Here we go again... & absolute boredom

I've been in my new place for about a month now.

I've "headed out" and "met" with probably half a dozen or so people and "interacted" with at least another half a dozen or more. I AM SO BORED and yet I get sick of everything so incredibly easily. I'm restless and I don't know what it is that I want.

No scratch I know what I want but I'm not sure how about I am going to go about finding it. Partnerships don't drop out of thing air, but I can't be bothered trying because I expect nothing but everything at the same time. Within microseconds I envision and I have it planned - life evidently doesn't work that way.
I curl back into my shell and turn a blind eye to "things" and other heart-ly desires as I try for the n(th) time to focus back onto myself. A perfect body doesn't mean much in the way of relations but I'm not going to chance my personality so there's not much point there.

I get fucked over by my emotions beneath the surface and I can't keep doing it.

Actually, I can - but I don't think its healthy. For example, should I head out next Sat and try again... A part of me says I should, another says, don't be stupid. Nothing will change and more importantly, your not going to get what your after. But if I don't try, how will I know... hmmm

Tomorrow, I start back at ballet. Here we go again.

Double back

It would appear I am giving this thing another shot.
Along with a bunch of other things I am trying to get organised. I think in life everything is always in a constant disarray and mediocrity that only in death shall we endure a moment of peace. Morbid much? 
I think the last time I was here it was much the same.
Housing, in the process of sorting.
Uni? Piece of paper which proposes sub-standard income guarantee, errrrm. Where's that assignment go?
Pursuit of idyllic child-like dreams, Ballet, Ummm, I must say reality is really kicking its ass... MUST FIGHT ....BACK
Money? What money, I don't owe you any money?!?! ]
Unemployment - I mean work!! Well, they say unemployment is down. Which makes sense because I can't find a job anywhere, everyone must be already employed :/
Relationship - I have one which myself, Me Gusta. lol Forever Along.

Proactive solution - we're not talking about the ad here...

I am trying to be more proactive. Now and more generally for the rest of the year/life :)

I'm going to take greater initiative in my studies when they do roll around sometime in March. I use to be quite an industrious individual if I say so myself (wankerish boasting), and I know I can be that person again. Afterall, it's that, that gets results... we're all been told its not necessarily talent but the hours and dedication you put into what you do.

Starting this already, I'm being more proactive in my ballet. Taking more notes, which are in many ways quite time consuming but I'm hoping this is only a temporary set back as I'm not yet use to writing down dance notations. But I can do it, I have and I will.

In addition, I'm going to find more time to spend it with my good friends. Given the fact that I have now recently acquired an extra hour from changing dance schools, give or take. I'm going to call up the people I want to meet up with, make a time and go hang out with them... even if this means meeting with them in 3/4 weeks time, it's still going to be much more frequent than compared to what I use to do.

On another note, being proactive in my opinion also means understanding certain limits. They must be set/recognised for/in oneself. More specifically, I'm setting a time limit on how long I am going to be emotionally driven to invest in situation no. 3 (see previous post). Though everything has been quite nice - it seems to have come to halt recently. I'm not hugely upset about this (reasons also given previous post). But to play the game, I'm going to be a bit more passive so they can make more of the first moves... That being said, I am still invested so sometimes I do take the first shot in contacting them. This will continue till a bit past Feb 14th - Valentines Day (It's 2 Sundays away), after which point I am going to let it go - to be handled by them/greater power (blah blah blah, whatever that may be)

All this does sound very nice. I am very much hoping its not a "thing" I simply have for tonight.

BIG LAME SMILEY FACE.

Situation No. (3) Three

Whoa - the month is nearly over and its hard to believe the first month of 2010 has nearly come and gone.

Funny that. It seemed like just yesterday I was so bitter.

The story since then has been odd but interesting and also a life long lesson I probably needed to learn.

There are so many people in this world. You can have almost any type of relationship with anyone.

Sounds vague, but my point being in one situation you may be the one chasing someone who is clearly (in retrospect) emotionally unavailable. You obviously like them more than they like you... It just takes a while for your thick skull to comes to terms with that. So, you sit and you worry, and you wait... and wait... You keep chasing; you become quite annoying, if not very annoying.

For me, that was situation number one. The result of which was a lot of bitterness... (none of which they probably cared about.)

After a while though, I decided I simply needed some validation and clearly nothing says that like an average date with someone you have no particular interest in or interests with. THEN driving from Melbourne to Portsea for some well needed, R&R, alone by the sea. It was such an amazing experience whereby things came into perspective and I couldn't help but smile... it was exactly what I needed.

However it was only a couple of days later in which I would see that entire situation play out in reverse.

Leading to situation number two, whereby your the one being chased. You feel completely validated but it turns out, that person, clearly likes you more than you like them. You've overshot. You clearly see your own mistakes from the otherside... it's unexpectedly horrid, they get quite needy, and they get very annoying.

Situation number two, left me reeling - I SO don't need to go there ever again. And the result was a lot of bitterness on their part... (this time, none of which I care about.)

I was incredibly put off...

As luck would have it though... there was situation number three. And it stands that you find yourself, very hopefully, somewhere in middle. It seemed like a breathe of fresh air (your friends have good insight - and you pray they are right). You've made mistakes and you've (hopefully) learned, and your put to the test. After some very deep yet light hearted discussions (oxymoron anyone?) discerning your past, you come to discover, it so happens your on neither side of the extremities - or so it appears thus far. There seems to be an equal amount of push and pull at all the right emotional levels...

...And that makes three. I find all this incredibly interesting to say the least. If there is such a thing as fate, it's cruel and plays funny jokes alright. If there isn't, then I can clearly claim even though it has been rough, I have learned to enjoy these oddly set of coincidences. Lessons have been learnt...

