Inertia

An object at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force is applied onto it. 

That pretty much sums up my current situation in regards to getting myself back to the gym, ballet and life in general. I've been sick, granted for a while now and though it hasn't been the most comfortable of things - I've mainly sleep, eaten and laid about doing nothing. I was a fat lazy bum.  


I was more or less rested, ate when I felt hungry and sleep in copious amount of hours as my body requested.

Now, I have to get back to the gym, because I have somehow managed to gain 12kgs. I have lost a lot of strength at ballet and getting up at 6:30 in the morning has not been SO hard in a long time. I want to simply collapse and crawl under a rock and simply be small. Pointless, unobtrusive and infinity minute.

It the same as giving up! I know... but its always easier to give up.

I once recall someone telling me, anything worthwhile require hard work. Yes, I know but please don't preach to me about that. I know... I'm just b!tching here to vent.

Also, side note. My father and computers is FUCKED and annoying beyond all hell. My father as an individual is one fucing lazy irresponsible douche. The man never ceases to piss me off. Is all this uncalled for? You deal with the 'real' him, past his facade for the mere purpose of public image and then tell me again.

Body Image

I'm not sure if I have a body image problem or whether or not my issues with my overall body are warranted given that I want to dance.

My overall skeletal looseness and lack of strength I can somewhat deal with. It's a matter of getting stronger. However what I don't understand is why I struggle so much. I don't see any muscles definition, everything is just round. ROUND!!!

Ballet is about lines and I have roundness. I have to say the inevitable words. FML. 

So, what about dieting. However, this leaves me even weaker!! To improve I need fuel, which if you want to diet, you can't. Throw in the gym and etc etc etc. Again. FML

Hey look, I'm some kind of moronic hipster. I should type like tis kewl ey?

Money & Power

My serious lack of will power pisses me off.
I find it a matter of constant discouragement and disappointment - which is ironic given that it then becomes a strong demotivation.

My latest Credit Card bill has also, and my goodness.
I am f*cked.

I didn't head into ballet like I wanted to either today which is a bit ajbgvacbgsd and quite naturally I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. Must stop.

Double back

It would appear I am giving this thing another shot.
Along with a bunch of other things I am trying to get organised. I think in life everything is always in a constant disarray and mediocrity that only in death shall we endure a moment of peace. Morbid much? 
I think the last time I was here it was much the same.
Housing, in the process of sorting.
Uni? Piece of paper which proposes sub-standard income guarantee, errrrm. Where's that assignment go?
Pursuit of idyllic child-like dreams, Ballet, Ummm, I must say reality is really kicking its ass... MUST FIGHT ....BACK
Money? What money, I don't owe you any money?!?! ]
Unemployment - I mean work!! Well, they say unemployment is down. Which makes sense because I can't find a job anywhere, everyone must be already employed :/
Relationship - I have one which myself, Me Gusta. lol Forever Along.

Proactive solution - we're not talking about the ad here...

I am trying to be more proactive. Now and more generally for the rest of the year/life :)

I'm going to take greater initiative in my studies when they do roll around sometime in March. I use to be quite an industrious individual if I say so myself (wankerish boasting), and I know I can be that person again. Afterall, it's that, that gets results... we're all been told its not necessarily talent but the hours and dedication you put into what you do.

Starting this already, I'm being more proactive in my ballet. Taking more notes, which are in many ways quite time consuming but I'm hoping this is only a temporary set back as I'm not yet use to writing down dance notations. But I can do it, I have and I will.

In addition, I'm going to find more time to spend it with my good friends. Given the fact that I have now recently acquired an extra hour from changing dance schools, give or take. I'm going to call up the people I want to meet up with, make a time and go hang out with them... even if this means meeting with them in 3/4 weeks time, it's still going to be much more frequent than compared to what I use to do.

