December 26, 2009
December 21, 2009
Summer days
So Summer is now here and it's been 3 weeks since I last updated.
The ballet production is now over and I am beyond relieved! It went alright (a word I've been accused of saying way too much and applying to an array of actual feelings). Overall, I was happy with it but I think I'm still in greater awe that's its over - that perhaps, somehow all of 'it' [refer to previous post) is worth it. I've been told its an emotional rollercoaster... I wish it wasn't though.
I think I'm more or less going back next year and perhaps that may stem purely out of my own lazy to make a change about it. Either changing school or the other hard decision as to "Why the hell am I doing this?" (Another friend told me that this mental block comes to everyone who dances full-time at some point or another). My teachers have claimed I've made a great deal of progress, which I am glad about. However, it's not the type of progress I am seen in my own body which greatly irritates me so.
I've also been told to stop being so negative for she claimed I have a pessimistic streak about me which could be potentially damaging in the further when I enter the 'professional world'. I find it ironic though this comes from a woman whom demands perfection; she claims we need to invest greater thought into what we do. In addition, it's same woman who claims we need to feel our body, outside of thought. A great dichotomy in my opinion. Whatever... I've taken the note up and discarded some of her discrepencies, I've come to understand she would say basically anything to try and prove a point... I like the way I think and approach my dancing - without it, I don't think I would have progressed to where I am today. It's not the same approach a typical artist such as herself might use but I still like it.
What else is new...
OH, I've become extremely pasty due to the lack of sun with ballet and all. And I'm actually really looking forward to this summer. I want to get an all over tan but have yet to figure out a discrete way of doing so. I've started to tan quite nice and lightly on the arms and shoulder due all the times I'm in a tank-top but I don't want a farmer tan.
Right, I've also been seeing a certain landscaper again. Only twice though and of course, no progress other than mere confusion on my part. They want to make the trip and drive up to Mildura or something and then onto Sydney to visit some friends... They made the offer while we were out drinking "You can come if you want". I kind of want to go with them. We'll see...
What else...
The man I call my father has also been going at me again for no reason. Since I finish ballet - which was... let's see last Saturday, he's been on another banter on how I'm aimless and without purpose in my life. Consistently and quite condescending asking me what it is I'm going to with it and whether or not I'm ever going to get gainful employment (somehow despite my hours). He did this right after I finish my uni exam... He's just been a massive pr!@k lately to say the least. My sister agrees. He goes through his cycles... such an angry person; suck the fun out of everything.
The ballet production is now over and I am beyond relieved! It went alright (a word I've been accused of saying way too much and applying to an array of actual feelings). Overall, I was happy with it but I think I'm still in greater awe that's its over - that perhaps, somehow all of 'it' [refer to previous post) is worth it. I've been told its an emotional rollercoaster... I wish it wasn't though.
I think I'm more or less going back next year and perhaps that may stem purely out of my own lazy to make a change about it. Either changing school or the other hard decision as to "Why the hell am I doing this?" (Another friend told me that this mental block comes to everyone who dances full-time at some point or another). My teachers have claimed I've made a great deal of progress, which I am glad about. However, it's not the type of progress I am seen in my own body which greatly irritates me so.
I've also been told to stop being so negative for she claimed I have a pessimistic streak about me which could be potentially damaging in the further when I enter the 'professional world'. I find it ironic though this comes from a woman whom demands perfection; she claims we need to invest greater thought into what we do. In addition, it's same woman who claims we need to feel our body, outside of thought. A great dichotomy in my opinion. Whatever... I've taken the note up and discarded some of her discrepencies, I've come to understand she would say basically anything to try and prove a point... I like the way I think and approach my dancing - without it, I don't think I would have progressed to where I am today. It's not the same approach a typical artist such as herself might use but I still like it.
What else is new...
OH, I've become extremely pasty due to the lack of sun with ballet and all. And I'm actually really looking forward to this summer. I want to get an all over tan but have yet to figure out a discrete way of doing so. I've started to tan quite nice and lightly on the arms and shoulder due all the times I'm in a tank-top but I don't want a farmer tan.
Right, I've also been seeing a certain landscaper again. Only twice though and of course, no progress other than mere confusion on my part. They want to make the trip and drive up to Mildura or something and then onto Sydney to visit some friends... They made the offer while we were out drinking "You can come if you want". I kind of want to go with them. We'll see...
What else...
The man I call my father has also been going at me again for no reason. Since I finish ballet - which was... let's see last Saturday, he's been on another banter on how I'm aimless and without purpose in my life. Consistently and quite condescending asking me what it is I'm going to with it and whether or not I'm ever going to get gainful employment (somehow despite my hours). He did this right after I finish my uni exam... He's just been a massive pr!@k lately to say the least. My sister agrees. He goes through his cycles... such an angry person; suck the fun out of everything.
November 23, 2009
Battered & confused
A fortnight ago I thought it funny that the week had pasted so quickly without me realising it and here I am now, finding time crawling to a halt as I count down the days till Dec 13th.
I've finally entered official rehearsal mode at ballet and being given the 'privilege' of a principal role the ballet director has really been drilling into me, as well as everyone else.
For those of you in know as to what the ballet world entails. The constant screaming and yelling during these intense rehearsal periods would come as no surpise. Even when the speeches themselves become no longer inspiration and turn into something rather synical, arrogant and demoralizing. Comments ranging from pure insults of no constructive value, to those referring the apparent fat-ness of everyone in the room weighing more than 46kg. Questions which derrogatory insinuate we're drugs, with others which simply leave us hyperventilating and drives to us to have a panic attack or cry either during/before/after rehearsals seem to all have its place.
What's odd for me, is that everyone else seems to bounce right back from all of this. Of course, they sulk momentarily on it when its happening, they all seem to come out the other end rather unscathed. This is mostly thanks to the emotional resilience they've all seem to have accumulated from their years of training. I on the other hand seem to experience bouts of insomnia and panic attacks here and there right throughout the day.
And I wonder if I'm cut out for this world considering I've entered it so late.
I have other options, and that actually makes the whole experience so different in itself. If you were treated in such a way in the outside world, you would no doubt change jobs, if not demand compensation. I have uni and I have my degree, a lot of them don't have that - meaning leaving ballet would leave them completely empty handed with nothing to show for it in the 'real' world. That in a way makes it hard for them to quit doesn't it?
For me personally as well, Ballet has always been a positive experience that was purely my own. I did it to relax and feel better as an individual - it was my mine. It was the things that made me happy - yet now, 2 years down the track it seems to be the cause of a lot of my stress and anxiety and I'm not sure if I want that...
I'm not longer sure if I want this as a dream if the ballet world is going to cause me nothing but where I was before I left high school. Miserable and depressed [oh and poor as well].
But I've been told the 'real' ballet world itself is different. Having only been doing this for so long... I don't know what to believe anymore and its left me in limbo.
I've finally entered official rehearsal mode at ballet and being given the 'privilege' of a principal role the ballet director has really been drilling into me, as well as everyone else.
For those of you in know as to what the ballet world entails. The constant screaming and yelling during these intense rehearsal periods would come as no surpise. Even when the speeches themselves become no longer inspiration and turn into something rather synical, arrogant and demoralizing. Comments ranging from pure insults of no constructive value, to those referring the apparent fat-ness of everyone in the room weighing more than 46kg. Questions which derrogatory insinuate we're drugs, with others which simply leave us hyperventilating and drives to us to have a panic attack or cry either during/before/after rehearsals seem to all have its place.
What's odd for me, is that everyone else seems to bounce right back from all of this. Of course, they sulk momentarily on it when its happening, they all seem to come out the other end rather unscathed. This is mostly thanks to the emotional resilience they've all seem to have accumulated from their years of training. I on the other hand seem to experience bouts of insomnia and panic attacks here and there right throughout the day.
