Here we go again... & absolute boredom

I've been in my new place for about a month now.

I've "headed out" and "met" with probably half a dozen or so people and "interacted" with at least another half a dozen or more. I AM SO BORED and yet I get sick of everything so incredibly easily. I'm restless and I don't know what it is that I want.

No scratch I know what I want but I'm not sure how about I am going to go about finding it. Partnerships don't drop out of thing air, but I can't be bothered trying because I expect nothing but everything at the same time. Within microseconds I envision and I have it planned - life evidently doesn't work that way.
I curl back into my shell and turn a blind eye to "things" and other heart-ly desires as I try for the n(th) time to focus back onto myself. A perfect body doesn't mean much in the way of relations but I'm not going to chance my personality so there's not much point there.

I get fucked over by my emotions beneath the surface and I can't keep doing it.

Actually, I can - but I don't think its healthy. For example, should I head out next Sat and try again... A part of me says I should, another says, don't be stupid. Nothing will change and more importantly, your not going to get what your after. But if I don't try, how will I know... hmmm

Tomorrow, I start back at ballet. Here we go again.

Dread

I have this simple sense of dread. That nothing will become of anything and that I won't accomplish anything! Yet, ironically, I want things to just stop, so I KNOW how to breathe. I feel tight in the chest, I daydream but I can't envision myself along the journey.

Self sabotage and self worth

There really aren't any words. I have words which float through my mind, dreams which are more vivid than real life but when I wake up, I'm tired, irritated and disengaged from what I actually see.

The following short really hit a cord with me but if you asked me to say why, I'd probably wouldn't be able to articulate it well enough.
I'll let you be your judge.

This is the following commentary by the director. I genuinely applaud him.

Socially awkward

Does it seem a bit absurd that one could feel socially awkward around nearly everyone?

I don't know what to think or do. I'm happy to take my lumps as far as the next person but perhaps I am too eager to voice my discomfort or my opinions.

I need to seek solace. I don't know where though.

I feel as though I need to change. I feel like I am out of my mind. Out of place...

But then I hear songs like this on the radio, and it makes me think. Is this suppose to be uplifting or something more complementary of the situation.

Inertia

An object at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force is applied onto it. 

That pretty much sums up my current situation in regards to getting myself back to the gym, ballet and life in general. I've been sick, granted for a while now and though it hasn't been the most comfortable of things - I've mainly sleep, eaten and laid about doing nothing. I was a fat lazy bum.  


I was more or less rested, ate when I felt hungry and sleep in copious amount of hours as my body requested.

Now, I have to get back to the gym, because I have somehow managed to gain 12kgs. I have lost a lot of strength at ballet and getting up at 6:30 in the morning has not been SO hard in a long time. I want to simply collapse and crawl under a rock and simply be small. Pointless, unobtrusive and infinity minute.

It the same as giving up! I know... but its always easier to give up.

I once recall someone telling me, anything worthwhile require hard work. Yes, I know but please don't preach to me about that. I know... I'm just b!tching here to vent.

Also, side note. My father and computers is FUCKED and annoying beyond all hell. My father as an individual is one fucing lazy irresponsible douche. The man never ceases to piss me off. Is all this uncalled for? You deal with the 'real' him, past his facade for the mere purpose of public image and then tell me again.

Genetics

Are we doomed to live out the life of our parents?!

For most of us, we don't ever want to be our parents. However, genetics they make up the core of our being. In childhood, they shaped our personalities, fears, and weird quirks. Even with my own minimal exposure to my parents I do understand that I've picked up certain less than desirable qualities from them. Ironically the bad from both sides...

I always end up arguing with them whenever we meet. I am so sick of this. Shouldn't they be a source of comfort and love... No.....

It's like a horrible nightmare! 

Body Image

I'm not sure if I have a body image problem or whether or not my issues with my overall body are warranted given that I want to dance.

My overall skeletal looseness and lack of strength I can somewhat deal with. It's a matter of getting stronger. However what I don't understand is why I struggle so much. I don't see any muscles definition, everything is just round. ROUND!!!

Ballet is about lines and I have roundness. I have to say the inevitable words. FML. 

So, what about dieting. However, this leaves me even weaker!! To improve I need fuel, which if you want to diet, you can't. Throw in the gym and etc etc etc. Again. FML

Hey look, I'm some kind of moronic hipster. I should type like tis kewl ey?

Money & Power

My serious lack of will power pisses me off.
I find it a matter of constant discouragement and disappointment - which is ironic given that it then becomes a strong demotivation.

My latest Credit Card bill has also, and my goodness.
I am f*cked.

I didn't head into ballet like I wanted to either today which is a bit ajbgvacbgsd and quite naturally I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. Must stop.

Double back

It would appear I am giving this thing another shot.
Along with a bunch of other things I am trying to get organised. I think in life everything is always in a constant disarray and mediocrity that only in death shall we endure a moment of peace. Morbid much? 
I think the last time I was here it was much the same.
Housing, in the process of sorting.
Uni? Piece of paper which proposes sub-standard income guarantee, errrrm. Where's that assignment go?
Pursuit of idyllic child-like dreams, Ballet, Ummm, I must say reality is really kicking its ass... MUST FIGHT ....BACK
Money? What money, I don't owe you any money?!?! ]
Unemployment - I mean work!! Well, they say unemployment is down. Which makes sense because I can't find a job anywhere, everyone must be already employed :/
Relationship - I have one which myself, Me Gusta. lol Forever Along.

Funsucker

Funsuckers: individuals who are capable of sucking all the fun/happiness out of a room simply by being present or even nearby.

Someone who you avoid at cost because they are also heavily ignorant of how much people dispises them.

Individuals who just don't get it; individuals who can't seem to ever function normally on a social/any level.

Even on Valentine's Day/ Chinese New Years Eve, when everything else has been so perfectly fun/good...

People I hate.

My father.

FUCK YOU!

Fuck you...