Self sabotage and self worth

There really aren't any words. I have words which float through my mind, dreams which are more vivid than real life but when I wake up, I'm tired, irritated and disengaged from what I actually see.

The following short really hit a cord with me but if you asked me to say why, I'd probably wouldn't be able to articulate it well enough.
I'll let you be your judge.

This is the following commentary by the director. I genuinely applaud him.

Socially awkward

Does it seem a bit absurd that one could feel socially awkward around nearly everyone?

I don't know what to think or do. I'm happy to take my lumps as far as the next person but perhaps I am too eager to voice my discomfort or my opinions.

I need to seek solace. I don't know where though.

I feel as though I need to change. I feel like I am out of my mind. Out of place...

But then I hear songs like this on the radio, and it makes me think. Is this suppose to be uplifting or something more complementary of the situation.

Achieving Perfection

This inspires me in so many different ways. However, when you consider the number of dancers in the world that make it, it's deeply distrubing. Often they possess nothing to fall back on in terms of educational background or work experience in the real world.

Then I consider myself, one who has worked (a little) and studied (a little) to obtain my high school dipolma... To chase after this, I no longer work, and though I study, I don't study hard enough - will my bachelors degree then mean anything if I don't make it as a dancer? Would I have merely done two things half-heartedly and thus succeeding in neither?

Scary prospect.

Then so it seems the only solution is a simply one! To excel in both... now, it is simply a question as to whether I am strong enough to do so...

Extra extra - I'm procrastinating

As per usual I am procrastinating.

I should know better - esppecially 2 years having come and gone. With 6 weeks left of the remaining semester, I can happily, no strike that, ignorantly say, I know nothing at all.

But heres the current pointless load-down.

I am absolutely obesessed with America's Next Top Model. In this instance, Cycle 12. It just so right! Look it up on youtube. I was never one to watch these shows but I think it was one day around this time of the year, last year, that I stumbled across it. I watched Cycle 6, and suddenly I found myself watching it from start to finish - it took a day!

I'm also developing a serious shopping addiction! I find myself consistently wanting more clothes and wanting more of this and that. I mean, of course, I can buy within reason - afterall, I don't actually own that many pieces of clothing. Not as some might think I do. However, that's not the point, I'm starting to want pieces in excessive amount. Like, I would look at my V-Neck T-Shirts and just think, I do not have enough V Necks, I need MORE. I have 7 pairs of jeans from Black to White [granted 1 of them I don't really like] and I don't think I have enough!

I've also come to terms with the fact, I have an unhealthy desire for Horror/ Thriller movies. I don't get scarred by them much these days and if I could, I would sit them and watch a whole bunch of them in series! On my list, I have the Cube Trilogy which includes; Cube (1997), Cube 2: Hypercube (2002) & Cube Zero (2004), & Trick r' Treat (2007). I'm actually watching Hypercube on youtube now :$

ALSO on youtube - I came across this guy! http://www.youtube.com/user/GregoryGORGEOUS How F***ing PRETTY is he??!?! Yeah he's a bit out there but what the heck - he is so comfortable in his own skin - which by the way is flawless despite the makeup. He says he is self taught in that department. Damn his skin! I don't know - for some reason youtube thought he should pop up in my "recommendations" o.O

Anyway.

In the real world, I have 4 assignments due as soon as we get back! In the meantime, Hypercube!

Dysfunction

There are honestly too many things that are simply dysfunctional.

One of the worse things about being dumped is the fact that you gain weight. It doesn't really matter how much of an impact the relationship has on you - you will get fatter. It's so sad. You might end up healthier and fitter on the otherside of it all but in the mean time, it's another pint of ice-cream; which I don't have in my house right but I seriously want one!

Here's a picture!



Another dysfunctional fact about me right now is my inability to study. I swear my talents of procrastinating have honestly reached an all time high. I have never wasted so much time in my life doing absolutely nothing. Well, nothing constructive anyway. I spent potentially hours upon hours research about cars. HOURS! I know nothing about them, but I keep reading and reading. All of which would be better suited to studying but nay.

I have also exhausted youtube to a certain extent. Sad

Thirdly, dysfunction comes in the form of a family dinner I just had. It wasn't the worse - but it does remind me as to why I hate them so much to begin with. It's always awkward for one. We don't talk for one thing and everything that does come out - is sort of forced and/or empty. My conversation with my sister ain't too bad though which is a relief. I'm actually kind of surprised how non-traumatic tonight's dinner was.

I need to leave the house at some point. It might not happen till my exam on Wednesday though. That would need I have not stepped actual sunlight since Friday night. Joy!

Changing torrents

These past few days have been weird. I have these absurd mood swings. It's not completely unexpected given the circumstances and characteristic of a few other things...

Anyway, it's just annoying how things link with other things. Vague; yes - but the context is not important right now. I think, I would like to think so anyway, people go through this for whatever reasons in given hectic situations and their thoughts become a mess.

Being at home - alone - this since Friday has probably led to my emotions just running how they please without the need for an exterior shield of some kind. No - really, I've haven't had face to face contact with another human being for more than 2 minutes since Saturday. Normally your forced to mingle and 'smile' in a social context whenever appropriate but I think at home, that kind of all goes to hell for most, if not everyone.

I think I've gone through everything emotionally except for relief and maybe joy, maybe. I mainly go through the e'motions' as dictated by my playlist - which I've been told is kind of depressing/angry with the occasional inspirational/uplifting song. I have laughed, even if briefly - mainly thanks to youtube.

Here "THE ULTIMATE DRUNK PEOPLE COMPILATION VIDEO EVER!!!"



and Here "Japanese Classroom Comedy"



Through procrastinating I have also come across other videos like

This was produced sometime in 2007. Kind of ironic now considering the pass of same sex marriage and now the likely YES on Proposition 8 to revoke that same right and retroactively annul 18,000 marriages in the state of California.

Anyway, here is the vid: "Human Right 004"



ETA: According to California State results ,currently it seems like a 52.5% in favour of Prop 8 versus 47.5% who voted No; separated by approximately half a million votes.

I've read somehow that may not be final due to absent ism and provisional ballots - or something, I don't get it considering it's a 100% count. Anyway, this is just sad for this day and age. It's one thing not to pass it, but to revoke something like this which had already been granted. Poor married people...

Yes, I'm also glad Obama won.

Dumped; more officially - in advance

The title says it all does it not. Though, I for one can't even comment on how incredibly fucked of a twist this has been.

What makes it so hard is the fact, I didn't think I would care.

I do.

I am so numb for words. People say all you can do in these situations is laugh.
I can barely do that.

and that was through this... "The most unfabulous social life of Ethan Green"



It was suppose to be funny. Moving, touching; yes. Ironic; no.