I don't have that the same emotional strength that these dancers seem to demonstrate.
And I wonder if I'm cut out for this world considering I've entered it so late.
I have other options, and that actually makes the whole experience so different in itself. If you were treated in such a way in the outside world, you would no doubt change jobs, if not demand compensation. I have uni and I have my degree, a lot of them don't have that - meaning leaving ballet would leave them completely empty handed with nothing to show for it in the 'real' world. That in a way makes it hard for them to quit doesn't it?
For me personally as well, Ballet has always been a positive experience that was purely my own. I did it to relax and feel better as an individual - it was my mine. It was the things that made me happy - yet now, 2 years down the track it seems to be the cause of a lot of my stress and anxiety and I'm not sure if I want that...
I'm not longer sure if I want this as a dream if the ballet world is going to cause me nothing but where I was before I left high school. Miserable and depressed [oh and poor as well].
But I've been told the 'real' ballet world itself is different. Having only been doing this for so long... I don't know what to believe anymore and its left me in limbo.
November 8, 2009
Acceptable mediocrity
Since last week, everything has been just plain dandy. Nothing has really happened...
I've been following my normal routine, omitting instances to the gym here and there but otherwise just going about my normal week.
I was kind of actually kind of surprise how quickly the week has passed. But then again, we had a long weekend due to Melbourne Cup; but even so...
So I wonder, what do I make or should I make of this observed time flux when everything is just mediocre?
When your having fun - time should pass quickly. You feel like you'd done so much in such a short period. When things are bad, time seems to stall and every other second long and painful.
But I've done nothing... so why did the week seem to just go? Was because it was SO average, without anything momentous to signpost distinctive periods everything just bends into itself?
I've been following my normal routine, omitting instances to the gym here and there but otherwise just going about my normal week.
I was kind of actually kind of surprise how quickly the week has passed. But then again, we had a long weekend due to Melbourne Cup; but even so...
So I wonder, what do I make or should I make of this observed time flux when everything is just mediocre?
When your having fun - time should pass quickly. You feel like you'd done so much in such a short period. When things are bad, time seems to stall and every other second long and painful.
But I've done nothing... so why did the week seem to just go? Was because it was SO average, without anything momentous to signpost distinctive periods everything just bends into itself?
October 31, 2009
Emotional limit
I'm done.
And with that in mind I am going to mentally say f@cK you and move on... I'm not going to delete you from my phone book or write you out of my life as though you never existed...
I'm simply just not going invest my feelings or my energy...
I believed I tried.
I'm going back onto the track I was travelling down before you came along. Gym and all.
And with that in mind I am going to mentally say f@cK you and move on... I'm not going to delete you from my phone book or write you out of my life as though you never existed...
I'm simply just not going invest my feelings or my energy...
I believed I tried.
I'm going back onto the track I was travelling down before you came along. Gym and all.
October 29, 2009
Bad madness
Why are we addicted to the things that are bad for us? Really? Why is it we enjoy things that we knowing accept are just that - BAD?
Is this some kind of reverse psychology our own mind plays on us?
I'm still waiting...
Why?
I feel like I'm simply floating and there's nothing to ground me.
Is this some kind of reverse psychology our own mind plays on us?
I'm still waiting...
Why?
I feel like I'm simply floating and there's nothing to ground me.
October 22, 2009
Skating on thin ice
I'm running circles around myself... and I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt - again.
I find myself skating on emotionally thin ice; and I know it. But maybe it is fear, I can't help but try. I don't want to sit on the sidelines anymore...
Are you doing this out of fear?
What do you mean?
Well think about...
I find myself skating on emotionally thin ice; and I know it. But maybe it is fear, I can't help but try. I don't want to sit on the sidelines anymore...
October 19, 2009
Our problem
Everyone has problems. That's the bottom line and I think every now then, we definitely need to remind ourselves of this.
I can get pretty caught up in my own world sometimes, and I think it is definitely something I should do more often.
Not only does it make my issues look like another miniture speck of sand on the beach, but the whole process of talking it out with another individual whom genuinely wants to hear about it and shed some light on the matter is a truly amazing experience! I mean, they are willing to take some time out of their lives to help you with something that has no relation to them - even though they may have issues of a similiar nature.
Even when your stress eating it doesn't seem so bad...
It like sitting there starring out to sea. It's not to say we're insignificant, merely that in the greater context of things... relax... breathe...
I finish ballet class early today and that's exactly what I did with an old friend whom I had not seen in a long time. It these reasons why I always emphasize how much I truly value my friends.
Whether I believe what I am saying if course another matter... but at least I know it is true.
I can get pretty caught up in my own world sometimes, and I think it is definitely something I should do more often.
Not only does it make my issues look like another miniture speck of sand on the beach, but the whole process of talking it out with another individual whom genuinely wants to hear about it and shed some light on the matter is a truly amazing experience! I mean, they are willing to take some time out of their lives to help you with something that has no relation to them - even though they may have issues of a similiar nature.
Even when your stress eating it doesn't seem so bad...
It like sitting there starring out to sea. It's not to say we're insignificant, merely that in the greater context of things... relax... breathe...
I finish ballet class early today and that's exactly what I did with an old friend whom I had not seen in a long time. It these reasons why I always emphasize how much I truly value my friends.
Whether I believe what I am saying if course another matter... but at least I know it is true.
October 18, 2009
And that makes three...
You would think a person's intentions becomes clear after some time. You figure in some context or another, you would come to grasp some sort of normality and understand; relate.
With nearly everyone describing themselves as genuine and down-to-earth, does this even leave us with a basis for comparison anymore. What does it actually say about a person's character?
I SO sick of hearing those characteristics! Frankly, in my opinion, you can be genuine and down-to-earth and still be a wanker all at the same time. They're just too broad of a characteristic to be useful.
For those of you who have seen it. The so called comedy that was based on the so claimed best seller He's just not that into you was a horrid.
I recall watching the whole thing with my both my hand covering my mouth, almost in shock. I also recall it released on Feb 14th - Valentine's Day and frankly, despite the record number of ticket sales, it was an awful choice for numerous couples to go see.
Why do I bring it up? Because the movie has so many basis in reality and that's what I found disturbing...
I had long promised myself, I would stop seeking and literally do nothing, initiate nothing. Yet, despite doing so for so long, I found it non-effective (Not, not-effective); my point being it did nothing. I was OK (what the fuck does that word even mean!), I could even happily hang in the presence of other couples - no problems.
But just of late something just didn't sit right...
With nearly everyone describing themselves as genuine and down-to-earth, does this even leave us with a basis for comparison anymore. What does it actually say about a person's character?
I SO sick of hearing those characteristics! Frankly, in my opinion, you can be genuine and down-to-earth and still be a wanker all at the same time. They're just too broad of a characteristic to be useful.
For those of you who have seen it. The so called comedy that was based on the so claimed best seller He's just not that into you was a horrid.
I recall watching the whole thing with my both my hand covering my mouth, almost in shock. I also recall it released on Feb 14th - Valentine's Day and frankly, despite the record number of ticket sales, it was an awful choice for numerous couples to go see.
Why do I bring it up? Because the movie has so many basis in reality and that's what I found disturbing...
I had long promised myself, I would stop seeking and literally do nothing, initiate nothing. Yet, despite doing so for so long, I found it non-effective (Not, not-effective); my point being it did nothing. I was OK (what the fuck does that word even mean!), I could even happily hang in the presence of other couples - no problems.
But just of late something just didn't sit right...
I just want to be clear on what's going on!
October 17, 2009
Great expectations
You know what? Things have actually smoothed out somewhat...
In many respect I am relieved, I am thankful. But now what?
