Starry starry night

I love the holidays - Christmas, New Years; heck even Valentines.

I just hate the ones I have.

There is so much anticipation with holidays, it makes everything seem anti-climatic.

Hahaha, I'm putting this lightly. I don't really expect that much. I think years of mediocre days with the unexpected stream of upsets that always seems to spiral out of control have taught me to finally take it all in my stride. I don't think I'm expecting that much - I will continue to look forward to each day in the hope that something uplifting will take place. The flip side; my spirit is broken - I don't really care anymore.

This scenario has now started to play out in many different areas; relationships, work, friends, study.

The crap I've waddled through all these have taught me to sort and ignore. Whilst the kid inside still hopes for the best.

AT the same time, I don't care anymore.

I know people have gone through worst; I'm not self-loathing, or self-obsessing here. Heck, that would implied I cared - which I don't. HA!

It's this weird realisation, an epiphany of truth of life. Potentially something I always knew, potentially something everyone already knows. It's just the things that have irritated me in the past [they still do BTW]; I've learned to short circuit the system. Something happens and it's just of kind of like "huh." and moving right along. A thought here and there and I'm on my way again.

Not my merry way but - on my way. Till that one day something falls into place - which may not mean anything anymore either.

-nod-

Merry Christmas.

Sitting, Wishing, Waiting

Okay I haven't blog in ages. Nothing has really sparked my mood to do so - at times, there is something but I am usually out or too cut/estatic to actually record it. They never seem as bad/good upon reflection. Probably something to do with my coping mechanism.

I've been working 12-5/5:30 everyday now since uni ended. My immediate supervisor is in Tiwan, so I essentially rock up when he does.

Been going to ballet 4 times a week now. Monday, Wednesday and Thursday nights and Saturday mornings and yet my interior adductor is as tight as ever. Damn them... makes sliding into the side split nearly impossible till the VERY end of class.

Looking for a new Gym. This is bullcrap by the way. Everything is so expensive and I am so poor!

I also need to find a good driving instructor to take me for driving lesson. My goal for the summer. DRIVE. Need to get moving.

I also feel incredibly dead inside somedays. It's not all bad because you know, we have to deal with people, things, deadlines. They make you forget, they make you smile but sometimes, when the world slows - or when the world has gotten so fast, your only moving a snail's speed to get to ponder for a little too long.

I sit, wish and wait.

I've also saw - no scratch that, skipped through Mamma Mia the movie in about half an hour like LAST Saturday but dear god; been walking around with it in my head everyday so far. I don't even dare to sit down and watch the whole thing. I do want to. Gay to love it but hey - go screw yourself for judging.

A midsummer's night

It's not actually the middle of Summer.

Last night/tonight night has to be hands down one of the worst nights of my life. I sat there starinf into 'emptiness' for the longest time. I was there but I wasn't!

I spent most of it, either trying to get drunk; and please let me iterate how damn hard I was trying, or in the process of finding and redirecting people to others; not that it was appreciated by most or anything.

It was cold on the way home - it rained. Freezing and bone cutting winds.

The only remote good that came out of it was my cab driver.

Let's see 6'3" remote indian descent and someone in great shape. Not your typical driver. Questions were exchanged and Commercial Road became a focal point, as was relationships - his 'girlfriend'. Every question he had seemed to head towards a particular direction.

I didn't mind; it was nice to have things about me for once - or again. Plus a cab ride, oddly enoughly 30 bucks cheaper...

Not that anything happened, of course.

Musilosophy

Music is a powerful emotive tool. Careful how you use it.

I hate the Veronicas and the Beatles.

I'm in quite a foul mood right now. More reasons than one but all thanks to certain individuals whom will always manage to suck the fun out of everything; or any sense of happiness as soon as they enter a room.

Obtuse

I honestly don't know anyone more obtuse. He is in my family - God, the horror.

As I look at him, readings and trying to comprehend a simple letter, mispronouncing and interpreting everything - I pray to God I am nothing like him. He was thick, thicker than anything he could imagine.

I'm pretty thick sometimes, it sad. I know it.