I say this often, but its often with a pre-determined feeling or emotional charge. Not this time, I say it with what I believe, greater purity, outside of pre-determined expectations and emotional charges... only time will tell.

Emotional limit

I'm done.

And with that in mind I am going to mentally say f@cK you and move on... I'm not going to delete you from my phone book or write you out of my life as though you never existed...

I'm simply just not going invest my feelings or my energy...

I believed I tried.

I'm going back onto the track I was travelling down before you came along. Gym and all.

The twilight zone

I'm not actually refering to the book by the way. Heh.

The last couple of days have been emotionally exhaustive - in a good way. Had another argument with a friend over what is essentially the same issue that I've been trying to deal with lately. Did other things too like, visit Doncaster Shoppintown for the first time since its renovation, played the PS2 Singstar games, Low level of sleep hehehe, played DDR, eaten heaps of fruit which is something havent done in a while etc. etc.

Um, so where am I now? Nowhere ground breaking really but I think, it's been a bit overwhelming. I'm letting it happen [this be overwhelming] because I think it help to work through it, literally let it out and let it go... My eyes hurt...

But.. it's odd for me to suddenly be more aware of my surrounding and as if beginning to see things from other people's perspective. It's good because I don't really want to be the jerk-type that people don't like. It's not even so much I care about what people think about me - don't get me wrong, I do. It's about being a better person and careful not to offend through a process of better understanding the people that surround me.

Beforehand, there would be incidences in which things would happen the way they did but I wouldn't know why. It's not as though every question I had before are now answered or anything but I can better relate.

It's all about perspective now isnt it - walking a mile in another's shoe.

Let's hope I'm making progress. It's also made me really thankful of the people that though previously didn't get me, still stuck through with it and gave me a chance.

Burning the midnight oil

I've been up all night - working on something for a uni association. I'm barely literate and barely capable of typing (I can but that backspace sound, I do a lot right now). I also have to mouth every word I say as I go.

I have work soon but not before doing some final touch up after it has been proofread. The retarded thing goes away once I get it done and dusted, the adrenaline usually keeps me going till tonight once again.

Despite all this, my mind has still be twirling away in the background as I worked. I've been a bad person. BBBBBBBAAAAHD -sheep noise- I don't know thought that way funny, it was funny in my mind anyway.

I've been thinking this because this reminds me of the time back in high school. When I was all quiet and got ignored, but heck, I was me. Not someone who always voices his thoughts but I was me. Now, I am still me and there ARE a lot of things I like about me NOW. But, I have also lost a bit of me that I liked.

This booklet that I'm making makes me proud again. When I use to stay up all night, sure I was still doing things at the last min like I still do now, but the difference being I liked the end result back then. That hasn't happened in a long time.

Mentally I'm making amend for being a retard, it turns out my self esteem wasn't that high after all. The weird thing is that, most people will probably see now difference and only overtime think of me in a somewhat positive light. However, right now, for me, it odd. This feeling that I have to say "sorry" for whatever it is I have done or said wrong (This links back to that whole thing about me not being entirely aware till at some point it actually turns around to bite me in the ass)

A side note, that remind me of that time my part- EX-partner, asked me if I wanted to move in. I say no. At the time it seemed logical. Funny where we might be if I had agreed. I did mention I screw up - A LOT?!

Back to my point, so yeah trying to do what I can. Firstly, taking more action myself to meet up with people. I'll have to see how it goes from there. Being the person I am, I know I'll want to apologise - though the person I'm apologising will prob have either forgotten or stop caring, by doing so, I would only be digging up bad memories - why bother right?

I also want go shopping for a book so I can read or maybe borrow one. Something, not so heavily in terms of weight though - I want to carry it around...

Leaves

I'm back and this time I'm going to be writing in the normal first person. The removed version is nice but CBF. It takes a lot to write, especially when your just trying to vent or simply be emo over something. Trying to be artistic at the same time, kind of kills the mood altogether - I just end up frustrated at the blog in addition to whatever I was going to say.

Anyway, how have I been... Hmm, I don't know how to answer that perfectly.

My partner told me I was too, a marshmellow. Essentially pretty on the outside but compeltely void of all substance - 'soft' and 'shallow' on the inside. Don't get me wrong, I get the fact I'm not the brightest person around. My uni life reminds me of that on a constant basis, which by the way, has literally reduced me to rubble - acedemiea was my all at one stage and I don't have that anymore. My grades have got progressively worse and despite how much I try and/or [yes, and/or] procrastinate - their not picking up. To hear it from that person of all people, it's taken me, lets see; about a good 2 and a half years to see that my worth isn't what people say I am, or something that they can point to. Yet, that one statement had cut right through me.

Not everyone can graduate 3rd in their year, be pretty on the outside and possess the soul of an artist! Like, Hello! Don't you plan on changing careers - anyway...

On a more positive note, I am now in possession of one Blackberry Bold, which I have to admit is a sweet phone/PDA/etc - though it did cost me my old number. Whatever, the point is, I never actually realise how many emails I receive. They're not necessarily all emails in which I care about but there is a lot! The QWERTY keyboard is super convinient and the other day, I think it was only about 3 days after I got my BB, I picked up my Sony Ericssion and I literally stared at the keys for a good minute or two before I remembered how to type numbers in a text message.

I picked up some books on Friday. One of those 'Histories Stories' - Greatest Scandals, and Worst Decisions. They remind me, I love to read. Knowledge for the sake of knowledge. Things; uncomplicated. Perhaps they'll help me focus for the coming exams - I've reminded myself to begin revision on numerous occassion which I haven't done. Maybe tonight; Maybe... I love that word.

There's more... there's always more but, I think, I'm okay for now.