Here we go again... & absolute boredom

I've been in my new place for about a month now.

I've "headed out" and "met" with probably half a dozen or so people and "interacted" with at least another half a dozen or more. I AM SO BORED and yet I get sick of everything so incredibly easily. I'm restless and I don't know what it is that I want.

No scratch I know what I want but I'm not sure how about I am going to go about finding it. Partnerships don't drop out of thing air, but I can't be bothered trying because I expect nothing but everything at the same time. Within microseconds I envision and I have it planned - life evidently doesn't work that way.
I curl back into my shell and turn a blind eye to "things" and other heart-ly desires as I try for the n(th) time to focus back onto myself. A perfect body doesn't mean much in the way of relations but I'm not going to chance my personality so there's not much point there.

I get fucked over by my emotions beneath the surface and I can't keep doing it.

Actually, I can - but I don't think its healthy. For example, should I head out next Sat and try again... A part of me says I should, another says, don't be stupid. Nothing will change and more importantly, your not going to get what your after. But if I don't try, how will I know... hmmm

Tomorrow, I start back at ballet. Here we go again.

Inertia

An object at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force is applied onto it. 

That pretty much sums up my current situation in regards to getting myself back to the gym, ballet and life in general. I've been sick, granted for a while now and though it hasn't been the most comfortable of things - I've mainly sleep, eaten and laid about doing nothing. I was a fat lazy bum.  


I was more or less rested, ate when I felt hungry and sleep in copious amount of hours as my body requested.

Now, I have to get back to the gym, because I have somehow managed to gain 12kgs. I have lost a lot of strength at ballet and getting up at 6:30 in the morning has not been SO hard in a long time. I want to simply collapse and crawl under a rock and simply be small. Pointless, unobtrusive and infinity minute.

It the same as giving up! I know... but its always easier to give up.

I once recall someone telling me, anything worthwhile require hard work. Yes, I know but please don't preach to me about that. I know... I'm just b!tching here to vent.

Also, side note. My father and computers is FUCKED and annoying beyond all hell. My father as an individual is one fucing lazy irresponsible douche. The man never ceases to piss me off. Is all this uncalled for? You deal with the 'real' him, past his facade for the mere purpose of public image and then tell me again.

Body Image

I'm not sure if I have a body image problem or whether or not my issues with my overall body are warranted given that I want to dance.

My overall skeletal looseness and lack of strength I can somewhat deal with. It's a matter of getting stronger. However what I don't understand is why I struggle so much. I don't see any muscles definition, everything is just round. ROUND!!!

Ballet is about lines and I have roundness. I have to say the inevitable words. FML. 

So, what about dieting. However, this leaves me even weaker!! To improve I need fuel, which if you want to diet, you can't. Throw in the gym and etc etc etc. Again. FML

Hey look, I'm some kind of moronic hipster. I should type like tis kewl ey?

Emotional limit

I'm done.

And with that in mind I am going to mentally say f@cK you and move on... I'm not going to delete you from my phone book or write you out of my life as though you never existed...

I'm simply just not going invest my feelings or my energy...

I believed I tried.

I'm going back onto the track I was travelling down before you came along. Gym and all.

Endless emotional backlog

The stupid things I do just doesn't come to an end. It simply generates emotional backlog and all this sh!t just accumulates...

I f@cked up

The realisation and even more so the familiarity of All American Rejects - I Wanna made my heart cringe before it skipped several beats whilst I was on the treadmill.





Hitting the stop button was all that I could do...

There's nothing for me to do now but wait. I'm keeling over...

Moving pictures

It's funny how the cosmic universe plays tricks on the mind when one ponders any issue too much.

You think about something, and a certain someone and suddenly you find yourself at the gym and on the treadmill.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

Yet, the irony lies in the fact throughout the entire 50mins I was on it, the only music videos they played were in regards to just that - relationships. Those that failed, the idealistic, the new and the broken...

50 minutes

It's funny how everything around you can tie you back to that person, that issue. It nudges at the back of your mind; every waking second. Other things cease to exist in its importance. I have work which is very much overdue but it seems hardly important.

Food is always good comfort though... yet, others love food, and here we are again, on the merry-go-round of thoughts.

Sitting, Wishing, Waiting

Okay I haven't blog in ages. Nothing has really sparked my mood to do so - at times, there is something but I am usually out or too cut/estatic to actually record it. They never seem as bad/good upon reflection. Probably something to do with my coping mechanism.

I've been working 12-5/5:30 everyday now since uni ended. My immediate supervisor is in Tiwan, so I essentially rock up when he does.

Been going to ballet 4 times a week now. Monday, Wednesday and Thursday nights and Saturday mornings and yet my interior adductor is as tight as ever. Damn them... makes sliding into the side split nearly impossible till the VERY end of class.

Looking for a new Gym. This is bullcrap by the way. Everything is so expensive and I am so poor!

I also need to find a good driving instructor to take me for driving lesson. My goal for the summer. DRIVE. Need to get moving.

I also feel incredibly dead inside somedays. It's not all bad because you know, we have to deal with people, things, deadlines. They make you forget, they make you smile but sometimes, when the world slows - or when the world has gotten so fast, your only moving a snail's speed to get to ponder for a little too long.

I sit, wish and wait.

I've also saw - no scratch that, skipped through Mamma Mia the movie in about half an hour like LAST Saturday but dear god; been walking around with it in my head everyday so far. I don't even dare to sit down and watch the whole thing. I do want to. Gay to love it but hey - go screw yourself for judging.