But I HATE it when people who are clearly indept think their a genius, or those people that ask for help but simply shune everything you tell them - thinking they know better. They believe themselves to truly pocess some third dimensional power of me - or that they at least should have this power. [Maybe I did learn something from that forsaken subject known as Organisation Behavior]

The irony being this is the same person!

You drive me up the wall!

Care Bear

I am going to stop caring.

AND stop seeking.

Dysfunction

There are honestly too many things that are simply dysfunctional.

One of the worse things about being dumped is the fact that you gain weight. It doesn't really matter how much of an impact the relationship has on you - you will get fatter. It's so sad. You might end up healthier and fitter on the otherside of it all but in the mean time, it's another pint of ice-cream; which I don't have in my house right but I seriously want one!

Here's a picture!



Another dysfunctional fact about me right now is my inability to study. I swear my talents of procrastinating have honestly reached an all time high. I have never wasted so much time in my life doing absolutely nothing. Well, nothing constructive anyway. I spent potentially hours upon hours research about cars. HOURS! I know nothing about them, but I keep reading and reading. All of which would be better suited to studying but nay.

I have also exhausted youtube to a certain extent. Sad

Thirdly, dysfunction comes in the form of a family dinner I just had. It wasn't the worse - but it does remind me as to why I hate them so much to begin with. It's always awkward for one. We don't talk for one thing and everything that does come out - is sort of forced and/or empty. My conversation with my sister ain't too bad though which is a relief. I'm actually kind of surprised how non-traumatic tonight's dinner was.

I need to leave the house at some point. It might not happen till my exam on Wednesday though. That would need I have not stepped actual sunlight since Friday night. Joy!

Changing torrents

These past few days have been weird. I have these absurd mood swings. It's not completely unexpected given the circumstances and characteristic of a few other things...

Anyway, it's just annoying how things link with other things. Vague; yes - but the context is not important right now. I think, I would like to think so anyway, people go through this for whatever reasons in given hectic situations and their thoughts become a mess.

Being at home - alone - this since Friday has probably led to my emotions just running how they please without the need for an exterior shield of some kind. No - really, I've haven't had face to face contact with another human being for more than 2 minutes since Saturday. Normally your forced to mingle and 'smile' in a social context whenever appropriate but I think at home, that kind of all goes to hell for most, if not everyone.

I think I've gone through everything emotionally except for relief and maybe joy, maybe. I mainly go through the e'motions' as dictated by my playlist - which I've been told is kind of depressing/angry with the occasional inspirational/uplifting song. I have laughed, even if briefly - mainly thanks to youtube.

Here "THE ULTIMATE DRUNK PEOPLE COMPILATION VIDEO EVER!!!"



and Here "Japanese Classroom Comedy"



Through procrastinating I have also come across other videos like

This was produced sometime in 2007. Kind of ironic now considering the pass of same sex marriage and now the likely YES on Proposition 8 to revoke that same right and retroactively annul 18,000 marriages in the state of California.

Anyway, here is the vid: "Human Right 004"



ETA: According to California State results ,currently it seems like a 52.5% in favour of Prop 8 versus 47.5% who voted No; separated by approximately half a million votes.

I've read somehow that may not be final due to absent ism and provisional ballots - or something, I don't get it considering it's a 100% count. Anyway, this is just sad for this day and age. It's one thing not to pass it, but to revoke something like this which had already been granted. Poor married people...

Yes, I'm also glad Obama won.

Procrastinating

This has been a major problem for me for a while now and I do mean a "while". I remember back in the days when homework just started to pile up - round about year 10 for me, that it became more than evident. I had always been a person that leave homework to the last minute - oddly its not a trait across everything I do - which is good.

PS I still feel like crap, like there is no end in sight - despite knowing perfectly well that this is not true.

I remember leave things to the night/s before for major 'projects' in year 7/8. Hey, I usually pulled it off by about 11pm and with an A too. Not bad, but you see, that's where it started, my realisation that I was capable of doing these things at the last minute.

Now, that led to the delay of my work further and further into the night and finishing earlier and earlier in the mornings [on the day it is due]. Though that being said, I can no longer maintain a proper standard.

