Genetics

Are we doomed to live out the life of our parents?!

For most of us, we don't ever want to be our parents. However, genetics they make up the core of our being. In childhood, they shaped our personalities, fears, and weird quirks. Even with my own minimal exposure to my parents I do understand that I've picked up certain less than desirable qualities from them. Ironically the bad from both sides...

I always end up arguing with them whenever we meet. I am so sick of this. Shouldn't they be a source of comfort and love... No.....

It's like a horrible nightmare! 

Body Image

I'm not sure if I have a body image problem or whether or not my issues with my overall body are warranted given that I want to dance.

My overall skeletal looseness and lack of strength I can somewhat deal with. It's a matter of getting stronger. However what I don't understand is why I struggle so much. I don't see any muscles definition, everything is just round. ROUND!!!

Ballet is about lines and I have roundness. I have to say the inevitable words. FML. 

So, what about dieting. However, this leaves me even weaker!! To improve I need fuel, which if you want to diet, you can't. Throw in the gym and etc etc etc. Again. FML

Hey look, I'm some kind of moronic hipster. I should type like tis kewl ey?

Money & Power

My serious lack of will power pisses me off.
I find it a matter of constant discouragement and disappointment - which is ironic given that it then becomes a strong demotivation.

My latest Credit Card bill has also, and my goodness.
I am f*cked.

I didn't head into ballet like I wanted to either today which is a bit ajbgvacbgsd and quite naturally I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. Must stop.

Double back

It would appear I am giving this thing another shot.
Along with a bunch of other things I am trying to get organised. I think in life everything is always in a constant disarray and mediocrity that only in death shall we endure a moment of peace. Morbid much? 
I think the last time I was here it was much the same.
Housing, in the process of sorting.
Uni? Piece of paper which proposes sub-standard income guarantee, errrrm. Where's that assignment go?
Pursuit of idyllic child-like dreams, Ballet, Ummm, I must say reality is really kicking its ass... MUST FIGHT ....BACK
Money? What money, I don't owe you any money?!?! ]
Unemployment - I mean work!! Well, they say unemployment is down. Which makes sense because I can't find a job anywhere, everyone must be already employed :/
Relationship - I have one which myself, Me Gusta. lol Forever Along.

Funsucker

Funsuckers: individuals who are capable of sucking all the fun/happiness out of a room simply by being present or even nearby.

Someone who you avoid at cost because they are also heavily ignorant of how much people dispises them.

Individuals who just don't get it; individuals who can't seem to ever function normally on a social/any level.

Even on Valentine's Day/ Chinese New Years Eve, when everything else has been so perfectly fun/good...

People I hate.

My father.

FUCK YOU!

Fuck you...

Average letdowns

I think people by nature can just let you down.

It can come at any moment in time (and this can be anyone, the person your in a relationship with, friends or family etc.) and a lot of the time it's not because they have done anything in particular but its something within their personality which just doesn't click with you. They go about doing/saying something, or not doing something, which invariably you don't understand as to why they have said that or why thay have made that/those choice/s... Thus, a clash in viewpoints/perspectives/personality (whatever you want to call it) occurs and they, from your perspective, they have disappointed you/pissed you off etc...

Am I making any sense? I hope I am... I'm not saying this to rage or to whine - but it was just a thought that came to me. Afterall, no one sensible in their right mind goes out of their way to annoy or disappoint those around them, right? Unless they had some weird evil vengeance thing going for them...

Anyway, I thought it was enlightening.

Proactive solution - we're not talking about the ad here...

I am trying to be more proactive. Now and more generally for the rest of the year/life :)

I'm going to take greater initiative in my studies when they do roll around sometime in March. I use to be quite an industrious individual if I say so myself (wankerish boasting), and I know I can be that person again. Afterall, it's that, that gets results... we're all been told its not necessarily talent but the hours and dedication you put into what you do.

Starting this already, I'm being more proactive in my ballet. Taking more notes, which are in many ways quite time consuming but I'm hoping this is only a temporary set back as I'm not yet use to writing down dance notations. But I can do it, I have and I will.

In addition, I'm going to find more time to spend it with my good friends. Given the fact that I have now recently acquired an extra hour from changing dance schools, give or take. I'm going to call up the people I want to meet up with, make a time and go hang out with them... even if this means meeting with them in 3/4 weeks time, it's still going to be much more frequent than compared to what I use to do.

On another note, being proactive in my opinion also means understanding certain limits. They must be set/recognised for/in oneself. More specifically, I'm setting a time limit on how long I am going to be emotionally driven to invest in situation no. 3 (see previous post). Though everything has been quite nice - it seems to have come to halt recently. I'm not hugely upset about this (reasons also given previous post). But to play the game, I'm going to be a bit more passive so they can make more of the first moves... That being said, I am still invested so sometimes I do take the first shot in contacting them. This will continue till a bit past Feb 14th - Valentines Day (It's 2 Sundays away), after which point I am going to let it go - to be handled by them/greater power (blah blah blah, whatever that may be)

All this does sound very nice. I am very much hoping its not a "thing" I simply have for tonight.