Maybe its the way I live my life, but I've been told I try and plan too much, too often (to a neurotic extent). However, what I don't understand, is why there isn't more people doing the very same. If we don't plan, we're uncertain of the future - without that, we're living off impulses. Surely, the action under these senarioes are less tactful than those that are in some ways pre-empt.
Justifying my own actions, I don't try and plan every detail of my life. I simply ask a lot of questions to get as many perspectives on the matter as possible; what's wrong with that? Surely nothing - right?
But now, I'm stuck in this weird time warp in which I am not entirely sure how I should act or behave.
And frankly, I don't want to screw it up... I want to know... something, anything!
In many respect I am relieved, I am thankful. But now what?
Maybe its the way I live my life, but I've been told I try and plan too much, too often (to a neurotic extent). However, what I don't understand, is why there isn't more people doing the very same. If we don't plan, we're uncertain of the future - without that, we're living off impulses. Surely, the action under these senarioes are less tactful than those that are in some ways pre-empt.
Justifying my own actions, I don't try and plan every detail of my life. I simply ask a lot of questions to get as many perspectives on the matter as possible; what's wrong with that? Surely nothing - right?
But now, I'm stuck in this weird time warp in which I am not entirely sure how I should act or behave.
And frankly, I don't want to screw it up... I want to know... something, anything!
October 14, 2009
Emotional catatonia & façade
When it comes to certain aspects of my life, I know for one, I feel with the entirity of my heart. Its a part of who I am... It's not healthy.
Since yesterday; in the presence of others, I've already keeled over, my breathes are no longer shallow and my heartbeats are once again regualr.
It's emotional catatonia.
I feel hollow and empty, but I can function. Like so many other days, weeks and months, I've no doubt this too shall pass. And the idea of emotional façades is not a foreign concept to myself nor anyone - so I assume anyway. We fake a smile and we go through the motions. We hurt, and instinctively people take action, they try and assist in their own special way.
Does it ever truly reach us? Do we ever truly reach them? Maybe, maybe not...
At the end of the day people expect you to move on within a given timeframe. They have their own problems to deal with, and after a brief moment we must join them...
Since yesterday; in the presence of others, I've already keeled over, my breathes are no longer shallow and my heartbeats are once again regualr.
It's emotional catatonia.
I feel hollow and empty, but I can function. Like so many other days, weeks and months, I've no doubt this too shall pass. And the idea of emotional façades is not a foreign concept to myself nor anyone - so I assume anyway. We fake a smile and we go through the motions. We hurt, and instinctively people take action, they try and assist in their own special way.
Does it ever truly reach us? Do we ever truly reach them? Maybe, maybe not...
At the end of the day people expect you to move on within a given timeframe. They have their own problems to deal with, and after a brief moment we must join them...
October 13, 2009
Endless emotional backlog
The stupid things I do just doesn't come to an end. It simply generates emotional backlog and all this sh!t just accumulates...
The realisation and even more so the familiarity of All American Rejects - I Wanna made my heart cringe before it skipped several beats whilst I was on the treadmill.
Hitting the stop button was all that I could do...
There's nothing for me to do now but wait. I'm keeling over...
I f@cked up
The realisation and even more so the familiarity of All American Rejects - I Wanna made my heart cringe before it skipped several beats whilst I was on the treadmill.
Hitting the stop button was all that I could do...
There's nothing for me to do now but wait. I'm keeling over...
October 12, 2009
Moving pictures
It's funny how the cosmic universe plays tricks on the mind when one ponders any issue too much.
You think about something, and a certain someone and suddenly you find yourself at the gym and on the treadmill.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
Yet, the irony lies in the fact throughout the entire 50mins I was on it, the only music videos they played were in regards to just that - relationships. Those that failed, the idealistic, the new and the broken...
It's funny how everything around you can tie you back to that person, that issue. It nudges at the back of your mind; every waking second. Other things cease to exist in its importance. I have work which is very much overdue but it seems hardly important.
Food is always good comfort though... yet, others love food, and here we are again, on the merry-go-round of thoughts.
You think about something, and a certain someone and suddenly you find yourself at the gym and on the treadmill.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
Yet, the irony lies in the fact throughout the entire 50mins I was on it, the only music videos they played were in regards to just that - relationships. Those that failed, the idealistic, the new and the broken...
50 minutes
It's funny how everything around you can tie you back to that person, that issue. It nudges at the back of your mind; every waking second. Other things cease to exist in its importance. I have work which is very much overdue but it seems hardly important.
Food is always good comfort though... yet, others love food, and here we are again, on the merry-go-round of thoughts.
October 11, 2009
Delicate ecosystems
It's kind of ironic. Somewhere down the line, you'd think the key lies in the simplicity of things. It's what make some things so perfect right?
Are things ever simplisitc?
I went up the King's Lake today where the Victoria bushfires were back in Feb/Mar and there has been so much change. Many properties have been built, and the regrowth is well underway...
Before that though there was lunch, after that was fish and chips and a movie... after that. I don't know... perhaps something anticlimatic, perhaps something absolutely normal, perhaps a brushoff.
Friday night wasn't at all expected... A high and a low. Saturday wasn't all that expected either... a high and a low and a high and a low...
Anticipation. Tuesday.
Are things ever simplisitc?
I went up the King's Lake today where the Victoria bushfires were back in Feb/Mar and there has been so much change. Many properties have been built, and the regrowth is well underway...
Before that though there was lunch, after that was fish and chips and a movie... after that. I don't know... perhaps something anticlimatic, perhaps something absolutely normal, perhaps a brushoff.
Friday night wasn't at all expected... A high and a low. Saturday wasn't all that expected either... a high and a low and a high and a low...
Anticipation. Tuesday.
October 4, 2009
Outter Bounds
For some reason or another since I've returned from my trip overseas, I've been quite up and down. From the outset, I think, or at least I hope I appear to be alright but on the inside, I feel quite divided.
Over everything.
I just don't know how I feel about anything anymore... I need time. I always need time, but it is simply something no of us have more of.
Words that come to mind are in many instances verging on borderline personality disorder.
Over everything.
I just don't know how I feel about anything anymore... I need time. I always need time, but it is simply something no of us have more of.
Words that come to mind are in many instances verging on borderline personality disorder.
September 13, 2009
Positive complexions
As complex and intricate as they are, I truly value my friendships.
Sure! I don't always have the perfect formula in terms of behaving in the right manner or expending/investing the my efforts appropriately... but surely, I would like to think, I am slowly getting there. Human interaction is hard, and I guess this is merely another factor I need to consider.
Ideally, they should last a lifetime, but being realistic, it seem improbable... only time will tell.
However, in the meantime, I am thankful.
Sure! I don't always have the perfect formula in terms of behaving in the right manner or expending/investing the my efforts appropriately... but surely, I would like to think, I am slowly getting there. Human interaction is hard, and I guess this is merely another factor I need to consider.
My friends are my family. As cliche as that is, it's true.
Ideally, they should last a lifetime, but being realistic, it seem improbable... only time will tell.
However, in the meantime, I am thankful.
September 11, 2009
Achieving Perfection
This inspires me in so many different ways. However, when you consider the number of dancers in the world that make it, it's deeply distrubing. Often they possess nothing to fall back on in terms of educational background or work experience in the real world.
Then I consider myself, one who has worked (a little) and studied (a little) to obtain my high school dipolma... To chase after this, I no longer work, and though I study, I don't study hard enough - will my bachelors degree then mean anything if I don't make it as a dancer? Would I have merely done two things half-heartedly and thus succeeding in neither?
Scary prospect.
Then so it seems the only solution is a simply one! To excel in both... now, it is simply a question as to whether I am strong enough to do so...
September 10, 2009
Comteplative procrastination session
I am compelled to blog. Not because I have anything "real" to say to the world or that there is anyone "true" to read my words on this miniture speck that is the world wide web.
Yet, here I am.