So, these days it usually takes hours upon hours to get anything done - in the area of homework and many days nothing really happens.

I'm digging my own grave here! Exams are looming.

It's a serious problem! Any takers?

Dumped; more officially - in advance

The title says it all does it not. Though, I for one can't even comment on how incredibly fucked of a twist this has been.

What makes it so hard is the fact, I didn't think I would care.

I do.

I am so numb for words. People say all you can do in these situations is laugh.
I can barely do that.

and that was through this... "The most unfabulous social life of Ethan Green"



It was suppose to be funny. Moving, touching; yes. Ironic; no.

Lowest common denominator

All things inclusive, when it get to this level what the fuck you suppose to do?!

Fucking demoralized

1. Guys DO indeed possess the capacity to rationalize AND feel emotions.

2. Not ALL gays are sex obsessed maniacs/sluts.

This wouldn't have been the first time it's happened but today has been a new low. After a day, I was tired, my head ached, nose blocked, I was very much sick. I wanted to go Home. My train ran express - but there wasn't a connecting train to my station for quite sometime. Time to tram. I make a short detour along the way into a Borders. I pick up a magazine and begin flipping through the pages, just looking - not after anything in particular.

Now I'm sitting there minding my own business with my ipod clearly in both ears I might add AND here he comes and sits next to me. Not close but his within my periferral vision - which says a bit when your eyes are face down in a book. He does something for sometime, I didn't notice at the time but this guy was some old dude - mid 40s/50 even, white hair, half bold, overweight, thick glasses - dresses like a slob - essentially he IS a slob.

He clears his throat and says 'hi', I give him a half smile; being polite. I go back to reading. AND his staring at me! Just staring...

I knew what he wanted... sadly

I look at him again - again half smiling, I quite evidently "adjust" my earbuds and go back to reading. Was so NOT interest and just wanted to be fucking left alone!

He looks away and then back again. Ughh fuck! I try and ignore him and temporarily he leaves. Thank God I thought to myself and for a minute or two I was left alone in peace to just read.

BUT HE FUCKING CAME BACK! He rumages through his bag and then he turns slightly to me in an attempt to talk to me. I ignore him! I was SO FUCKING creeped out at this stage! I was uncomfortable and had kind of turn my back to him and he is still fucking starring, like WTF! My skin had literally began to crawl and I felt sick!

I felt demoralised and cheap, as if I was for rent!

The sleezebag was old and fucking ugly as all hell. Even, if he was YOUNG AND HOT [in which, I would have been momentarily flattered AND THEN FUCKING CREEPED OUT], I still would have ignored him! I was NOT fishing and I was NOT crusing! I JUST FELT SICK! I got up and walked away, almost left with the damnmagazine in my hand (I just left it at the beeper door thingy; just dropped it on the floor.)

I wasn't even on the best terms with my partner but I still called him, EVEN if he was at work. I was so disgusted! I felt dirty! It was beyond comprehension! FUCK!

I mean, WTF. What makes anyone think this that kind of behaviour is okay! The fuckwit essentially reduced me down to a rent boy!

A curious glance or two is fine, it's human nature. How else would you know if the person is interested. But when they clearly aren't then it's JUST FUCKED. BACK OFF!

Rocking the cradle

Okay, I am going to blog about 2 things. One about age gaps in relationships and the other; just about how much High School Musical pisses me off [I warn you now, I am going to rage - and quite unnecessarily].

I'm actually going to rant about HSM first. For fuck sakes, I have no idea but this whole enterprise just drives me up the wall. What the hell is wrong with Gen Z?! I have nothing against this new generation being born into the age of technology, it's a great joy! A world in which computers are fast and without kinks, portable music is in the Gigabytes and HD DVDs clearer than what our eyes are capable of distinguishing except in unnaturally clinical trials.

BUT WTF is with content. What the fuck is with the likes of High School Musical, Hannah Montanna [Strike that, I mean, Miley Cyrus], the Jonas Brothers and like the Cheetah Girls or whatever they're called.

