OCD

1. The gym is an uber homosexual place.

You can disagree if you want but that's just my opinion, I don't really have any like empirical evidence or anything. It's just what I think. It's like when I say Entourage is a guy's version of Sex and the City - story of a bunch of guy's sexual conquests, money, careers, relationships and their friendship. I told a friend this the other day and it's funny how stunned he was, defensive and almost as if he was suddenly in a position where he had to prove something hehehe.

A guy on a neighboring table overheard and chuckled. He totally agreed with me, claiming he watched both (in a comfortable and un-emasculated manner - I don't think that is a word btw, anyway...) Damn it! I probably should have talked to him a bit more! Gah

What was I on about again? Yeah, um gym = gay. Not that I mind - cause you know, I'm open minded haha

2. Going to the gym is so tedious.

I can't express my lack of progress; especially in contrast to energy input. Though I have to admit I have been able to eat more without a huge detrimental effect. Though I wish the scale would stop creeping up. Guy my weight are so much buffer - which kind of just indicate my massive body fat levels. Kind of depressing really.

Not only do you have watch for technique, which ironically turns it almost into an Art form - I mean, it has 'technique'; you also have to monitor load and reps and know when its time to overload. It's all very strategic, to build body mass without looking bulky is a relative decent timeframe. Lean muscle is nice but it'll be a really really long time coming if you intend to start that way. Maybe if you got bulk and then slow it down to tone it further... I don't know. I'm obviously no expert.

And finally damn body fat! Oh and you have the matter of keeping things symmetrical. I've said this before and I'll say it again - girls have it so much easier in this respect. How come celebrities can drop like 8967438609 pounds and tone up in like 6 weeks. Even with a trainer and a dietion - wtf, I don't even think I can handle it mentally let alone physically.

3. I've been relationship advoidant

I think it's been a good 4 days since I've actually dealt with my relationship problems, face-to-face. I'm just so unsettled by the whole thing. I don't particularly know how to feel. Am I suppose to be upset, angry, indifferent?! I always begin by fuming and then it results in absolute resentment and finally
'emo' followed by a general sense of being... kind of lost. Like in the moronic sense. This is probably what makes me a 'marshmallow'

I think admist everything it's the fact that I care that jumps out at me. I never, honest to god, thought it would make such an impact. We never did anything major, as the rest of world reminded me every now and then "ahh the honeymoon phase". Again, I'm just now lost for words.

4. Blackberry email gives me time to blog on my long journey home

Finally a productive outlet! Good considering, I can't read whilst moving.

Leaves

I'm back and this time I'm going to be writing in the normal first person. The removed version is nice but CBF. It takes a lot to write, especially when your just trying to vent or simply be emo over something. Trying to be artistic at the same time, kind of kills the mood altogether - I just end up frustrated at the blog in addition to whatever I was going to say.

Anyway, how have I been... Hmm, I don't know how to answer that perfectly.

My partner told me I was too, a marshmellow. Essentially pretty on the outside but compeltely void of all substance - 'soft' and 'shallow' on the inside. Don't get me wrong, I get the fact I'm not the brightest person around. My uni life reminds me of that on a constant basis, which by the way, has literally reduced me to rubble - acedemiea was my all at one stage and I don't have that anymore. My grades have got progressively worse and despite how much I try and/or [yes, and/or] procrastinate - their not picking up. To hear it from that person of all people, it's taken me, lets see; about a good 2 and a half years to see that my worth isn't what people say I am, or something that they can point to. Yet, that one statement had cut right through me.

Not everyone can graduate 3rd in their year, be pretty on the outside and possess the soul of an artist! Like, Hello! Don't you plan on changing careers - anyway...

On a more positive note, I am now in possession of one Blackberry Bold, which I have to admit is a sweet phone/PDA/etc - though it did cost me my old number. Whatever, the point is, I never actually realise how many emails I receive. They're not necessarily all emails in which I care about but there is a lot! The QWERTY keyboard is super convinient and the other day, I think it was only about 3 days after I got my BB, I picked up my Sony Ericssion and I literally stared at the keys for a good minute or two before I remembered how to type numbers in a text message.

I picked up some books on Friday. One of those 'Histories Stories' - Greatest Scandals, and Worst Decisions. They remind me, I love to read. Knowledge for the sake of knowledge. Things; uncomplicated. Perhaps they'll help me focus for the coming exams - I've reminded myself to begin revision on numerous occassion which I haven't done. Maybe tonight; Maybe... I love that word.

There's more... there's always more but, I think, I'm okay for now.