Dread

I have this simple sense of dread. That nothing will become of anything and that I won't accomplish anything! Yet, ironically, I want things to just stop, so I KNOW how to breathe. I feel tight in the chest, I daydream but I can't envision myself along the journey.

Comteplative procrastination session

I am compelled to blog. Not because I have anything "real" to say to the world or that there is anyone "true" to read my words on this miniture speck that is the world wide web.

Yet, here I am.

I think blogging work, as a concept. There are a few people that I know that blogs on a regular basis amidst their everyday lives, with each entry as compelling and insightful as the last. It's quite admirable. I find it tiring to do so, and there is no way in which I am able to gather my thoughts in such a coherent manner, day in and day out. Often, if there is any issue or such food for thought, by the time I settle down to type it, its a though the words have no meaning... significant, yes! Worthwhile blogging for the world... no...

So why do we do it? I do it out of procrastination. Often this conincides with those times in my life in which I am the most busy. I get fluttered and my thoughts wonder. I think too much anyway. I think I like it because it gives me a sense of accomplishment when admist the million micro-thoughts (which may or may not be connection with one another) I have something that is compact and concrete

Extra extra - I'm procrastinating

As per usual I am procrastinating.

I should know better - esppecially 2 years having come and gone. With 6 weeks left of the remaining semester, I can happily, no strike that, ignorantly say, I know nothing at all.

But heres the current pointless load-down.

I am absolutely obesessed with America's Next Top Model. In this instance, Cycle 12. It just so right! Look it up on youtube. I was never one to watch these shows but I think it was one day around this time of the year, last year, that I stumbled across it. I watched Cycle 6, and suddenly I found myself watching it from start to finish - it took a day!

I'm also developing a serious shopping addiction! I find myself consistently wanting more clothes and wanting more of this and that. I mean, of course, I can buy within reason - afterall, I don't actually own that many pieces of clothing. Not as some might think I do. However, that's not the point, I'm starting to want pieces in excessive amount. Like, I would look at my V-Neck T-Shirts and just think, I do not have enough V Necks, I need MORE. I have 7 pairs of jeans from Black to White [granted 1 of them I don't really like] and I don't think I have enough!

I've also come to terms with the fact, I have an unhealthy desire for Horror/ Thriller movies. I don't get scarred by them much these days and if I could, I would sit them and watch a whole bunch of them in series! On my list, I have the Cube Trilogy which includes; Cube (1997), Cube 2: Hypercube (2002) & Cube Zero (2004), & Trick r' Treat (2007). I'm actually watching Hypercube on youtube now :$

ALSO on youtube - I came across this guy! http://www.youtube.com/user/GregoryGORGEOUS How F***ing PRETTY is he??!?! Yeah he's a bit out there but what the heck - he is so comfortable in his own skin - which by the way is flawless despite the makeup. He says he is self taught in that department. Damn his skin! I don't know - for some reason youtube thought he should pop up in my "recommendations" o.O

Anyway.

In the real world, I have 4 assignments due as soon as we get back! In the meantime, Hypercube!

Dysfunction

There are honestly too many things that are simply dysfunctional.

One of the worse things about being dumped is the fact that you gain weight. It doesn't really matter how much of an impact the relationship has on you - you will get fatter. It's so sad. You might end up healthier and fitter on the otherside of it all but in the mean time, it's another pint of ice-cream; which I don't have in my house right but I seriously want one!

Here's a picture!



Another dysfunctional fact about me right now is my inability to study. I swear my talents of procrastinating have honestly reached an all time high. I have never wasted so much time in my life doing absolutely nothing. Well, nothing constructive anyway. I spent potentially hours upon hours research about cars. HOURS! I know nothing about them, but I keep reading and reading. All of which would be better suited to studying but nay.

I have also exhausted youtube to a certain extent. Sad

Thirdly, dysfunction comes in the form of a family dinner I just had. It wasn't the worse - but it does remind me as to why I hate them so much to begin with. It's always awkward for one. We don't talk for one thing and everything that does come out - is sort of forced and/or empty. My conversation with my sister ain't too bad though which is a relief. I'm actually kind of surprised how non-traumatic tonight's dinner was.

I need to leave the house at some point. It might not happen till my exam on Wednesday though. That would need I have not stepped actual sunlight since Friday night. Joy!

Changing torrents

These past few days have been weird. I have these absurd mood swings. It's not completely unexpected given the circumstances and characteristic of a few other things...

Anyway, it's just annoying how things link with other things. Vague; yes - but the context is not important right now. I think, I would like to think so anyway, people go through this for whatever reasons in given hectic situations and their thoughts become a mess.

Being at home - alone - this since Friday has probably led to my emotions just running how they please without the need for an exterior shield of some kind. No - really, I've haven't had face to face contact with another human being for more than 2 minutes since Saturday. Normally your forced to mingle and 'smile' in a social context whenever appropriate but I think at home, that kind of all goes to hell for most, if not everyone.

I think I've gone through everything emotionally except for relief and maybe joy, maybe. I mainly go through the e'motions' as dictated by my playlist - which I've been told is kind of depressing/angry with the occasional inspirational/uplifting song. I have laughed, even if briefly - mainly thanks to youtube.

Here "THE ULTIMATE DRUNK PEOPLE COMPILATION VIDEO EVER!!!"



and Here "Japanese Classroom Comedy"



Through procrastinating I have also come across other videos like

This was produced sometime in 2007. Kind of ironic now considering the pass of same sex marriage and now the likely YES on Proposition 8 to revoke that same right and retroactively annul 18,000 marriages in the state of California.

Anyway, here is the vid: "Human Right 004"



ETA: According to California State results ,currently it seems like a 52.5% in favour of Prop 8 versus 47.5% who voted No; separated by approximately half a million votes.

I've read somehow that may not be final due to absent ism and provisional ballots - or something, I don't get it considering it's a 100% count. Anyway, this is just sad for this day and age. It's one thing not to pass it, but to revoke something like this which had already been granted. Poor married people...

Yes, I'm also glad Obama won.

Procrastinating

This has been a major problem for me for a while now and I do mean a "while". I remember back in the days when homework just started to pile up - round about year 10 for me, that it became more than evident. I had always been a person that leave homework to the last minute - oddly its not a trait across everything I do - which is good.

PS I still feel like crap, like there is no end in sight - despite knowing perfectly well that this is not true.

I remember leave things to the night/s before for major 'projects' in year 7/8. Hey, I usually pulled it off by about 11pm and with an A too. Not bad, but you see, that's where it started, my realisation that I was capable of doing these things at the last minute.

Now, that led to the delay of my work further and further into the night and finishing earlier and earlier in the mornings [on the day it is due]. Though that being said, I can no longer maintain a proper standard.

So, these days it usually takes hours upon hours to get anything done - in the area of homework and many days nothing really happens.

I'm digging my own grave here! Exams are looming.

It's a serious problem! Any takers?