Did I just screw up?

You know those talks you have with your parent?

Usually they begin innocently enough, your talking about some random crap that in all honesty has no real relevance to everyday life and then BHAM! It's suddenly a lecture on social etiquette

... I don't think I have ever actual heard them, in the sense of actually listening.

The last one was quite interesting. I don't actually know how it started, but there I was sitting on a park bench with my mom talking about the maturity of boys versus girls. Something happened and she asked about the age of some of my friends [most of whom are...]. She mentioned that girl biologically mature at a earlier age - there's no surprise here. She also mentioned they also fast-track the thinking process mentally and there in lies the rise of the modern day woman.

Look, frankly girl bitch and they manipulate and they scheme. They care but it is only through all of the above. They've learnt to deal with this. In modern society, they've not only fought for the equal rights they deserve but have also hold onto the benefits of the woman from that all-male patriarchal society - "Hey! Come here." A duality - which isn't entirely fair either - but hey, us boys can't really say anything can we now? That would be sexist.

For boys, the education process begin at a later stage - somewhere between getting a girlfriend and the workforce. They follow orders; blindly, until hopefully one day, the smart one will understand how and why they are given and in the very manner they are given - and give these orders themselves.

Mom says:

Women these days only have trouble with [that last part] in the corporate world, but it doesn't stop them from reaching the top if they desire it. It's more like a 'Gladwrap Ceiling' Effect...
Men, on the other hand have trouble reaching that point altogether - even with all the help in the world some won't reach that point. There's much to be learnt about bureaucracy and civil niceties...

And she pretty much left it there.

I swear I fall into the later category. Am I being negative again? Not necessarily - I don't know, it's all a blur right now.

All I know is I'm behind the bell curve when all proper consideration is placed into who I hang with and the people I work with. Most of whom are older, much mature girls/women.

Those two years I call 'leap years' have left their mark on my EI.

Now this screw-up effect I seem to possess is something quite unique I SWEAR.
It's like the very moment I think of something, it's instinctive; half the time I do exactly the opposite to my detriment too.

Maybe I'm self-destructive! - Ethan Green (fictional)

It's like I can get into the city via 3 different ways, I can:
Tram, Train [at Riversdale, change at Camberwell]
Tram, Walk, Train [at Camberwell]
Tram
You would think after some time, I would get use to a system but no. Everytime I try to rush, I end up taking the slowest route into the city. I haven't given trying altogether though, everytime, I try to make up my mind I hope I'm making the right choice; it never is though - the train will be delayed or whatever. It's not even matter of double guessing, it's beyond that and I still get it wrong.

How I should act, whether I should talk to a person, how to say something to someone. It never goes well. I literally have to think back about these events and go "Did I just screw up?" Most of the time, I'm not even kidding myself. It's an honest to god question I ask myself - because frankly I JUST DON'T KNOW?!

Your mouth is open and words are coming out; this is never good - Buffy Summers (fictional)

I know my Achilles Heel is that connection between my brain and my mouth; sometimes even just my brain. The point is I don't get social niceties; I clearly don't get social conventions! There I said it...

I guess after all this time, I would have thought someone got it enough to help. I can't imagine what he/she could even do -IF ANYTHING at all.

Sometimes the only thing I thought made sense was this thing. It's stupid but I did an official psychometric test when I was younger; money was paid and hours upon hours was spent and everything! I actually did a handful of them. This is the Myer-Briggs Personality Profile.

This is getting long. I know. I can't even imagine who would read this - should probably lock this up for private personal viewing only... Maybe I should start jotting down my entries into a proper diary only. I do have a few; one is even handmade from Florence, Italy. Hate my handwriting though, would ruin a perfectly good book - even if it's blank.

I am rambling I know. Anyway.

I'm an

INTJ

Online quizzes irrespective of their reliability have all pointed to this without failure. Do these 4 letters even mean anything or tell you anything about me? Probably not.

Why am I listing this then? No reason. Well, maybe the same reason kids continue to stare into the sky.

Anyway, google it, if you want.
Here are some that popped up when I tried:
Wikipedia Reference
Here - It even has links at the bottom
Or Here
Here
Here
AND Here.

Why am I still here you ask? Wasting time, doodling on my notepad. Delaying sleep so not only do I roll over into sleep easily but hopefully also dream about something.

I find dreams interesting.

I also have work tomorrow. 9am. FUN! I actually have no idea how they perceive me! I've always thought that it was weird. I can't get a reading from my friends, let alone colleagues and acquaintances whom hold a corporate facade up for the world to see.

You know its been 2 hours since I started writing this. Not all of it at once of course - how pathetic is that if I were. Ha! I swear I have too much on my mind though. A person once told me to write down everything I genuinely thought about for about a month. I bought a notebook and everything. Carried it around with me everywhere and put it beside my bed. It didn't work. This was actually in year 12. It didn't work cause I spent most of my awake period writing in it furiously as thoughts just poured into my head. Didn't even pay 'fake' attention in class - funny how I got away with it though for 4 days. That's how long I kept it up for. My 96 book ran out of space and I cbfed anymore.

On that previous note, my fake attention in class was basically having my head resting on my arms as my eyes glazed over. Kind of like any other 15/16 year old but I was sitting at the front, not the back with the rest of them. Though my apathy and restlessness was completely different. Whereas, I assume anyway, most people wanted to head out for various reasons of purpose I had no purpose, I thought about: clouds literally - saw this amazing picture of this cloud once when I was 4, remembered it since - I even found it in another book; lunch, dinner, I ate a lot; my dreams - which I had plenty of at the time and sleep of course. I was restless but I was in no rush.

I think that's also why I wanted to do psychology so badly, so I would come to understand people and myself better while its credible at the same time. Beats spending the same amount of money to see a psychologist and only to come out and say "I went to a shrink and he told me so and so". BA [Psych] looks better doesn't it?

Okay 12:02, I been typing since 9:45. I'm going to go now.

PS for some bizarre reason, if I have manage to sustain someone interest 86 all the grammatical errors. I make heaps of them. I think it has something to do with the way I more than my actual literary ability - not that it is superb or anything either...