I think blogging work, as a concept. There are a few people that I know that blogs on a regular basis amidst their everyday lives, with each entry as compelling and insightful as the last. It's quite admirable. I find it tiring to do so, and there is no way in which I am able to gather my thoughts in such a coherent manner, day in and day out. Often, if there is any issue or such food for thought, by the time I settle down to type it, its a though the words have no meaning... significant, yes! Worthwhile blogging for the world... no...
So why do we do it? I do it out of procrastination. Often this conincides with those times in my life in which I am the most busy. I get fluttered and my thoughts wonder. I think too much anyway. I think I like it because it gives me a sense of accomplishment when admist the million micro-thoughts (which may or may not be connection with one another) I have something that is compact and concrete
Yet, here I am.
I think blogging work, as a concept. There are a few people that I know that blogs on a regular basis amidst their everyday lives, with each entry as compelling and insightful as the last. It's quite admirable. I find it tiring to do so, and there is no way in which I am able to gather my thoughts in such a coherent manner, day in and day out. Often, if there is any issue or such food for thought, by the time I settle down to type it, its a though the words have no meaning... significant, yes! Worthwhile blogging for the world... no...
So why do we do it? I do it out of procrastination. Often this conincides with those times in my life in which I am the most busy. I get fluttered and my thoughts wonder. I think too much anyway. I think I like it because it gives me a sense of accomplishment when admist the million micro-thoughts (which may or may not be connection with one another) I have something that is compact and concrete
April 14, 2009
Extra extra - I'm procrastinating
As per usual I am procrastinating.
I should know better - esppecially 2 years having come and gone. With 6 weeks left of the remaining semester, I can happily, no strike that, ignorantly say, I know nothing at all.
But heres the current pointless load-down.
I am absolutely obesessed with America's Next Top Model. In this instance, Cycle 12. It just so right! Look it up on youtube. I was never one to watch these shows but I think it was one day around this time of the year, last year, that I stumbled across it. I watched Cycle 6, and suddenly I found myself watching it from start to finish - it took a day!
I'm also developing a serious shopping addiction! I find myself consistently wanting more clothes and wanting more of this and that. I mean, of course, I can buy within reason - afterall, I don't actually own that many pieces of clothing. Not as some might think I do. However, that's not the point, I'm starting to want pieces in excessive amount. Like, I would look at my V-Neck T-Shirts and just think, I do not have enough V Necks, I need MORE. I have 7 pairs of jeans from Black to White [granted 1 of them I don't really like] and I don't think I have enough!
I've also come to terms with the fact, I have an unhealthy desire for Horror/ Thriller movies. I don't get scarred by them much these days and if I could, I would sit them and watch a whole bunch of them in series! On my list, I have the Cube Trilogy which includes; Cube (1997), Cube 2: Hypercube (2002) & Cube Zero (2004), & Trick r' Treat (2007). I'm actually watching Hypercube on youtube now :$
ALSO on youtube - I came across this guy! http://www.youtube.com/user/GregoryGORGEOUS How F***ing PRETTY is he??!?! Yeah he's a bit out there but what the heck - he is so comfortable in his own skin - which by the way is flawless despite the makeup. He says he is self taught in that department. Damn his skin! I don't know - for some reason youtube thought he should pop up in my "recommendations" o.O
Anyway.
In the real world, I have 4 assignments due as soon as we get back! In the meantime, Hypercube!
I should know better - esppecially 2 years having come and gone. With 6 weeks left of the remaining semester, I can happily, no strike that, ignorantly say, I know nothing at all.
But heres the current pointless load-down.
I am absolutely obesessed with America's Next Top Model. In this instance, Cycle 12. It just so right! Look it up on youtube. I was never one to watch these shows but I think it was one day around this time of the year, last year, that I stumbled across it. I watched Cycle 6, and suddenly I found myself watching it from start to finish - it took a day!
I'm also developing a serious shopping addiction! I find myself consistently wanting more clothes and wanting more of this and that. I mean, of course, I can buy within reason - afterall, I don't actually own that many pieces of clothing. Not as some might think I do. However, that's not the point, I'm starting to want pieces in excessive amount. Like, I would look at my V-Neck T-Shirts and just think, I do not have enough V Necks, I need MORE. I have 7 pairs of jeans from Black to White [granted 1 of them I don't really like] and I don't think I have enough!
I've also come to terms with the fact, I have an unhealthy desire for Horror/ Thriller movies. I don't get scarred by them much these days and if I could, I would sit them and watch a whole bunch of them in series! On my list, I have the Cube Trilogy which includes; Cube (1997), Cube 2: Hypercube (2002) & Cube Zero (2004), & Trick r' Treat (2007). I'm actually watching Hypercube on youtube now :$
ALSO on youtube - I came across this guy! http://www.youtube.com/user/GregoryGORGEOUS How F***ing PRETTY is he??!?! Yeah he's a bit out there but what the heck - he is so comfortable in his own skin - which by the way is flawless despite the makeup. He says he is self taught in that department. Damn his skin! I don't know - for some reason youtube thought he should pop up in my "recommendations" o.O
Anyway.
In the real world, I have 4 assignments due as soon as we get back! In the meantime, Hypercube!
February 7, 2009
Sympathy for the pushover
I was sitting on the train the other day and read one of those 'Moving Melbourne through Art" quotes and one that really caught my attention was the one relating to leave rushing through red lights. It was simple, short and phrased ever so perfectly. It echoed what I've been seeing right across Melbourne this week after last week's heatwave/ summer.
It reminds me the world turns, dumb I know but sometimes you go about doing the tasks of everyday life - these seasonal changes really put things in perspective in terms of how time has travelled. Afterall, it didn't seem that long ago that we were celebrating New Years and here we are in Feburary already.
How have I progress in the last couple of months?
Frankly, I've been better - sure things are going smoothly, life poses itself with microdramas every now and then. I know I've grown as a person; pleasing more people in a way so that I fit a social mould.
I haven't been happy. I've gotten more quite, aloof - even if its for breif periods of time. The last time, I was truly like this, saw these aspects of me blown up on a grand scale. It wasn't good...
So what's the lastest microdrama most people would comment on/ tell me to just 'get over it' before then take a minute to reflect and think?
I'm a pushover. I know that, you might not think that but I know it. I will more or less do anything for a 'friend' [note the quotation marks] if they call upon me to do something. For now these things have been minor - some might even call it extremely minor but they are nevertheless a big inconvinence and things that are in more cases then most, if not always, taken for granted. I can't even be bothered naming particular items; surely you can think of one.
What happens though when I try - like what I see from other people, take a stand? Say - not this time? Do what's incredibly fitting and comforting for my sake? Am I ACTUALLY allowed to not be that person that IS there? I speak up, and it's like suddenly I;m out of character, my behaviour is not only out of line but unacceptable... am I allowed to get angry, get annoyed.
I don't know...
What I do know is that, regardless of whether or not I have that right, at the end of the day its my fault. Others get angry at me, because I'm angry/ annoyed/ plain sick and tired of being THAT person - so the only conclusion is that I should just shutup - stay in character; quite and obidient; inconvinience myself so others may have a safer and more pleasant trip.
I feel like the doormat...
It reminds me the world turns, dumb I know but sometimes you go about doing the tasks of everyday life - these seasonal changes really put things in perspective in terms of how time has travelled. Afterall, it didn't seem that long ago that we were celebrating New Years and here we are in Feburary already.
How have I progress in the last couple of months?
Frankly, I've been better - sure things are going smoothly, life poses itself with microdramas every now and then. I know I've grown as a person; pleasing more people in a way so that I fit a social mould.
I haven't been happy. I've gotten more quite, aloof - even if its for breif periods of time. The last time, I was truly like this, saw these aspects of me blown up on a grand scale. It wasn't good...