BIG LAME SMILEY FACE.

Situation No. (3) Three

Whoa - the month is nearly over and its hard to believe the first month of 2010 has nearly come and gone.

Funny that. It seemed like just yesterday I was so bitter.

The story since then has been odd but interesting and also a life long lesson I probably needed to learn.

There are so many people in this world. You can have almost any type of relationship with anyone.

Sounds vague, but my point being in one situation you may be the one chasing someone who is clearly (in retrospect) emotionally unavailable. You obviously like them more than they like you... It just takes a while for your thick skull to comes to terms with that. So, you sit and you worry, and you wait... and wait... You keep chasing; you become quite annoying, if not very annoying.

For me, that was situation number one. The result of which was a lot of bitterness... (none of which they probably cared about.)

After a while though, I decided I simply needed some validation and clearly nothing says that like an average date with someone you have no particular interest in or interests with. THEN driving from Melbourne to Portsea for some well needed, R&R, alone by the sea. It was such an amazing experience whereby things came into perspective and I couldn't help but smile... it was exactly what I needed.

However it was only a couple of days later in which I would see that entire situation play out in reverse.

Leading to situation number two, whereby your the one being chased. You feel completely validated but it turns out, that person, clearly likes you more than you like them. You've overshot. You clearly see your own mistakes from the otherside... it's unexpectedly horrid, they get quite needy, and they get very annoying.

Situation number two, left me reeling - I SO don't need to go there ever again. And the result was a lot of bitterness on their part... (this time, none of which I care about.)

I was incredibly put off...

As luck would have it though... there was situation number three. And it stands that you find yourself, very hopefully, somewhere in middle. It seemed like a breathe of fresh air (your friends have good insight - and you pray they are right). You've made mistakes and you've (hopefully) learned, and your put to the test. After some very deep yet light hearted discussions (oxymoron anyone?) discerning your past, you come to discover, it so happens your on neither side of the extremities - or so it appears thus far. There seems to be an equal amount of push and pull at all the right emotional levels...

...And that makes three. I find all this incredibly interesting to say the least. If there is such a thing as fate, it's cruel and plays funny jokes alright. If there isn't, then I can clearly claim even though it has been rough, I have learned to enjoy these oddly set of coincidences. Lessons have been learnt...

I say this often, but its often with a pre-determined feeling or emotional charge. Not this time, I say it with what I believe, greater purity, outside of pre-determined expectations and emotional charges... only time will tell.

Jaded

I'm so bitter right now...

Summer days

So Summer is now here and it's been 3 weeks since I last updated.

The ballet production is now over and I am beyond relieved! It went alright (a word I've been accused of saying way too much and applying to an array of actual feelings). Overall, I was happy with it but I think I'm still in greater awe that's its over - that perhaps, somehow all of 'it' [refer to previous post) is worth it. I've been told its an emotional rollercoaster... I wish it wasn't though.

I think I'm more or less going back next year and perhaps that may stem purely out of my own lazy to make a change about it. Either changing school or the other hard decision as to "Why the hell am I doing this?" (Another friend told me that this mental block comes to everyone who dances full-time at some point or another). My teachers have claimed I've made a great deal of progress, which I am glad about. However, it's not the type of progress I am seen in my own body which greatly irritates me so.

I've also been told to stop being so negative for she claimed I have a pessimistic streak about me which could be potentially damaging in the further when I enter the 'professional world'. I find it ironic though this comes from a woman whom demands perfection; she claims we need to invest greater thought into what we do. In addition, it's same woman who claims we need to feel our body, outside of thought. A great dichotomy in my opinion. Whatever... I've taken the note up and discarded some of her discrepencies, I've come to understand she would say basically anything to try and prove a point... I like the way I think and approach my dancing - without it, I don't think I would have progressed to where I am today. It's not the same approach a typical artist such as herself might use but I still like it.

What else is new...

OH, I've become extremely pasty due to the lack of sun with ballet and all. And I'm actually really looking forward to this summer. I want to get an all over tan but have yet to figure out a discrete way of doing so. I've started to tan quite nice and lightly on the arms and shoulder due all the times I'm in a tank-top but I don't want a farmer tan.

Right, I've also been seeing a certain landscaper again. Only twice though and of course, no progress other than mere confusion on my part. They want to make the trip and drive up to Mildura or something and then onto Sydney to visit some friends... They made the offer while we were out drinking "You can come if you want". I kind of want to go with them. We'll see...

What else...

The man I call my father has also been going at me again for no reason. Since I finish ballet - which was... let's see last Saturday, he's been on another banter on how I'm aimless and without purpose in my life. Consistently and quite condescending asking me what it is I'm going to with it and whether or not I'm ever going to get gainful employment (somehow despite my hours). He did this right after I finish my uni exam... He's just been a massive pr!@k lately to say the least. My sister agrees. He goes through his cycles... such an angry person; suck the fun out of everything.