Inertia

An object at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force is applied onto it. 

That pretty much sums up my current situation in regards to getting myself back to the gym, ballet and life in general. I've been sick, granted for a while now and though it hasn't been the most comfortable of things - I've mainly sleep, eaten and laid about doing nothing. I was a fat lazy bum.  


I was more or less rested, ate when I felt hungry and sleep in copious amount of hours as my body requested.

Now, I have to get back to the gym, because I have somehow managed to gain 12kgs. I have lost a lot of strength at ballet and getting up at 6:30 in the morning has not been SO hard in a long time. I want to simply collapse and crawl under a rock and simply be small. Pointless, unobtrusive and infinity minute.

It the same as giving up! I know... but its always easier to give up.

I once recall someone telling me, anything worthwhile require hard work. Yes, I know but please don't preach to me about that. I know... I'm just b!tching here to vent.

Also, side note. My father and computers is FUCKED and annoying beyond all hell. My father as an individual is one fucing lazy irresponsible douche. The man never ceases to piss me off. Is all this uncalled for? You deal with the 'real' him, past his facade for the mere purpose of public image and then tell me again.

Money & Power

My serious lack of will power pisses me off.
I find it a matter of constant discouragement and disappointment - which is ironic given that it then becomes a strong demotivation.

My latest Credit Card bill has also, and my goodness.
I am f*cked.

I didn't head into ballet like I wanted to either today which is a bit ajbgvacbgsd and quite naturally I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. Must stop.

Funsucker

Funsuckers: individuals who are capable of sucking all the fun/happiness out of a room simply by being present or even nearby.

Someone who you avoid at cost because they are also heavily ignorant of how much people dispises them.

Individuals who just don't get it; individuals who can't seem to ever function normally on a social/any level.

Even on Valentine's Day/ Chinese New Years Eve, when everything else has been so perfectly fun/good...

People I hate.

My father.

FUCK YOU!

Fuck you...

Endless emotional backlog

The stupid things I do just doesn't come to an end. It simply generates emotional backlog and all this sh!t just accumulates...

I f@cked up

The realisation and even more so the familiarity of All American Rejects - I Wanna made my heart cringe before it skipped several beats whilst I was on the treadmill.





Hitting the stop button was all that I could do...

There's nothing for me to do now but wait. I'm keeling over...

Dumped; more officially - in advance

The title says it all does it not. Though, I for one can't even comment on how incredibly fucked of a twist this has been.

What makes it so hard is the fact, I didn't think I would care.

I do.

I am so numb for words. People say all you can do in these situations is laugh.
I can barely do that.

and that was through this... "The most unfabulous social life of Ethan Green"



It was suppose to be funny. Moving, touching; yes. Ironic; no.

Lowest common denominator

All things inclusive, when it get to this level what the fuck you suppose to do?!

Fucking demoralized

1. Guys DO indeed possess the capacity to rationalize AND feel emotions.

2. Not ALL gays are sex obsessed maniacs/sluts.

This wouldn't have been the first time it's happened but today has been a new low. After a day, I was tired, my head ached, nose blocked, I was very much sick. I wanted to go Home. My train ran express - but there wasn't a connecting train to my station for quite sometime. Time to tram. I make a short detour along the way into a Borders. I pick up a magazine and begin flipping through the pages, just looking - not after anything in particular.

Now I'm sitting there minding my own business with my ipod clearly in both ears I might add AND here he comes and sits next to me. Not close but his within my periferral vision - which says a bit when your eyes are face down in a book. He does something for sometime, I didn't notice at the time but this guy was some old dude - mid 40s/50 even, white hair, half bold, overweight, thick glasses - dresses like a slob - essentially he IS a slob.

He clears his throat and says 'hi', I give him a half smile; being polite. I go back to reading. AND his staring at me! Just staring...

I knew what he wanted... sadly

I look at him again - again half smiling, I quite evidently "adjust" my earbuds and go back to reading. Was so NOT interest and just wanted to be fucking left alone!

He looks away and then back again. Ughh fuck! I try and ignore him and temporarily he leaves. Thank God I thought to myself and for a minute or two I was left alone in peace to just read.

BUT HE FUCKING CAME BACK! He rumages through his bag and then he turns slightly to me in an attempt to talk to me. I ignore him! I was SO FUCKING creeped out at this stage! I was uncomfortable and had kind of turn my back to him and he is still fucking starring, like WTF! My skin had literally began to crawl and I felt sick!

I felt demoralised and cheap, as if I was for rent!

The sleezebag was old and fucking ugly as all hell. Even, if he was YOUNG AND HOT [in which, I would have been momentarily flattered AND THEN FUCKING CREEPED OUT], I still would have ignored him! I was NOT fishing and I was NOT crusing! I JUST FELT SICK! I got up and walked away, almost left with the damnmagazine in my hand (I just left it at the beeper door thingy; just dropped it on the floor.)

I wasn't even on the best terms with my partner but I still called him, EVEN if he was at work. I was so disgusted! I felt dirty! It was beyond comprehension! FUCK!

I mean, WTF. What makes anyone think this that kind of behaviour is okay! The fuckwit essentially reduced me down to a rent boy!

A curious glance or two is fine, it's human nature. How else would you know if the person is interested. But when they clearly aren't then it's JUST FUCKED. BACK OFF!