So what's the lastest microdrama most people would comment on/ tell me to just 'get over it' before then take a minute to reflect and think?
I'm a pushover. I know that, you might not think that but I know it. I will more or less do anything for a 'friend' [note the quotation marks] if they call upon me to do something. For now these things have been minor - some might even call it extremely minor but they are nevertheless a big inconvinence and things that are in more cases then most, if not always, taken for granted. I can't even be bothered naming particular items; surely you can think of one.
What happens though when I try - like what I see from other people, take a stand? Say - not this time? Do what's incredibly fitting and comforting for my sake? Am I ACTUALLY allowed to not be that person that IS there? I speak up, and it's like suddenly I;m out of character, my behaviour is not only out of line but unacceptable... am I allowed to get angry, get annoyed.
I don't know...
What I do know is that, regardless of whether or not I have that right, at the end of the day its my fault. Others get angry at me, because I'm angry/ annoyed/ plain sick and tired of being THAT person - so the only conclusion is that I should just shutup - stay in character; quite and obidient; inconvinience myself so others may have a safer and more pleasant trip.
I feel like the doormat...
January 25, 2009
Hollowman
I think of myself as a big softy at the core.
There are things that I sometimes say or do, that may make me appear in a certain way: at the end of the day, despite some thinking that I wear my feelings on my sleeves, I don't.
The fluidity from thought to action for me may not be as complex as those that surround me; but I think and feel others things too. You may call it oversensitivity, neuroticim, anxiety etc. but I feel that they are warranted, I wouldn't feel the way I do otherwise.
One of biggest things, I find irritating?/annoying? [don't know the right word here] is people assuming they know me. I'm not talking about people trying to help or giving advice - but when people feel they actually KNOW you. Not, that they can related but actually "know". It's a really fine line in my opinion.
So why is any of this important?
I just watch Jelena Dokic fight her way through to the quarter finals. 3 sets; 7/5, 5/7, 8/6 - with a twisted ankle towards the end too. It's moving and the way she goes about what she does is quite courageous. The reporter mention in this tournament, she shot up from 600 something to within the top 100.
It makes me think, I feel so much on the inside - these are thought processes which I don't always show, but I definitely feel [hence, the part on people thinking I wear my feelings, I may have just scratch the surface to vent - it's an iceberg], but for the most part - my question is, whether they or not they are material - not whether or not its warranted. I feel they are all warranted but some may not be material.
I mean, I feel about how others feel - towards me. Should I care less? The most logical response would be yes, right? I have learnt or would like to think, I've learnt to deal with these type of things better - but I'm not there yet. Tiny things can send me spiralling - dreams and nightmares replay/relive those moment, potential moments/responses, not existent futures - there is a lot of energy being directed towards all this, at the very subconscious level that I have lost sleep. I dream almost every night. Everyone dream, all the time, everytime they sleep - but I always remember my dreams very clearly - to the very fine details.
I've experience times, in which I can be fully awake, or have gone through a whole day, and then continue to sleep - picking up dreams from exactly where I've left off, adjusting them as appropriate with new thoughts and newfound information - I can essentially direct my dreams if you will. People may claim that's the whole point of dreams, but I'm talking about it as though, I'm there - conscious within my dream. They are often very mundane, people talking. Me - going about daily life but I get a chance to respond differently - test, experiment. It's kind of disturbing, because I'm not really sleeping, I'm just using it as an aid to think - there isn't enough time in a day - I must be a slow thinker. Hence, I need a lot of sleep. There are nights I don't dream, I sleep well during those nights.
I'm ambitious and I want to do things with my life - not for the praise, prestige or money, but for me. Cliche - maybe but it's important to me.
Can I reach all my hopes and dreams through the way I live, feel & view my life now?
There are things that I sometimes say or do, that may make me appear in a certain way: at the end of the day, despite some thinking that I wear my feelings on my sleeves, I don't.
The fluidity from thought to action for me may not be as complex as those that surround me; but I think and feel others things too. You may call it oversensitivity, neuroticim, anxiety etc. but I feel that they are warranted, I wouldn't feel the way I do otherwise.
One of biggest things, I find irritating?/annoying? [don't know the right word here] is people assuming they know me. I'm not talking about people trying to help or giving advice - but when people feel they actually KNOW you. Not, that they can related but actually "know". It's a really fine line in my opinion.
So why is any of this important?
I just watch Jelena Dokic fight her way through to the quarter finals. 3 sets; 7/5, 5/7, 8/6 - with a twisted ankle towards the end too. It's moving and the way she goes about what she does is quite courageous. The reporter mention in this tournament, she shot up from 600 something to within the top 100.
It makes me think, I feel so much on the inside - these are thought processes which I don't always show, but I definitely feel [hence, the part on people thinking I wear my feelings, I may have just scratch the surface to vent - it's an iceberg], but for the most part - my question is, whether they or not they are material - not whether or not its warranted. I feel they are all warranted but some may not be material.
I mean, I feel about how others feel - towards me. Should I care less? The most logical response would be yes, right? I have learnt or would like to think, I've learnt to deal with these type of things better - but I'm not there yet. Tiny things can send me spiralling - dreams and nightmares replay/relive those moment, potential moments/responses, not existent futures - there is a lot of energy being directed towards all this, at the very subconscious level that I have lost sleep. I dream almost every night. Everyone dream, all the time, everytime they sleep - but I always remember my dreams very clearly - to the very fine details.
I've experience times, in which I can be fully awake, or have gone through a whole day, and then continue to sleep - picking up dreams from exactly where I've left off, adjusting them as appropriate with new thoughts and newfound information - I can essentially direct my dreams if you will. People may claim that's the whole point of dreams, but I'm talking about it as though, I'm there - conscious within my dream. They are often very mundane, people talking. Me - going about daily life but I get a chance to respond differently - test, experiment. It's kind of disturbing, because I'm not really sleeping, I'm just using it as an aid to think - there isn't enough time in a day - I must be a slow thinker. Hence, I need a lot of sleep. There are nights I don't dream, I sleep well during those nights.
I'm ambitious and I want to do things with my life - not for the praise, prestige or money, but for me. Cliche - maybe but it's important to me.
Can I reach all my hopes and dreams through the way I live, feel & view my life now?
January 16, 2009
In the jungle...
... the mighty jungle, the lion sleep tonight!
Today's been an awfully confusing day. I guess it has been like any other in one day. There are certain things we do in which we just go through the motions; whether that be on a high or low note.
Tuesday Afternoon: Desperation - trying to complete a mini mailout of 46. Month long project from inception to finish. Needed it to be at the post office by 5pm.
Night: Delight - Average dinner but awesome drinks with a friend from high school on Chapel; explaining the difference betwee types of Gin and Martini variation, dry, shaken, stirred.
Wednesday afternoon: Frustration & Embarassment - medium level productivity at work, trying to prove that I am NOT incompetent at what I do.
Late Afternoon: Disenchanted - feeling morbidly obessed at my reflection in the ballet mirror. Not only had any technique I had been sapped by the 3 week break, but also the humidity. Note to self, once again, shape up.
Night: Joyful & Lively - Friend's going away drinks at MOO. Suprisingly fun. Though I wasn't expecting anything horrid, the night turned into something so much more than expected.
Today Morning 8am: Neutral, tired - but my mind jumps to getting ready. Need to be in the office early; IT support work.
8:45am: Annoyance - in the car and 'trying' to listen to my iPod, my father's voice in the background. Is he even taking breathes between sentences anymore?
9:30am: Royally PISSED OFF - The same feeling I get everytime, I leave that car regardless of duration. The same feeling I get when I am in the same room with those people pass a distinctive timeframe.
9:40am: Calm - The wind runs the red light. I waited as the Red Man flashed. No rush, deep breathes.