Superbug

I feel like I've been hit by a cricket bat and then more some. Ughhh, my heads hurts, my eyes are watery and my nose is stuff beyond stuff. Sore throat too - ughhh.

I know how I got it, but its so not important right now. I can at least calmly state, I was NOT at fault.

Work is almost done, I finish on Wednesday to "focus" - not the parenthesise - on my exam preparation which I am now in full panic mode. This time around 3 of my 4 exams are essay based and require me to write a concise and weel formulated answer within a given time frame. OMG! I haven't done anything like this since year 12, scratch that, year 11. My English sucked in year 12, it was ironically better in year 11.

Why, oh why! I have 3 due in a day. 2 actual exams, 1 in the morning and 1 in the afternoon, and an essay due at 5pm. FUN!

Why couldn't I be one of those kids that was just freakishly good at ballet, or music or design or something that was not examinable by a piece of paper. Like those kids I see everyday on my way to uni coming out from VCA or the Australian Ballet School. At least they love what they are doing. You can be interested in the subject you study but can you claim to love it?

In my opinion, paper based exams are the worst indicator of actual knowledge. It's a poor measure of all the unassessed knowledge and what is tested can be easily fake. Wrote memory - sure people call that learning, but is it really?! I mean, do these people actually remember or gain anything from the subject?

That's a rhetorical question by the way.

Okay, no cough medicine but 2 paracetamols later, I am ready for bed. On a full stomach of lard and havign not been to the gym.

OCD

1. The gym is an uber homosexual place.

You can disagree if you want but that's just my opinion, I don't really have any like empirical evidence or anything. It's just what I think. It's like when I say Entourage is a guy's version of Sex and the City - story of a bunch of guy's sexual conquests, money, careers, relationships and their friendship. I told a friend this the other day and it's funny how stunned he was, defensive and almost as if he was suddenly in a position where he had to prove something hehehe.

A guy on a neighboring table overheard and chuckled. He totally agreed with me, claiming he watched both (in a comfortable and un-emasculated manner - I don't think that is a word btw, anyway...) Damn it! I probably should have talked to him a bit more! Gah

What was I on about again? Yeah, um gym = gay. Not that I mind - cause you know, I'm open minded haha

2. Going to the gym is so tedious.

I can't express my lack of progress; especially in contrast to energy input. Though I have to admit I have been able to eat more without a huge detrimental effect. Though I wish the scale would stop creeping up. Guy my weight are so much buffer - which kind of just indicate my massive body fat levels. Kind of depressing really.

Not only do you have watch for technique, which ironically turns it almost into an Art form - I mean, it has 'technique'; you also have to monitor load and reps and know when its time to overload. It's all very strategic, to build body mass without looking bulky is a relative decent timeframe. Lean muscle is nice but it'll be a really really long time coming if you intend to start that way. Maybe if you got bulk and then slow it down to tone it further... I don't know. I'm obviously no expert.

And finally damn body fat! Oh and you have the matter of keeping things symmetrical. I've said this before and I'll say it again - girls have it so much easier in this respect. How come celebrities can drop like 8967438609 pounds and tone up in like 6 weeks. Even with a trainer and a dietion - wtf, I don't even think I can handle it mentally let alone physically.

3. I've been relationship advoidant

I think it's been a good 4 days since I've actually dealt with my relationship problems, face-to-face. I'm just so unsettled by the whole thing. I don't particularly know how to feel. Am I suppose to be upset, angry, indifferent?! I always begin by fuming and then it results in absolute resentment and finally
'emo' followed by a general sense of being... kind of lost. Like in the moronic sense. This is probably what makes me a 'marshmallow'

I think admist everything it's the fact that I care that jumps out at me. I never, honest to god, thought it would make such an impact. We never did anything major, as the rest of world reminded me every now and then "ahh the honeymoon phase". Again, I'm just now lost for words.

4. Blackberry email gives me time to blog on my long journey home

Finally a productive outlet! Good considering, I can't read whilst moving.

Late night shopping after gymming

It funny how you feel after doing an hours class of 'TRI-ATHLETIC'. It felt like aerobics to me. Though I'm sure, the names there for a reason. I mean - where would you rather be?

I didn't bother changing afterwards, though I rushed back to the change rooms all the same. I worry - its what I do! My stuff was still there, ALL of it this time - good, good. It was packed. Many swimmers and/or regular gym rats and I waited my turn... I threw on my hoodie and the branding stared back at me, and I sinked JUST a little bit...

The iPod proved quick comfort as I blasted the music way up - some American band that most people have probably never heard of. I was thirsty and it looked like a quick trip to Coles before the train.

-

I scanned the shelves. No sugarfree V to be found... and THERE! They went pass me, even amongst the crowd - my eyes followed. Moving on, I mentally debated the pros and cons of a sugar hit after behaving like an idiot for an hour - they call that a workout? Indifferent, mizone was the end champion at 1.70 a bottle.

I lined up and in front of me...

They bought 2 cartons of soy milk, 2 diet cokes, a pack of pasta and a tub of low fat yogurt.

It'd been obvious they had just come from the gym. Though oddly, the duo was all suited up. You wouldn't have known if it weren't for that hair - it was wet and pushed back - maybe it was sweat.

Then that one person in all the world popped back into my head.

I ponder the possibilities; and during that split second the world stalls, an experience all too familiar. Though honestly before, I or anyone can really gather their thoughts, everything is just as it seems.

"Next please!"

And I've just hit a new low.


2 people will get this - maybe.