These child actors are completely robbed of a natural childhood and pass on this shit resemblence of a life to those watching it. Zac Efron for example is frankly just fucked. This metrosexual has officially cross the threshold of what is considered acceptable. Clothes; they're good, he has the money and the a stylist to dress him, the Hair; tad overwork but otherwise you can't blame a guy for trying to look good. Here, the punch though, WTF is with the overly manscaped face and overapplication of concealer, foundation AND bronzer! He puts a drag queens to shame with the amount he has on - IS that even what he looks like?! Does he permanently just wear a thick 3 layer mask? The color reminds me of Al Pacino in his desperate attempts to convince the world he is hip and 'with it'.

Vanessa Hudgens can't sing to save her life and I think she is just permanently stuck at people saying "though you are very pretty!" Ashley Tisdale has a pathetic attempt to change the one thing that, despite looking horrid - made her unique, her nose; claiming the fix was to correct "septum deviation" which leads to breathing complication - whatever bitch. Monique Coleman who play Gabriella's best friend has literally 10 lines in HSM3, that's just sad!

Miley Cyrus, god what a mess for a 15 year old. Though, it would be nice if people just backed off her - yeah she has pictures of her kissing a friend, get over it. She has a picture of her semi-showing her bra; get over it. The Jonas Brother has vowed not to get laid till marriage. Evangelicals opposed to to homosexuality and abortion, a decision not based on free will but because GOD said so.

These kids all came from great talent, there is no denying that! I couldn't have done or accomplish what they have done and potentially will do. But I am criticizing what they have become! From, theatre and musical theatre to this ... crap! Disney might seem lame but it was well play, artistically written and diligently drawn and animated masterpieces. Yet, Generation Z drives this wagon of crap and spilling change from the hard worked dollars of Generation X.

HSM is based on Romeo and Juliet. It suppose to be an reinvention to spark kids of today's generation to care; but that is barely there! Barely. Take a look at West Side Story and Romeo + Juliet, they're masterpieces. Both relevant and omniscient reflection of the social context within their time: or The lion King, the portray of Hamlet.

---

This last bit about my experience with "rocking the cradle" [or more precisely being rocked] in it's more natural context as opposed to above is just here for my sake to talk about it before my relationship is over and done with.

Are age gaps that big of a deal in relationships? I know it becomes less weird as we get older to have relationships with people a whole lot younger or older. But what is okay? Mine being approximately 10 years the difference, I've heard anything from pedophilia, sugar/play toy to cradle robber etc play on words. It's as irritating as it is cute.

How do people deal with it? In a midst everything that makes a relationship difficult, you have to add in the different life stage each one is at, [Me = uni, They = Career], tastes and just plain life experience. I've so far come across permutations of 29 + 21, 28 + 22, 26 + 23 [that's not too bad], 31 + 21, 35 + 29.

In Hollywood, you have Hayden Panetierre [19] and Milo Ventimiiglia [31], and of course Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Doouglas, I think there is actual a perfect 25 years between them or something. That's a silver jubilee.

What do you consider okay? What do you think a real relationship can handle?

Superbug

I feel like I've been hit by a cricket bat and then more some. Ughhh, my heads hurts, my eyes are watery and my nose is stuff beyond stuff. Sore throat too - ughhh.

I know how I got it, but its so not important right now. I can at least calmly state, I was NOT at fault.

Work is almost done, I finish on Wednesday to "focus" - not the parenthesise - on my exam preparation which I am now in full panic mode. This time around 3 of my 4 exams are essay based and require me to write a concise and weel formulated answer within a given time frame. OMG! I haven't done anything like this since year 12, scratch that, year 11. My English sucked in year 12, it was ironically better in year 11.

Why, oh why! I have 3 due in a day. 2 actual exams, 1 in the morning and 1 in the afternoon, and an essay due at 5pm. FUN!

Why couldn't I be one of those kids that was just freakishly good at ballet, or music or design or something that was not examinable by a piece of paper. Like those kids I see everyday on my way to uni coming out from VCA or the Australian Ballet School. At least they love what they are doing. You can be interested in the subject you study but can you claim to love it?