9:45am: Cheerful - The morning buzz at work is still live and kicking. Casual friday, I keep my iPod in my ears with the volumne turned down. People kid as they continue starring at their screens. Funny mass email from the OM [Executive Office Manager/ the "Office Mommy"] I move to my music as I booted up 3 computers simultaneously. I was headed for the kitchen, cereal and milk.
11am: Boredom and Frustration - the computer fails to comply to command prompts from DOS, ignoring standard procedures for setting up a user on a domain. Email configuration for new girl; rejected by outlook - over and over and over...
11:30am: Running Low - a girl in the office got bad news and left for the day. Everyone had crashed emotionally. It was obvious the positive energy this morning was merely an act for all.
1pm: Lacklustre & Hopelessness - the more I hear the less I wanted to know "If they saw a 'B' - they wouldn't even consider them. / But... / ...Yeah, but at the end of the day, grades are all they truly care about, they judge you purely at a monetary level"
2pm: Moss - how low can you go? The energy was truly gone. I stared at my spreadsheet. Question mismatch - 4 words.
3pm: Flatlining - I had finished a certain stage for the project. I wonder over to my superior for direction. "Do you want a break? / Ugggghhhhhhhhh...... / Yeah"
3:30pm: Proud - HA - Techno Boy; take that outlook, Testing 1, 2, Three / Reply Prompt test - Test, RAJW this is SimBA Essex on RARA 1126, testing, 1, 2, three.
3:45pm: Shutdown computer 2 and 3. Clearing desk and setting desk materials. We're ready for Bec2, Monday morning. Bec1 away all week.
4pm: Lighthearted
5:30pm: Shocked & fearful - Job insecurities and confusion.
7:15pm: Surprise - Whoa, nice! Who's is that? They looks familiar... time passes... why is the other shop assistant here? I want to talk to the first one; alone. Assistant number 2: "You drink beer? / yea..." Moments later: beer in hand!
8:30pm: Giggly - dinner with friends over Pho. Ahh, the simplisity
10:30pm: Cut - Lecture number 4.
Later; Stuff happens.
Today's been an awfully confusing day. I guess it has been like any other in one day. There are certain things we do in which we just go through the motions; whether that be on a high or low note.
Tuesday Afternoon: Desperation - trying to complete a mini mailout of 46. Month long project from inception to finish. Needed it to be at the post office by 5pm.
Night: Delight - Average dinner but awesome drinks with a friend from high school on Chapel; explaining the difference betwee types of Gin and Martini variation, dry, shaken, stirred.
Wednesday afternoon: Frustration & Embarassment - medium level productivity at work, trying to prove that I am NOT incompetent at what I do.
Late Afternoon: Disenchanted - feeling morbidly obessed at my reflection in the ballet mirror. Not only had any technique I had been sapped by the 3 week break, but also the humidity. Note to self, once again, shape up.
Night: Joyful & Lively - Friend's going away drinks at MOO. Suprisingly fun. Though I wasn't expecting anything horrid, the night turned into something so much more than expected.
Today Morning 8am: Neutral, tired - but my mind jumps to getting ready. Need to be in the office early; IT support work.
8:45am: Annoyance - in the car and 'trying' to listen to my iPod, my father's voice in the background. Is he even taking breathes between sentences anymore?
9:30am: Royally PISSED OFF - The same feeling I get everytime, I leave that car regardless of duration. The same feeling I get when I am in the same room with those people pass a distinctive timeframe.
9:40am: Calm - The wind runs the red light. I waited as the Red Man flashed. No rush, deep breathes.
9:45am: Cheerful - The morning buzz at work is still live and kicking. Casual friday, I keep my iPod in my ears with the volumne turned down. People kid as they continue starring at their screens. Funny mass email from the OM [Executive Office Manager/ the "Office Mommy"] I move to my music as I booted up 3 computers simultaneously. I was headed for the kitchen, cereal and milk.
11am: Boredom and Frustration - the computer fails to comply to command prompts from DOS, ignoring standard procedures for setting up a user on a domain. Email configuration for new girl; rejected by outlook - over and over and over...
11:30am: Running Low - a girl in the office got bad news and left for the day. Everyone had crashed emotionally. It was obvious the positive energy this morning was merely an act for all.
1pm: Lacklustre & Hopelessness - the more I hear the less I wanted to know "If they saw a 'B' - they wouldn't even consider them. / But... / ...Yeah, but at the end of the day, grades are all they truly care about, they judge you purely at a monetary level"
2pm: Moss - how low can you go? The energy was truly gone. I stared at my spreadsheet. Question mismatch - 4 words.
3pm: Flatlining - I had finished a certain stage for the project. I wonder over to my superior for direction. "Do you want a break? / Ugggghhhhhhhhh...... / Yeah"
3:30pm: Proud - HA - Techno Boy; take that outlook, Testing 1, 2, Three / Reply Prompt test - Test, RAJW this is SimBA Essex on RARA 1126, testing, 1, 2, three.
3:45pm: Shutdown computer 2 and 3. Clearing desk and setting desk materials. We're ready for Bec2, Monday morning. Bec1 away all week.
4pm: Lighthearted
5:30pm: Shocked & fearful - Job insecurities and confusion.
7:15pm: Surprise - Whoa, nice! Who's is that? They looks familiar... time passes... why is the other shop assistant here? I want to talk to the first one; alone. Assistant number 2: "You drink beer? / yea..." Moments later: beer in hand!
8:30pm: Giggly - dinner with friends over Pho. Ahh, the simplisity
10:30pm: Cut - Lecture number 4.
Later; Stuff happens.
January 11, 2009
The twilight zone
I'm not actually refering to the book by the way. Heh.
The last couple of days have been emotionally exhaustive - in a good way. Had another argument with a friend over what is essentially the same issue that I've been trying to deal with lately. Did other things too like, visit Doncaster Shoppintown for the first time since its renovation, played the PS2 Singstar games, Low level of sleep hehehe, played DDR, eaten heaps of fruit which is something havent done in a while etc. etc.
Um, so where am I now? Nowhere ground breaking really but I think, it's been a bit overwhelming. I'm letting it happen [this be overwhelming] because I think it help to work through it, literally let it out and let it go... My eyes hurt...
But.. it's odd for me to suddenly be more aware of my surrounding and as if beginning to see things from other people's perspective. It's good because I don't really want to be the jerk-type that people don't like. It's not even so much I care about what people think about me - don't get me wrong, I do. It's about being a better person and careful not to offend through a process of better understanding the people that surround me.
Beforehand, there would be incidences in which things would happen the way they did but I wouldn't know why. It's not as though every question I had before are now answered or anything but I can better relate.
It's all about perspective now isnt it - walking a mile in another's shoe.
Let's hope I'm making progress. It's also made me really thankful of the people that though previously didn't get me, still stuck through with it and gave me a chance.
The last couple of days have been emotionally exhaustive - in a good way. Had another argument with a friend over what is essentially the same issue that I've been trying to deal with lately. Did other things too like, visit Doncaster Shoppintown for the first time since its renovation, played the PS2 Singstar games, Low level of sleep hehehe, played DDR, eaten heaps of fruit which is something havent done in a while etc. etc.
Um, so where am I now? Nowhere ground breaking really but I think, it's been a bit overwhelming. I'm letting it happen [this be overwhelming] because I think it help to work through it, literally let it out and let it go... My eyes hurt...
But.. it's odd for me to suddenly be more aware of my surrounding and as if beginning to see things from other people's perspective. It's good because I don't really want to be the jerk-type that people don't like. It's not even so much I care about what people think about me - don't get me wrong, I do. It's about being a better person and careful not to offend through a process of better understanding the people that surround me.
Beforehand, there would be incidences in which things would happen the way they did but I wouldn't know why. It's not as though every question I had before are now answered or anything but I can better relate.
