Inertia

An object at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force is applied onto it. 

That pretty much sums up my current situation in regards to getting myself back to the gym, ballet and life in general. I've been sick, granted for a while now and though it hasn't been the most comfortable of things - I've mainly sleep, eaten and laid about doing nothing. I was a fat lazy bum.  


I was more or less rested, ate when I felt hungry and sleep in copious amount of hours as my body requested.

Now, I have to get back to the gym, because I have somehow managed to gain 12kgs. I have lost a lot of strength at ballet and getting up at 6:30 in the morning has not been SO hard in a long time. I want to simply collapse and crawl under a rock and simply be small. Pointless, unobtrusive and infinity minute.

It the same as giving up! I know... but its always easier to give up.

I once recall someone telling me, anything worthwhile require hard work. Yes, I know but please don't preach to me about that. I know... I'm just b!tching here to vent.

Also, side note. My father and computers is FUCKED and annoying beyond all hell. My father as an individual is one fucing lazy irresponsible douche. The man never ceases to piss me off. Is all this uncalled for? You deal with the 'real' him, past his facade for the mere purpose of public image and then tell me again.

Acceptable mediocrity

Since last week, everything has been just plain dandy. Nothing has really happened...

I've been following my normal routine, omitting instances to the gym here and there but otherwise just going about my normal week.

I was kind of actually kind of surprise how quickly the week has passed. But then again, we had a long weekend due to Melbourne Cup; but even so...

So I wonder, what do I make or should I make of this observed time flux when everything is just mediocre?

When your having fun - time should pass quickly. You feel like you'd done so much in such a short period. When things are bad, time seems to stall and every other second long and painful.

But I've done nothing... so why did the week seem to just go? Was because it was SO average, without anything momentous to signpost distinctive periods everything just bends into itself?

The twilight zone

I'm not actually refering to the book by the way. Heh.

The last couple of days have been emotionally exhaustive - in a good way. Had another argument with a friend over what is essentially the same issue that I've been trying to deal with lately. Did other things too like, visit Doncaster Shoppintown for the first time since its renovation, played the PS2 Singstar games, Low level of sleep hehehe, played DDR, eaten heaps of fruit which is something havent done in a while etc. etc.

Um, so where am I now? Nowhere ground breaking really but I think, it's been a bit overwhelming. I'm letting it happen [this be overwhelming] because I think it help to work through it, literally let it out and let it go... My eyes hurt...

But.. it's odd for me to suddenly be more aware of my surrounding and as if beginning to see things from other people's perspective. It's good because I don't really want to be the jerk-type that people don't like. It's not even so much I care about what people think about me - don't get me wrong, I do. It's about being a better person and careful not to offend through a process of better understanding the people that surround me.

Beforehand, there would be incidences in which things would happen the way they did but I wouldn't know why. It's not as though every question I had before are now answered or anything but I can better relate.

It's all about perspective now isnt it - walking a mile in another's shoe.

Let's hope I'm making progress. It's also made me really thankful of the people that though previously didn't get me, still stuck through with it and gave me a chance.

Did I just screw up?

You know those talks you have with your parent?

Usually they begin innocently enough, your talking about some random crap that in all honesty has no real relevance to everyday life and then BHAM! It's suddenly a lecture on social etiquette

... I don't think I have ever actual heard them, in the sense of actually listening.

The last one was quite interesting. I don't actually know how it started, but there I was sitting on a park bench with my mom talking about the maturity of boys versus girls. Something happened and she asked about the age of some of my friends [most of whom are...]. She mentioned that girl biologically mature at a earlier age - there's no surprise here. She also mentioned they also fast-track the thinking process mentally and there in lies the rise of the modern day woman.

Look, frankly girl bitch and they manipulate and they scheme. They care but it is only through all of the above. They've learnt to deal with this. In modern society, they've not only fought for the equal rights they deserve but have also hold onto the benefits of the woman from that all-male patriarchal society - "Hey! Come here." A duality - which isn't entirely fair either - but hey, us boys can't really say anything can we now? That would be sexist.

For boys, the education process begin at a later stage - somewhere between getting a girlfriend and the workforce. They follow orders; blindly, until hopefully one day, the smart one will understand how and why they are given and in the very manner they are given - and give these orders themselves.

Mom says:

Women these days only have trouble with [that last part] in the corporate world, but it doesn't stop them from reaching the top if they desire it. It's more like a 'Gladwrap Ceiling' Effect...
Men, on the other hand have trouble reaching that point altogether - even with all the help in the world some won't reach that point. There's much to be learnt about bureaucracy and civil niceties...

And she pretty much left it there.

I swear I fall into the later category. Am I being negative again? Not necessarily - I don't know, it's all a blur right now.

All I know is I'm behind the bell curve when all proper consideration is placed into who I hang with and the people I work with. Most of whom are older, much mature girls/women.

Those two years I call 'leap years' have left their mark on my EI.

Now this screw-up effect I seem to possess is something quite unique I SWEAR.
It's like the very moment I think of something, it's instinctive; half the time I do exactly the opposite to my detriment too.

