor!

I also need to find a good driving instructor to take me for driving lesson. My goal for the summer. DRIVE. Need to get moving.

I also feel incredibly dead inside somedays. It's not all bad because you know, we have to deal with people, things, deadlines. They make you forget, they make you smile but sometimes, when the world slows - or when the world has gotten so fast, your only moving a snail's speed to get to ponder for a little too long.

I sit, wish and wait.

I've also saw - no scratch that, skipped through Mamma Mia the movie in about half an hour like LAST Saturday but dear god; been walking around with it in my head everyday so far. I don't even dare to sit down and watch the whole thing. I do want to. Gay to love it but hey - go screw yourself for judging.