It's all about perspective now isnt it - walking a mile in another's shoe.
Let's hope I'm making progress. It's also made me really thankful of the people that though previously didn't get me, still stuck through with it and gave me a chance.
January 7, 2009
Burning the midnight oil
I've been up all night - working on something for a uni association. I'm barely literate and barely capable of typing (I can but that backspace sound, I do a lot right now). I also have to mouth every word I say as I go.
I have work soon but not before doing some final touch up after it has been proofread. The retarded thing goes away once I get it done and dusted, the adrenaline usually keeps me going till tonight once again.
Despite all this, my mind has still be twirling away in the background as I worked. I've been a bad person. BBBBBBBAAAAHD -sheep noise- I don't know thought that way funny, it was funny in my mind anyway.
I've been thinking this because this reminds me of the time back in high school. When I was all quiet and got ignored, but heck, I was me. Not someone who always voices his thoughts but I was me. Now, I am still me and there ARE a lot of things I like about me NOW. But, I have also lost a bit of me that I liked.
This booklet that I'm making makes me proud again. When I use to stay up all night, sure I was still doing things at the last min like I still do now, but the difference being I liked the end result back then. That hasn't happened in a long time.
Mentally I'm making amend for being a retard, it turns out my self esteem wasn't that high after all. The weird thing is that, most people will probably see now difference and only overtime think of me in a somewhat positive light. However, right now, for me, it odd. This feeling that I have to say "sorry" for whatever it is I have done or said wrong (This links back to that whole thing about me not being entirely aware till at some point it actually turns around to bite me in the ass)
A side note, that remind me of that time my part- EX-partner, asked me if I wanted to move in. I say no. At the time it seemed logical. Funny where we might be if I had agreed. I did mention I screw up - A LOT?!
Back to my point, so yeah trying to do what I can. Firstly, taking more action myself to meet up with people. I'll have to see how it goes from there. Being the person I am, I know I'll want to apologise - though the person I'm apologising will prob have either forgotten or stop caring, by doing so, I would only be digging up bad memories - why bother right?
I also want go shopping for a book so I can read or maybe borrow one. Something, not so heavily in terms of weight though - I want to carry it around...
I have work soon but not before doing some final touch up after it has been proofread. The retarded thing goes away once I get it done and dusted, the adrenaline usually keeps me going till tonight once again.
Despite all this, my mind has still be twirling away in the background as I worked. I've been a bad person. BBBBBBBAAAAHD -sheep noise- I don't know thought that way funny, it was funny in my mind anyway.
I've been thinking this because this reminds me of the time back in high school. When I was all quiet and got ignored, but heck, I was me. Not someone who always voices his thoughts but I was me. Now, I am still me and there ARE a lot of things I like about me NOW. But, I have also lost a bit of me that I liked.
This booklet that I'm making makes me proud again. When I use to stay up all night, sure I was still doing things at the last min like I still do now, but the difference being I liked the end result back then. That hasn't happened in a long time.
Mentally I'm making amend for being a retard, it turns out my self esteem wasn't that high after all. The weird thing is that, most people will probably see now difference and only overtime think of me in a somewhat positive light. However, right now, for me, it odd. This feeling that I have to say "sorry" for whatever it is I have done or said wrong (This links back to that whole thing about me not being entirely aware till at some point it actually turns around to bite me in the ass)
A side note, that remind me of that time my part- EX-partner, asked me if I wanted to move in. I say no. At the time it seemed logical. Funny where we might be if I had agreed. I did mention I screw up - A LOT?!
Back to my point, so yeah trying to do what I can. Firstly, taking more action myself to meet up with people. I'll have to see how it goes from there. Being the person I am, I know I'll want to apologise - though the person I'm apologising will prob have either forgotten or stop caring, by doing so, I would only be digging up bad memories - why bother right?
I also want go shopping for a book so I can read or maybe borrow one. Something, not so heavily in terms of weight though - I want to carry it around...
January 4, 2009
Did I just screw up?
You know those talks you have with your parent?
Usually they begin innocently enough, your talking about some random crap that in all honesty has no real relevance to everyday life and then BHAM! It's suddenly a lecture on social etiquette
... I don't think I have ever actual heard them, in the sense of actually listening.
The last one was quite interesting. I don't actually know how it started, but there I was sitting on a park bench with my mom talking about the maturity of boys versus girls. Something happened and she asked about the age of some of my friends [most of whom are...]. She mentioned that girl biologically mature at a earlier age - there's no surprise here. She also mentioned they also fast-track the thinking process mentally and there in lies the rise of the modern day woman.
Look, frankly girl bitch and they manipulate and they scheme. They care but it is only through all of the above. They've learnt to deal with this. In modern society, they've not only fought for the equal rights they deserve but have also hold onto the benefits of the woman from that all-male patriarchal society - "Hey! Come here." A duality - which isn't entirely fair either - but hey, us boys can't really say anything can we now? That would be sexist.
For boys, the education process begin at a later stage - somewhere between getting a girlfriend and the workforce. They follow orders; blindly, until hopefully one day, the smart one will understand how and why they are given and in the very manner they are given - and give these orders themselves.
Mom says:
And she pretty much left it there.
I swear I fall into the later category. Am I being negative again? Not necessarily - I don't know, it's all a blur right now.
All I know is I'm behind the bell curve when all proper consideration is placed into who I hang with and the people I work with. Most of whom are older, much mature girls/women.
Those two years I call 'leap years' have left their mark on my EI.
Now this screw-up effect I seem to possess is something quite unique I SWEAR.
It's like the very moment I think of something, it's instinctive; half the time I do exactly the opposite to my detriment too.
It's like I can get into the city via 3 different ways, I can:
Tram, Train [at Riversdale, change at Camberwell]
Tram, Walk, Train [at Camberwell]
Tram
You would think after some time, I would get use to a system but no. Everytime I try to rush, I end up taking the slowest route into the city. I haven't given trying altogether though, everytime, I try to make up my mind I hope I'm making the right choice; it never is though - the train will be delayed or whatever. It's not even matter of double guessing, it's beyond that and I still get it wrong.
How I should act, whether I should talk to a person, how to say something to someone. It never goes well. I literally have to think back about these events and go "Did I just screw up?" Most of the time, I'm not even kidding myself. It's an honest to god question I ask myself - because frankly I JUST DON'T KNOW?!
I know my Achilles Heel is that connection between my brain and my mouth; sometimes even just my brain. The point is I don't get social niceties; I clearly don't get social conventions! There I said it...
I guess after all this time, I would have thought someone got it enough to help. I can't imagine what he/she could even do -IF ANYTHING at all.
Sometimes the only thing I thought made sense was this thing. It's stupid but I did an official psychometric test when I was younger; money was paid and hours upon hours was spent and everything! I actually did a handful of them. This is the Myer-Briggs Personality Profile.
This is getting long. I know. I can't even imagine who would read this - should probably lock this up for private personal viewing only... Maybe I should start jotting down my entries into a proper diary only. I do have a few; one is even handmade from Florence, Italy. Hate my handwriting though, would ruin a perfectly good book - even if it's blank.
I am rambling I know. Anyway.
I'm an
Online quizzes irrespective of their reliability have all pointed to this without failure. Do these 4 letters even mean anything or tell you anything about me? Probably not.
Why am I listing this then? No reason. Well, maybe the same reason kids continue to stare into the sky.
Anyway, google it, if you want.
Here are some that popped up when I tried:
Wikipedia Reference
Here - It even has links at the bottom
Or Here
Here
Here
AND Here.
Why am I still here you ask? Wasting time, doodling on my notepad. Delaying sleep so not only do I roll over into sleep easily but hopefully also dream about something.
I find dreams interesting.