In my opinion, paper based exams are the worst indicator of actual knowledge. It's a poor measure of all the unassessed knowledge and what is tested can be easily fake. Wrote memory - sure people call that learning, but is it really?! I mean, do these people actually remember or gain anything from the subject?

That's a rhetorical question by the way.

Okay, no cough medicine but 2 paracetamols later, I am ready for bed. On a full stomach of lard and havign not been to the gym.

Happy Tree Friends

A friend the other day mentioned something I kind of already knew. But the whole notion of it is kind of sad.

Most people meet via circumstance and a relationship potentially forms from that. However, a lot of the times, it is circumstantial. Would you actively seek them out if they went away? Changed uni, jobs etc etc. People just drift! Sometimes closer and sometimes further away.

I don't think we can protect ourselves from this. It's kind of disturbing - thinking your best friend or the like may be gone tomorrow.

Another questions also arise. Can you have more than 1 person fulfilling the role of 'best' friend. I honestly don't know but that term, whoever the hell coined it, is so awkward in modern day contexts. It would be nice if it were true but in light of 'above' can we take that for granted? Can we have any faith in that?

PS I'm being pre-dumped.

Chip

Today was a 'good' day.

I was however, insanely chipper! Not happy, though I am well aware of the 'happy'conatations the word chipper possesses. I say chipper more or less because a lot of things that i would normally feel, seemed absent.

It's like I was either supper upbeat or express no emotions whatsoever. There didn't seem to be room for thought or fluctuations of mood. Just one or the other.

It was probabaly attributed to drinking about 5 cans of V and 3 cups of coffee but heck, it didn't seem too bad. Ignorance is bliss but an experience not all indviduals can experience first hand, though I think I caught a taste of it.

It's nice!!

OCD

1. The gym is an uber homosexual place.

You can disagree if you want but that's just my opinion, I don't really have any like empirical evidence or anything. It's just what I think. It's like when I say Entourage is a guy's version of Sex and the City - story of a bunch of guy's sexual conquests, money, careers, relationships and their friendship. I told a friend this the other day and it's funny how stunned he was, defensive and almost as if he was suddenly in a position where he had to prove something hehehe.

A guy on a neighboring table overheard and chuckled. He totally agreed with me, claiming he watched both (in a comfortable and un-emasculated manner - I don't think that is a word btw, anyway...) Damn it! I probably should have talked to him a bit more! Gah

What was I on about again? Yeah, um gym = gay. Not that I mind - cause you know, I'm open minded haha

2. Going to the gym is so tedious.

I can't express my lack of progress; especially in contrast to energy input. Though I have to admit I have been able to eat more without a huge detrimental effect. Though I wish the scale would stop creeping up. Guy my weight are so much buffer - which kind of just indicate my massive body fat levels. Kind of depressing really.

Not only do you have watch for technique, which ironically turns it almost into an Art form - I mean, it has 'technique'; you also have to monitor load and reps and know when its time to overload. It's all very strategic, to build body mass without looking bulky is a relative decent timeframe. Lean muscle is nice but it'll be a really really long time coming if you intend to start that way. Maybe if you got bulk and then slow it down to tone it further... I don't know. I'm obviously no expert.

And finally damn body fat! Oh and you have the matter of keeping things symmetrical. I've said this before and I'll say it again - girls have it so much easier in this respect. How come celebrities can drop like 8967438609 pounds and tone up in like 6 weeks. Even with a trainer and a dietion - wtf, I don't even think I can handle it mentally let alone physically.

3. I've been relationship advoidant

I think it's been a good 4 days since I've actually dealt with my relationship problems, face-to-face. I'm just so unsettled by the whole thing. I don't particularly know how to feel. Am I suppose to be upset, angry, indifferent?! I always begin by fuming and then it results in absolute resentment and finally
'emo' followed by a general sense of being... kind of lost. Like in the moronic sense. This is probably what makes me a 'marshmallow'

I think admist everything it's the fact that I care that jumps out at me. I never, honest to god, thought it would make such an impact. We never did anything major, as the rest of world reminded me every now and then "ahh the honeymoon phase". Again, I'm just now lost for words.

