Situation No. (3) Three

Whoa - the month is nearly over and its hard to believe the first month of 2010 has nearly come and gone.

Funny that. It seemed like just yesterday I was so bitter.

The story since then has been odd but interesting and also a life long lesson I probably needed to learn.

There are so many people in this world. You can have almost any type of relationship with anyone.

Sounds vague, but my point being in one situation you may be the one chasing someone who is clearly (in retrospect) emotionally unavailable. You obviously like them more than they like you... It just takes a while for your thick skull to comes to terms with that. So, you sit and you worry, and you wait... and wait... You keep chasing; you become quite annoying, if not very annoying.

For me, that was situation number one. The result of which was a lot of bitterness... (none of which they probably cared about.)

After a while though, I decided I simply needed some validation and clearly nothing says that like an average date with someone you have no particular interest in or interests with. THEN driving from Melbourne to Portsea for some well needed, R&R, alone by the sea. It was such an amazing experience whereby things came into perspective and I couldn't help but smile... it was exactly what I needed.

However it was only a couple of days later in which I would see that entire situation play out in reverse.

Leading to situation number two, whereby your the one being chased. You feel completely validated but it turns out, that person, clearly likes you more than you like them. You've overshot. You clearly see your own mistakes from the otherside... it's unexpectedly horrid, they get quite needy, and they get very annoying.

Situation number two, left me reeling - I SO don't need to go there ever again. And the result was a lot of bitterness on their part... (this time, none of which I care about.)

I was incredibly put off...

As luck would have it though... there was situation number three. And it stands that you find yourself, very hopefully, somewhere in middle. It seemed like a breathe of fresh air (your friends have good insight - and you pray they are right). You've made mistakes and you've (hopefully) learned, and your put to the test. After some very deep yet light hearted discussions (oxymoron anyone?) discerning your past, you come to discover, it so happens your on neither side of the extremities - or so it appears thus far. There seems to be an equal amount of push and pull at all the right emotional levels...

...And that makes three. I find all this incredibly interesting to say the least. If there is such a thing as fate, it's cruel and plays funny jokes alright. If there isn't, then I can clearly claim even though it has been rough, I have learned to enjoy these oddly set of coincidences. Lessons have been learnt...

I say this often, but its often with a pre-determined feeling or emotional charge. Not this time, I say it with what I believe, greater purity, outside of pre-determined expectations and emotional charges... only time will tell.

Jaded

I'm so bitter right now...

Summer days

So Summer is now here and it's been 3 weeks since I last updated.

The ballet production is now over and I am beyond relieved! It went alright (a word I've been accused of saying way too much and applying to an array of actual feelings). Overall, I was happy with it but I think I'm still in greater awe that's its over - that perhaps, somehow all of 'it' [refer to previous post) is worth it. I've been told its an emotional rollercoaster... I wish it wasn't though.

I think I'm more or less going back next year and perhaps that may stem purely out of my own lazy to make a change about it. Either changing school or the other hard decision as to "Why the hell am I doing this?" (Another friend told me that this mental block comes to everyone who dances full-time at some point or another). My teachers have claimed I've made a great deal of progress, which I am glad about. However, it's not the type of progress I am seen in my own body which greatly irritates me so.

I've also been told to stop being so negative for she claimed I have a pessimistic streak about me which could be potentially damaging in the further when I enter the 'professional world'. I find it ironic though this comes from a woman whom demands perfection; she claims we need to invest greater thought into what we do. In addition, it's same woman who claims we need to feel our body, outside of thought. A great dichotomy in my opinion. Whatever... I've taken the note up and discarded some of her discrepencies, I've come to understand she would say basically anything to try and prove a point... I like the way I think and approach my dancing - without it, I don't think I would have progressed to where I am today. It's not the same approach a typical artist such as herself might use but I still like it.

What else is new...

OH, I've become extremely pasty due to the lack of sun with ballet and all. And I'm actually really looking forward to this summer. I want to get an all over tan but have yet to figure out a discrete way of doing so. I've started to tan quite nice and lightly on the arms and shoulder due all the times I'm in a tank-top but I don't want a farmer tan.

Right, I've also been seeing a certain landscaper again. Only twice though and of course, no progress other than mere confusion on my part. They want to make the trip and drive up to Mildura or something and then onto Sydney to visit some friends... They made the offer while we were out drinking "You can come if you want". I kind of want to go with them. We'll see...

What else...

The man I call my father has also been going at me again for no reason. Since I finish ballet - which was... let's see last Saturday, he's been on another banter on how I'm aimless and without purpose in my life. Consistently and quite condescending asking me what it is I'm going to with it and whether or not I'm ever going to get gainful employment (somehow despite my hours). He did this right after I finish my uni exam... He's just been a massive pr!@k lately to say the least. My sister agrees. He goes through his cycles... such an angry person; suck the fun out of everything.

Battered & confused

A fortnight ago I thought it funny that the week had pasted so quickly without me realising it and here I am now, finding time crawling to a halt as I count down the days till Dec 13th.

I've finally entered official rehearsal mode at ballet and being given the 'privilege' of a principal role the ballet director has really been drilling into me, as well as everyone else.