I also have work tomorrow. 9am. FUN! I actually have no idea how they perceive me! I've always thought that it was weird. I can't get a reading from my friends, let alone colleagues and acquaintances whom hold a corporate facade up for the world to see.
You know its been 2 hours since I started writing this. Not all of it at once of course - how pathetic is that if I were. Ha! I swear I have too much on my mind though. A person once told me to write down everything I genuinely thought about for about a month. I bought a notebook and everything. Carried it around with me everywhere and put it beside my bed. It didn't work. This was actually in year 12. It didn't work cause I spent most of my awake period writing in it furiously as thoughts just poured into my head. Didn't even pay 'fake' attention in class - funny how I got away with it though for 4 days. That's how long I kept it up for. My 96 book ran out of space and I cbfed anymore.
On that previous note, my fake attention in class was basically having my head resting on my arms as my eyes glazed over. Kind of like any other 15/16 year old but I was sitting at the front, not the back with the rest of them. Though my apathy and restlessness was completely different. Whereas, I assume anyway, most people wanted to head out for various reasons of purpose I had no purpose, I thought about: clouds literally - saw this amazing picture of this cloud once when I was 4, remembered it since - I even found it in another book; lunch, dinner, I ate a lot; my dreams - which I had plenty of at the time and sleep of course. I was restless but I was in no rush.
I think that's also why I wanted to do psychology so badly, so I would come to understand people and myself better while its credible at the same time. Beats spending the same amount of money to see a psychologist and only to come out and say "I went to a shrink and he told me so and so". BA [Psych] looks better doesn't it?
Okay 12:02, I been typing since 9:45. I'm going to go now.
PS for some bizarre reason, if I have manage to sustain someone interest 86 all the grammatical errors. I make heaps of them. I think it has something to do with the way I more than my actual literary ability - not that it is superb or anything either...
Usually they begin innocently enough, your talking about some random crap that in all honesty has no real relevance to everyday life and then BHAM! It's suddenly a lecture on social etiquette
... I don't think I have ever actual heard them, in the sense of actually listening.
The last one was quite interesting. I don't actually know how it started, but there I was sitting on a park bench with my mom talking about the maturity of boys versus girls. Something happened and she asked about the age of some of my friends [most of whom are...]. She mentioned that girl biologically mature at a earlier age - there's no surprise here. She also mentioned they also fast-track the thinking process mentally and there in lies the rise of the modern day woman.
Look, frankly girl bitch and they manipulate and they scheme. They care but it is only through all of the above. They've learnt to deal with this. In modern society, they've not only fought for the equal rights they deserve but have also hold onto the benefits of the woman from that all-male patriarchal society - "Hey! Come here." A duality - which isn't entirely fair either - but hey, us boys can't really say anything can we now? That would be sexist.
For boys, the education process begin at a later stage - somewhere between getting a girlfriend and the workforce. They follow orders; blindly, until hopefully one day, the smart one will understand how and why they are given and in the very manner they are given - and give these orders themselves.
Mom says:
Women these days only have trouble with [that last part] in the corporate world, but it doesn't stop them from reaching the top if they desire it. It's more like a 'Gladwrap Ceiling' Effect...
Men, on the other hand have trouble reaching that point altogether - even with all the help in the world some won't reach that point. There's much to be learnt about bureaucracy and civil niceties...
And she pretty much left it there.
I swear I fall into the later category. Am I being negative again? Not necessarily - I don't know, it's all a blur right now.
All I know is I'm behind the bell curve when all proper consideration is placed into who I hang with and the people I work with. Most of whom are older, much mature girls/women.
Those two years I call 'leap years' have left their mark on my EI.
Now this screw-up effect I seem to possess is something quite unique I SWEAR.
It's like the very moment I think of something, it's instinctive; half the time I do exactly the opposite to my detriment too.
Maybe I'm self-destructive! - Ethan Green (fictional)
It's like I can get into the city via 3 different ways, I can:
Tram, Train [at Riversdale, change at Camberwell]
Tram, Walk, Train [at Camberwell]
Tram
You would think after some time, I would get use to a system but no. Everytime I try to rush, I end up taking the slowest route into the city. I haven't given trying altogether though, everytime, I try to make up my mind I hope I'm making the right choice; it never is though - the train will be delayed or whatever. It's not even matter of double guessing, it's beyond that and I still get it wrong.
How I should act, whether I should talk to a person, how to say something to someone. It never goes well. I literally have to think back about these events and go "Did I just screw up?" Most of the time, I'm not even kidding myself. It's an honest to god question I ask myself - because frankly I JUST DON'T KNOW?!
Your mouth is open and words are coming out; this is never good - Buffy Summers (fictional)
I know my Achilles Heel is that connection between my brain and my mouth; sometimes even just my brain. The point is I don't get social niceties; I clearly don't get social conventions! There I said it...
I guess after all this time, I would have thought someone got it enough to help. I can't imagine what he/she could even do -IF ANYTHING at all.
Sometimes the only thing I thought made sense was this thing. It's stupid but I did an official psychometric test when I was younger; money was paid and hours upon hours was spent and everything! I actually did a handful of them. This is the Myer-Briggs Personality Profile.
This is getting long. I know. I can't even imagine who would read this - should probably lock this up for private personal viewing only... Maybe I should start jotting down my entries into a proper diary only. I do have a few; one is even handmade from Florence, Italy. Hate my handwriting though, would ruin a perfectly good book - even if it's blank.
I am rambling I know. Anyway.
I'm an
INTJ
Online quizzes irrespective of their reliability have all pointed to this without failure. Do these 4 letters even mean anything or tell you anything about me? Probably not.
Why am I listing this then? No reason. Well, maybe the same reason kids continue to stare into the sky.
Anyway, google it, if you want.
Here are some that popped up when I tried:
Wikipedia Reference
Here - It even has links at the bottom
Or Here
Here
Here
AND Here.
Why am I still here you ask? Wasting time, doodling on my notepad. Delaying sleep so not only do I roll over into sleep easily but hopefully also dream about something.
I find dreams interesting.
I also have work tomorrow. 9am. FUN! I actually have no idea how they perceive me! I've always thought that it was weird. I can't get a reading from my friends, let alone colleagues and acquaintances whom hold a corporate facade up for the world to see.
You know its been 2 hours since I started writing this. Not all of it at once of course - how pathetic is that if I were. Ha! I swear I have too much on my mind though. A person once told me to write down everything I genuinely thought about for about a month. I bought a notebook and everything. Carried it around with me everywhere and put it beside my bed. It didn't work. This was actually in year 12. It didn't work cause I spent most of my awake period writing in it furiously as thoughts just poured into my head. Didn't even pay 'fake' attention in class - funny how I got away with it though for 4 days. That's how long I kept it up for. My 96 book ran out of space and I cbfed anymore.
On that previous note, my fake attention in class was basically having my head resting on my arms as my eyes glazed over. Kind of like any other 15/16 year old but I was sitting at the front, not the back with the rest of them. Though my apathy and restlessness was completely different. Whereas, I assume anyway, most people wanted to head out for various reasons of purpose I had no purpose, I thought about: clouds literally - saw this amazing picture of this cloud once when I was 4, remembered it since - I even found it in another book; lunch, dinner, I ate a lot; my dreams - which I had plenty of at the time and sleep of course. I was restless but I was in no rush.
I think that's also why I wanted to do psychology so badly, so I would come to understand people and myself better while its credible at the same time. Beats spending the same amount of money to see a psychologist and only to come out and say "I went to a shrink and he told me so and so". BA [Psych] looks better doesn't it?
Okay 12:02, I been typing since 9:45. I'm going to go now.
PS for some bizarre reason, if I have manage to sustain someone interest 86 all the grammatical errors. I make heaps of them. I think it has something to do with the way I more than my actual literary ability - not that it is superb or anything either...
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