Maybe I'm self-destructive! - Ethan Green (fictional)

It's like I can get into the city via 3 different ways, I can:
Tram, Train [at Riversdale, change at Camberwell]
Tram, Walk, Train [at Camberwell]
Tram
You would think after some time, I would get use to a system but no. Everytime I try to rush, I end up taking the slowest route into the city. I haven't given trying altogether though, everytime, I try to make up my mind I hope I'm making the right choice; it never is though - the train will be delayed or whatever. It's not even matter of double guessing, it's beyond that and I still get it wrong.

How I should act, whether I should talk to a person, how to say something to someone. It never goes well. I literally have to think back about these events and go "Did I just screw up?" Most of the time, I'm not even kidding myself. It's an honest to god question I ask myself - because frankly I JUST DON'T KNOW?!

Your mouth is open and words are coming out; this is never good - Buffy Summers (fictional)

I know my Achilles Heel is that connection between my brain and my mouth; sometimes even just my brain. The point is I don't get social niceties; I clearly don't get social conventions! There I said it...

I guess after all this time, I would have thought someone got it enough to help. I can't imagine what he/she could even do -IF ANYTHING at all.

Sometimes the only thing I thought made sense was this thing. It's stupid but I did an official psychometric test when I was younger; money was paid and hours upon hours was spent and everything! I actually did a handful of them. This is the Myer-Briggs Personality Profile.

This is getting long. I know. I can't even imagine who would read this - should probably lock this up for private personal viewing only... Maybe I should start jotting down my entries into a proper diary only. I do have a few; one is even handmade from Florence, Italy. Hate my handwriting though, would ruin a perfectly good book - even if it's blank.

I am rambling I know. Anyway.

I'm an

INTJ

Online quizzes irrespective of their reliability have all pointed to this without failure. Do these 4 letters even mean anything or tell you anything about me? Probably not.

Why am I listing this then? No reason. Well, maybe the same reason kids continue to stare into the sky.

Anyway, google it, if you want.
Here are some that popped up when I tried:
Wikipedia Reference
Here - It even has links at the bottom
Or Here
Here
Here
AND Here.

Why am I still here you ask? Wasting time, doodling on my notepad. Delaying sleep so not only do I roll over into sleep easily but hopefully also dream about something.

I find dreams interesting.

I also have work tomorrow. 9am. FUN! I actually have no idea how they perceive me! I've always thought that it was weird. I can't get a reading from my friends, let alone colleagues and acquaintances whom hold a corporate facade up for the world to see.

You know its been 2 hours since I started writing this. Not all of it at once of course - how pathetic is that if I were. Ha! I swear I have too much on my mind though. A person once told me to write down everything I genuinely thought about for about a month. I bought a notebook and everything. Carried it around with me everywhere and put it beside my bed. It didn't work. This was actually in year 12. It didn't work cause I spent most of my awake period writing in it furiously as thoughts just poured into my head. Didn't even pay 'fake' attention in class - funny how I got away with it though for 4 days. That's how long I kept it up for. My 96 book ran out of space and I cbfed anymore.

On that previous note, my fake attention in class was basically having my head resting on my arms as my eyes glazed over. Kind of like any other 15/16 year old but I was sitting at the front, not the back with the rest of them. Though my apathy and restlessness was completely different. Whereas, I assume anyway, most people wanted to head out for various reasons of purpose I had no purpose, I thought about: clouds literally - saw this amazing picture of this cloud once when I was 4, remembered it since - I even found it in another book; lunch, dinner, I ate a lot; my dreams - which I had plenty of at the time and sleep of course. I was restless but I was in no rush.

I think that's also why I wanted to do psychology so badly, so I would come to understand people and myself better while its credible at the same time. Beats spending the same amount of money to see a psychologist and only to come out and say "I went to a shrink and he told me so and so". BA [Psych] looks better doesn't it?

Okay 12:02, I been typing since 9:45. I'm going to go now.

PS for some bizarre reason, if I have manage to sustain someone interest 86 all the grammatical errors. I make heaps of them. I think it has something to do with the way I more than my actual literary ability - not that it is superb or anything either...

Starry starry night

I love the holidays - Christmas, New Years; heck even Valentines.

I just hate the ones I have.

There is so much anticipation with holidays, it makes everything seem anti-climatic.

Hahaha, I'm putting this lightly. I don't really expect that much. I think years of mediocre days with the unexpected stream of upsets that always seems to spiral out of control have taught me to finally take it all in my stride. I don't think I'm expecting that much - I will continue to look forward to each day in the hope that something uplifting will take place. The flip side; my spirit is broken - I don't really care anymore.

This scenario has now started to play out in many different areas; relationships, work, friends, study.

The crap I've waddled through all these have taught me to sort and ignore. Whilst the kid inside still hopes for the best.

AT the same time, I don't care anymore.

I know people have gone through worst; I'm not self-loathing, or self-obsessing here. Heck, that would implied I cared - which I don't. HA!

It's this weird realisation, an epiphany of truth of life. Potentially something I always knew, potentially something everyone already knows. It's just the things that have irritated me in the past [they still do BTW]; I've learned to short circuit the system. Something happens and it's just of kind of like "huh." and moving right along. A thought here and there and I'm on my way again.

Not my merry way but - on my way. Till that one day something falls into place - which may not mean anything anymore either.

-nod-

Merry Christmas.