For those of you in know as to what the ballet world entails. The constant screaming and yelling during these intense rehearsal periods would come as no surpise. Even when the speeches themselves become no longer inspiration and turn into something rather synical, arrogant and demoralizing. Comments ranging from pure insults of no constructive value, to those referring the apparent fat-ness of everyone in the room weighing more than 46kg. Questions which derrogatory insinuate we're drugs, with others which simply leave us hyperventilating and drives to us to have a panic attack or cry either during/before/after rehearsals seem to all have its place.

What's odd for me, is that everyone else seems to bounce right back from all of this. Of course, they sulk momentarily on it when its happening, they all seem to come out the other end rather unscathed. This is mostly thanks to the emotional resilience they've all seem to have accumulated from their years of training. I on the other hand seem to experience bouts of insomnia and panic attacks here and there right throughout the day.

I don't have that the same emotional strength that these dancers seem to demonstrate.

And I wonder if I'm cut out for this world considering I've entered it so late.

I have other options, and that actually makes the whole experience so different in itself. If you were treated in such a way in the outside world, you would no doubt change jobs, if not demand compensation. I have uni and I have my degree, a lot of them don't have that - meaning leaving ballet would leave them completely empty handed with nothing to show for it in the 'real' world. That in a way makes it hard for them to quit doesn't it?

For me personally as well, Ballet has always been a positive experience that was purely my own. I did it to relax and feel better as an individual - it was my mine. It was the things that made me happy - yet now, 2 years down the track it seems to be the cause of a lot of my stress and anxiety and I'm not sure if I want that...

I'm not longer sure if I want this as a dream if the ballet world is going to cause me nothing but where I was before I left high school. Miserable and depressed [oh and poor as well].

But I've been told the 'real' ballet world itself is different. Having only been doing this for so long... I don't know what to believe anymore and its left me in limbo.

Acceptable mediocrity

Since last week, everything has been just plain dandy. Nothing has really happened...

I've been following my normal routine, omitting instances to the gym here and there but otherwise just going about my normal week.

I was kind of actually kind of surprise how quickly the week has passed. But then again, we had a long weekend due to Melbourne Cup; but even so...

So I wonder, what do I make or should I make of this observed time flux when everything is just mediocre?

When your having fun - time should pass quickly. You feel like you'd done so much in such a short period. When things are bad, time seems to stall and every other second long and painful.

But I've done nothing... so why did the week seem to just go? Was because it was SO average, without anything momentous to signpost distinctive periods everything just bends into itself?

Emotional limit

I'm done.

And with that in mind I am going to mentally say f@cK you and move on... I'm not going to delete you from my phone book or write you out of my life as though you never existed...

I'm simply just not going invest my feelings or my energy...

I believed I tried.

I'm going back onto the track I was travelling down before you came along. Gym and all.

Bad madness

Why are we addicted to the things that are bad for us? Really? Why is it we enjoy things that we knowing accept are just that - BAD?

Is this some kind of reverse psychology our own mind plays on us?

I'm still waiting...

Why?

I feel like I'm simply floating and there's nothing to ground me.

Skating on thin ice

I'm running circles around myself... and I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt - again.

Are you doing this out of fear?
What do you mean?
Well think about...

I find myself skating on emotionally thin ice; and I know it. But maybe it is fear, I can't help but try. I don't want to sit on the sidelines anymore...

Our problem

Everyone has problems. That's the bottom line and I think every now then, we definitely need to remind ourselves of this.

I can get pretty caught up in my own world sometimes, and I think it is definitely something I should do more often.

Not only does it make my issues look like another miniture speck of sand on the beach, but the whole process of talking it out with another individual whom genuinely wants to hear about it and shed some light on the matter is a truly amazing experience! I mean, they are willing to take some time out of their lives to help you with something that has no relation to them - even though they may have issues of a similiar nature.

Even when your stress eating it doesn't seem so bad...

It like sitting there starring out to sea. It's not to say we're insignificant, merely that in the greater context of things... relax... breathe...

I finish ballet class early today and that's exactly what I did with an old friend whom I had not seen in a long time. It these reasons why I always emphasize how much I truly value my friends.

Whether I believe what I am saying if course another matter... but at least I know it is true.

And that makes three...

You would think a person's intentions becomes clear after some time. You figure in some context or another, you would come to grasp some sort of normality and understand; relate.

With nearly everyone describing themselves as genuine and down-to-earth, does this even leave us with a basis for comparison anymore. What does it actually say about a person's character?

I SO sick of hearing those characteristics! Frankly, in my opinion, you can be genuine and down-to-earth and still be a wanker all at the same time. They're just too broad of a characteristic to be useful.

For those of you who have seen it. The so called comedy that was based on the so claimed best seller He's just not that into you was a horrid.



I recall watching the whole thing with my both my hand covering my mouth, almost in shock. I also recall it released on Feb 14th - Valentine's Day and frankly, despite the record number of ticket sales, it was an awful choice for numerous couples to go see.

Why do I bring it up? Because the movie has so many basis in reality and that's what I found disturbing...

I had long promised myself, I would stop seeking and literally do nothing, initiate nothing. Yet, despite doing so for so long, I found it non-effective (Not, not-effective); my point being it did nothing. I was OK (what the fuck does that word even mean!), I could even happily hang in the presence of other couples - no problems.

But just of late something just didn't sit right...

I just want to be clear on what's going on!