On another note, being proactive in my opinion also means understanding certain limits. They must be set/recognised for/in oneself. More specifically, I'm setting a time limit on how long I am going to be emotionally driven to invest in situation no. 3 (see previous post). Though everything has been quite nice - it seems to have come to halt recently. I'm not hugely upset about this (reasons also given previous post). But to play the game, I'm going to be a bit more passive so they can make more of the first moves... That being said, I am still invested so sometimes I do take the first shot in contacting them. This will continue till a bit past Feb 14th - Valentines Day (It's 2 Sundays away), after which point I am going to let it go - to be handled by them/greater power (blah blah blah, whatever that may be)

All this does sound very nice. I am very much hoping its not a "thing" I simply have for tonight.

BIG LAME SMILEY FACE.

Summer days

So Summer is now here and it's been 3 weeks since I last updated.

The ballet production is now over and I am beyond relieved! It went alright (a word I've been accused of saying way too much and applying to an array of actual feelings). Overall, I was happy with it but I think I'm still in greater awe that's its over - that perhaps, somehow all of 'it' [refer to previous post) is worth it. I've been told its an emotional rollercoaster... I wish it wasn't though.

I think I'm more or less going back next year and perhaps that may stem purely out of my own lazy to make a change about it. Either changing school or the other hard decision as to "Why the hell am I doing this?" (Another friend told me that this mental block comes to everyone who dances full-time at some point or another). My teachers have claimed I've made a great deal of progress, which I am glad about. However, it's not the type of progress I am seen in my own body which greatly irritates me so.

I've also been told to stop being so negative for she claimed I have a pessimistic streak about me which could be potentially damaging in the further when I enter the 'professional world'. I find it ironic though this comes from a woman whom demands perfection; she claims we need to invest greater thought into what we do. In addition, it's same woman who claims we need to feel our body, outside of thought. A great dichotomy in my opinion. Whatever... I've taken the note up and discarded some of her discrepencies, I've come to understand she would say basically anything to try and prove a point... I like the way I think and approach my dancing - without it, I don't think I would have progressed to where I am today. It's not the same approach a typical artist such as herself might use but I still like it.

What else is new...

OH, I've become extremely pasty due to the lack of sun with ballet and all. And I'm actually really looking forward to this summer. I want to get an all over tan but have yet to figure out a discrete way of doing so. I've started to tan quite nice and lightly on the arms and shoulder due all the times I'm in a tank-top but I don't want a farmer tan.

Right, I've also been seeing a certain landscaper again. Only twice though and of course, no progress other than mere confusion on my part. They want to make the trip and drive up to Mildura or something and then onto Sydney to visit some friends... They made the offer while we were out drinking "You can come if you want". I kind of want to go with them. We'll see...

What else...

The man I call my father has also been going at me again for no reason. Since I finish ballet - which was... let's see last Saturday, he's been on another banter on how I'm aimless and without purpose in my life. Consistently and quite condescending asking me what it is I'm going to with it and whether or not I'm ever going to get gainful employment (somehow despite my hours). He did this right after I finish my uni exam... He's just been a massive pr!@k lately to say the least. My sister agrees. He goes through his cycles... such an angry person; suck the fun out of everything.

Battered & confused

A fortnight ago I thought it funny that the week had pasted so quickly without me realising it and here I am now, finding time crawling to a halt as I count down the days till Dec 13th.

I've finally entered official rehearsal mode at ballet and being given the 'privilege' of a principal role the ballet director has really been drilling into me, as well as everyone else.

For those of you in know as to what the ballet world entails. The constant screaming and yelling during these intense rehearsal periods would come as no surpise. Even when the speeches themselves become no longer inspiration and turn into something rather synical, arrogant and demoralizing. Comments ranging from pure insults of no constructive value, to those referring the apparent fat-ness of everyone in the room weighing more than 46kg. Questions which derrogatory insinuate we're drugs, with others which simply leave us hyperventilating and drives to us to have a panic attack or cry either during/before/after rehearsals seem to all have its place.

What's odd for me, is that everyone else seems to bounce right back from all of this. Of course, they sulk momentarily on it when its happening, they all seem to come out the other end rather unscathed. This is mostly thanks to the emotional resilience they've all seem to have accumulated from their years of training. I on the other hand seem to experience bouts of insomnia and panic attacks here and there right throughout the day.