4. Blackberry email gives me time to blog on my long journey home

Finally a productive outlet! Good considering, I can't read whilst moving.

Emotional states

I'm curious - how many emotional states does one feel in a day. I'm not talking the exterior facade that you put on for others or where you hide those minor inklings of annoyance or anger. Seriously everything!

Essentially every thought is fueled by some sort of emotion - am I right? Sure to varying degrees but even if we count only the ones that leave a, more or less, conscious imprint in our minds we would get a least a good dozen or two. That's an emotional rollercoaster!

Is this just me?

I mean I don't think we can write off as an adolescent phase - can we? Are we suppose to be more emotionally resilient, indifferent and aloof inside as we get older? Is that a part of what it means to grow up? To let rationality rule with a steel fist?

I say all this cause there have been so many things I just wanted to blog about throughout the day. Documenting what is essentially my life - but I can't. I can't just drop everything and do that. I can now - but that's just handy.

The last thing I felt was angry, resentment and wounded. In that order... It's too much... I can't type that fast! I'm actually getting cut and sore as I write this... Ughh...

Broken hearted

I'm sitting here typing on my blackberry, waiting for the damn tram and freezing myself in the meantime. I honestly can't express how much I hate public transport! I want to drive - I do! It's just kind of hard to learn when 1/ you don't have an auto car to practice in and 2/ no one to supervise me...

Anyway, after a certain phone call I wonder how people in close relationships actually work together - whether that be friendship or the more intimate kind. My boss and his wife are the epitome of what it is like to strike the perfect balance. Both capable of working and living together. But that's one in a million! I don't know how they do it but they do! Oh I almost forgot my ballet teachers are the same. Geez, they're different though - ha look at that.

Actually even as I'm typing this I wonder if maybe it's just me. From an entirely emotionally removed perspective I've been known to be notoriously complicated, confusing, annoying and well anything off the top of your head when you think; me.

Okay new perspective - I'm socially retarded and completely incapable of being truly happy. So where does that leave me? Do I play the blame game - neglect? Domineering parents? Bad social circle or the lack of? What? Change?

I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. With over 6 billion people on this planet, I wish I could peak into the mind of any to see if anything I thought or felt resembled normality in the minds of others. Or conversely someone saw the world exactly the way I do.

People say we'll cross that bridge when we come to it; but I can see it! And it's nothing like what I imagined it to be. All of this is getting further and further from what I wanted to say. Typical. Anyway you would think he'd be there to catch you when you fall...

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

Leaves

I'm back and this time I'm going to be writing in the normal first person. The removed version is nice but CBF. It takes a lot to write, especially when your just trying to vent or simply be emo over something. Trying to be artistic at the same time, kind of kills the mood altogether - I just end up frustrated at the blog in addition to whatever I was going to say.

Anyway, how have I been... Hmm, I don't know how to answer that perfectly.

My partner told me I was too, a marshmellow. Essentially pretty on the outside but compeltely void of all substance - 'soft' and 'shallow' on the inside. Don't get me wrong, I get the fact I'm not the brightest person around. My uni life reminds me of that on a constant basis, which by the way, has literally reduced me to rubble - acedemiea was my all at one stage and I don't have that anymore. My grades have got progressively worse and despite how much I try and/or [yes, and/or] procrastinate - their not picking up. To hear it from that person of all people, it's taken me, lets see; about a good 2 and a half years to see that my worth isn't what people say I am, or something that they can point to. Yet, that one statement had cut right through me.

Not everyone can graduate 3rd in their year, be pretty on the outside and possess the soul of an artist! Like, Hello! Don't you plan on changing careers - anyway...

On a more positive note, I am now in possession of one Blackberry Bold, which I have to admit is a sweet phone/PDA/etc - though it did cost me my old number. Whatever, the point is, I never actually realise how many emails I receive. They're not necessarily all emails in which I care about but there is a lot! The QWERTY keyboard is super convinient and the other day, I think it was only about 3 days after I got my BB, I picked up my Sony Ericssion and I literally stared at the keys for a good minute or two before I remembered how to type numbers in a text message.

