Battered & confused

A fortnight ago I thought it funny that the week had pasted so quickly without me realising it and here I am now, finding time crawling to a halt as I count down the days till Dec 13th.

I've finally entered official rehearsal mode at ballet and being given the 'privilege' of a principal role the ballet director has really been drilling into me, as well as everyone else.

For those of you in know as to what the ballet world entails. The constant screaming and yelling during these intense rehearsal periods would come as no surpise. Even when the speeches themselves become no longer inspiration and turn into something rather synical, arrogant and demoralizing. Comments ranging from pure insults of no constructive value, to those referring the apparent fat-ness of everyone in the room weighing more than 46kg. Questions which derrogatory insinuate we're drugs, with others which simply leave us hyperventilating and drives to us to have a panic attack or cry either during/before/after rehearsals seem to all have its place.

What's odd for me, is that everyone else seems to bounce right back from all of this. Of course, they sulk momentarily on it when its happening, they all seem to come out the other end rather unscathed. This is mostly thanks to the emotional resilience they've all seem to have accumulated from their years of training. I on the other hand seem to experience bouts of insomnia and panic attacks here and there right throughout the day.

I don't have that the same emotional strength that these dancers seem to demonstrate.

And I wonder if I'm cut out for this world considering I've entered it so late.

I have other options, and that actually makes the whole experience so different in itself. If you were treated in such a way in the outside world, you would no doubt change jobs, if not demand compensation. I have uni and I have my degree, a lot of them don't have that - meaning leaving ballet would leave them completely empty handed with nothing to show for it in the 'real' world. That in a way makes it hard for them to quit doesn't it?

For me personally as well, Ballet has always been a positive experience that was purely my own. I did it to relax and feel better as an individual - it was my mine. It was the things that made me happy - yet now, 2 years down the track it seems to be the cause of a lot of my stress and anxiety and I'm not sure if I want that...

I'm not longer sure if I want this as a dream if the ballet world is going to cause me nothing but where I was before I left high school. Miserable and depressed [oh and poor as well].

But I've been told the 'real' ballet world itself is different. Having only been doing this for so long... I don't know what to believe anymore and its left me in limbo.