I don't have that the same emotional strength that these dancers seem to demonstrate.

And I wonder if I'm cut out for this world considering I've entered it so late.

I have other options, and that actually makes the whole experience so different in itself. If you were treated in such a way in the outside world, you would no doubt change jobs, if not demand compensation. I have uni and I have my degree, a lot of them don't have that - meaning leaving ballet would leave them completely empty handed with nothing to show for it in the 'real' world. That in a way makes it hard for them to quit doesn't it?

For me personally as well, Ballet has always been a positive experience that was purely my own. I did it to relax and feel better as an individual - it was my mine. It was the things that made me happy - yet now, 2 years down the track it seems to be the cause of a lot of my stress and anxiety and I'm not sure if I want that...

I'm not longer sure if I want this as a dream if the ballet world is going to cause me nothing but where I was before I left high school. Miserable and depressed [oh and poor as well].

But I've been told the 'real' ballet world itself is different. Having only been doing this for so long... I don't know what to believe anymore and its left me in limbo.

Our problem

Everyone has problems. That's the bottom line and I think every now then, we definitely need to remind ourselves of this.

I can get pretty caught up in my own world sometimes, and I think it is definitely something I should do more often.

Not only does it make my issues look like another miniture speck of sand on the beach, but the whole process of talking it out with another individual whom genuinely wants to hear about it and shed some light on the matter is a truly amazing experience! I mean, they are willing to take some time out of their lives to help you with something that has no relation to them - even though they may have issues of a similiar nature.

Even when your stress eating it doesn't seem so bad...

It like sitting there starring out to sea. It's not to say we're insignificant, merely that in the greater context of things... relax... breathe...

I finish ballet class early today and that's exactly what I did with an old friend whom I had not seen in a long time. It these reasons why I always emphasize how much I truly value my friends.

Whether I believe what I am saying if course another matter... but at least I know it is true.

Achieving Perfection

This inspires me in so many different ways. However, when you consider the number of dancers in the world that make it, it's deeply distrubing. Often they possess nothing to fall back on in terms of educational background or work experience in the real world.

Then I consider myself, one who has worked (a little) and studied (a little) to obtain my high school dipolma... To chase after this, I no longer work, and though I study, I don't study hard enough - will my bachelors degree then mean anything if I don't make it as a dancer? Would I have merely done two things half-heartedly and thus succeeding in neither?

Scary prospect.

Then so it seems the only solution is a simply one! To excel in both... now, it is simply a question as to whether I am strong enough to do so...

Sitting, Wishing, Waiting

Okay I haven't blog in ages. Nothing has really sparked my mood to do so - at times, there is something but I am usually out or too cut/estatic to actually record it. They never seem as bad/good upon reflection. Probably something to do with my coping mechanism.

I've been working 12-5/5:30 everyday now since uni ended. My immediate supervisor is in Tiwan, so I essentially rock up when he does.

Been going to ballet 4 times a week now. Monday, Wednesday and Thursday nights and Saturday mornings and yet my interior adductor is as tight as ever. Damn them... makes sliding into the side split nearly impossible till the VERY end of class.

Looking for a new Gym. This is bullcrap by the way. Everything is so expensive and I am so poor!

I also need to find a good driving instructor to take me for driving lesson. My goal for the summer. DRIVE. Need to get moving.

I also feel incredibly dead inside somedays. It's not all bad because you know, we have to deal with people, things, deadlines. They make you forget, they make you smile but sometimes, when the world slows - or when the world has gotten so fast, your only moving a snail's speed to get to ponder for a little too long.

I sit, wish and wait.

I've also saw - no scratch that, skipped through Mamma Mia the movie in about half an hour like LAST Saturday but dear god; been walking around with it in my head everyday so far. I don't even dare to sit down and watch the whole thing. I do want to. Gay to love it but hey - go screw yourself for judging.