I picked up some books on Friday. One of those 'Histories Stories' - Greatest Scandals, and Worst Decisions. They remind me, I love to read. Knowledge for the sake of knowledge. Things; uncomplicated. Perhaps they'll help me focus for the coming exams - I've reminded myself to begin revision on numerous occassion which I haven't done. Maybe tonight; Maybe... I love that word.

There's more... there's always more but, I think, I'm okay for now.

Laws of physics

In physics, the law of conservation of energy states that the total amount of energy in any isolated system remains constant but cannot be recreated, although it may change forms, e.g. friction turns kinetic energy into thermal energy... In short, the law of conservation of energy states that energy can not be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another or transferred from one body to another, but the total amount of energy remains constant (the same).

You ever notice something that bugged you - annoyed the hell out of you. I'm talking about one of those slow gradual processes that ate into your conscience in its own intricately slow and calculated manner. It was most likely your own fault but could it helped?

Once you notice it, you see - it is there. There is no escape and ones own neuroticism feeds it. Your own thoughts, the driving stick to your own malevolence. The more you think about it, the bigger the problem appears, nay - will be. But once again, the question arises - can this be helped?

The answer - may appear simple. 'Sure! Your own contempt for the situation is the sole source of your own frustration. Mentally make peace with it and you too will be at peace. We're nothing but a grain of sand on a beach..."

That, may be true, but it doesn't sound fully human. We're imperfect. I'm imperfect... stupid and all encompassing.

Dysthymia

Cleaning the last dish was also the biggest chore. Placing the last of it, I washed my hands free of the grime and oil. Dirty...

Looking at the trash - the waste, I felt sick.

My mind wondered - it always did. The usual haunts.

A means to an End

Last week was bland and in many respects, it had plain sucked. Everything signifying nothing. [I had several entries lined up but it was the genius of blogger that perhaps it would be fun to recode these words into some illiterate script of 1 and 0 and other means of computer markup 'it' understood.]

Moments came and went but overall, it was a mutual understanding between life and myself that I would attempt, nay - bare the brute of it all, and cruise through as quickly as possible.

Like an MasterCard ad, I could count the moments - the good and the bad. I smiled politely but at the end of the day, the one I thing I was not comfortable with or in was my own skin - my life as a whole.

Am I just winning about the challenges of everyday life? Most likely.

Contemplative, a week on fast forward - Parentals. Uni. Work. Gym. Food. Tiffany & Co. Money. Housing. Him. Her. They.

Part-ey hard-ey [I think you need to add a wooho] Woohoo!

The website is a mess. A piles of burning rubble of what once was and could have been. Though this were only from the eyes of an Eurasian poorly trained in Chinese - my proficiency, low. Very low. Though one would think amongst its varied clientele the website would be accessible to Australians or an 'abc' (as I was to be known by the girl behind the front desk). I managed to book it anyway - in person - and though the staff weren't very proficient in the 'English' language, they smiled and we managed!

-

Walking down Lygon St, just before the rush hour of dinner can be a daunting experience! Shop owners rush to your side as each attempt to beguile you into their tiny Italian restaurant. Specials they list meticulously or perhaps a discount offered on food or drinks. You glance around, searching for affirmation in someone's eyes. Nothing... And you judge - not by the merit of the deals themselves but the interior design. Probably not the best choice but what else is one to do. It usually all works out mighty fine in the end though - its Lygon, exceptions aside one can't really go wrong.

Gifts; they were beyond sufficient. Her gift exceeding my expectations, it was obvious a clear train of thought had been place into them - and it was the thought itself that touched me. It was far-reaching, heart warming.

-

Karaoke wasn't something I did often - nor most people for that matter. But the night was an experience that burns memorably regardless how I look at it. Alcohol, food and some incredibly outdated songs - 'material' compared to the people the time was spent with. The atmosphere electric and despite the cosiness of the room itself, it was alive and well.

A str-ay

Magazine rack at Borders. As much cruising of 'talent' both on and off the page.
You sit and you read. The eye catches a passing figure. And in that brief moment you passively judge. It's second nature - instinctive.

Your eyes fall back onto the page.

-

Editorial for thought.

What If You Only Thought You Were Gay?
For some men, the trouble starts when they realize they're actually straight. - By Anna David, Deatils Magazine.

In the early nineties, Dan Rothenberg was having a gay old time—literally. A rising comedian in San Francisco, he spent his nights at clubs in the Castro, where he discovered, to his surprise, that he was "a bit of a boy magnet." Rothenberg, then in his early twenties, was for pretty much the first time in his life finding hooking up with people easy. A regular at the Stud's disco night, he was known for starting off his routine at local comedy clubs by saying "I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don't like coffee." Fifteen years later, he sits outside a West Hollywood Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf reminiscing with a woman about his days as an out-and-proud gay man. The woman happens to be his wife.

Rothenberg and Colleen Crabtree, both 35, met seven years ago. Five or so years before that, Rothenberg was paralyzed by fear over the realization that he wasn't actually gay. Although it took about a year to admit to himself that his Castro days were over, one incident stands out. "I happened to see a female friend getting dressed," he says. "I remember watching her and thinking 'There's no way words can describe how much I want that."

Read more here

Existence of God

Either a God so conceived exists or does not exist.
But if he does not exist, that cannot be just a contingent matter – ie ‘he might have existed, it is just that in fact he does not’ – b/c that would make his existence also a contingent matter. But then this would not be the God we had conceived of, since his existence is necessary.
So if such a God does not exist, his non-existence must be necessary, which means it is impossible he should exist.
But there is no reason for thinking his existence is impossible.
The only alternative is that he exists (necessarily).

Tute Exercise 3

Is belief in God a matter of faith or of reason, or of both? 200 words, to be submitted at your tutorial in Week 5 (week Beginning Monday 25th August)

Other quarter?

6:25pm.

AND she's late. Nothing surprising really, but I was hungry. I'd been up since what I called the wee hours of 7:25AM and it'd been a good 11hours.

I sat, I waited; staring catatonically at the city lights that laid before me. Strange how such a vision can be seen from campus. But there it was! The hub of metropolitan Melbourne. A sigh, but all that could be heard was a cough. I wanted to move and not anywhere, somewhere out there!

6:26pm.

AND there she was! A smile. WHAT the HELL is she? She wasn't my better half. That I have no doubt! But she made the day easier to bare and hours past... she's like that second last piece of the puzzle.

Its still incomplete though...

I await the last.

Late night shopping after gymming

It funny how you feel after doing an hours class of 'TRI-ATHLETIC'. It felt like aerobics to me. Though I'm sure, the names there for a reason. I mean - where would you rather be?

I didn't bother changing afterwards, though I rushed back to the change rooms all the same. I worry - its what I do! My stuff was still there, ALL of it this time - good, good. It was packed. Many swimmers and/or regular gym rats and I waited my turn... I threw on my hoodie and the branding stared back at me, and I sinked JUST a little bit...

The iPod proved quick comfort as I blasted the music way up - some American band that most people have probably never heard of. I was thirsty and it looked like a quick trip to Coles before the train.

-

I scanned the shelves. No sugarfree V to be found... and THERE! They went pass me, even amongst the crowd - my eyes followed. Moving on, I mentally debated the pros and cons of a sugar hit after behaving like an idiot for an hour - they call that a workout? Indifferent, mizone was the end champion at 1.70 a bottle.

I lined up and in front of me...

They bought 2 cartons of soy milk, 2 diet cokes, a pack of pasta and a tub of low fat yogurt.

It'd been obvious they had just come from the gym. Though oddly, the duo was all suited up. You wouldn't have known if it weren't for that hair - it was wet and pushed back - maybe it was sweat.

Then that one person in all the world popped back into my head.

I ponder the possibilities; and during that split second the world stalls, an experience all too familiar. Though honestly before, I or anyone can really gather their thoughts, everything is just as it seems.

"Next please!"

And I've just hit a new low.


2 people will get this - maybe.