Hollowman

I think of myself as a big softy at the core.

There are things that I sometimes say or do, that may make me appear in a certain way: at the end of the day, despite some thinking that I wear my feelings on my sleeves, I don't.

The fluidity from thought to action for me may not be as complex as those that surround me; but I think and feel others things too. You may call it oversensitivity, neuroticim, anxiety etc. but I feel that they are warranted, I wouldn't feel the way I do otherwise.

One of biggest things, I find irritating?/annoying? [don't know the right word here] is people assuming they know me. I'm not talking about people trying to help or giving advice - but when people feel they actually KNOW you. Not, that they can related but actually "know". It's a really fine line in my opinion.

So why is any of this important?

I just watch Jelena Dokic fight her way through to the quarter finals. 3 sets; 7/5, 5/7, 8/6 - with a twisted ankle towards the end too. It's moving and the way she goes about what she does is quite courageous. The reporter mention in this tournament, she shot up from 600 something to within the top 100.

It makes me think, I feel so much on the inside - these are thought processes which I don't always show, but I definitely feel [hence, the part on people thinking I wear my feelings, I may have just scratch the surface to vent - it's an iceberg], but for the most part - my question is, whether they or not they are material - not whether or not its warranted. I feel they are all warranted but some may not be material.

I mean, I feel about how others feel - towards me. Should I care less? The most logical response would be yes, right? I have learnt or would like to think, I've learnt to deal with these type of things better - but I'm not there yet. Tiny things can send me spiralling - dreams and nightmares replay/relive those moment, potential moments/responses, not existent futures - there is a lot of energy being directed towards all this, at the very subconscious level that I have lost sleep. I dream almost every night. Everyone dream, all the time, everytime they sleep - but I always remember my dreams very clearly - to the very fine details.

I've experience times, in which I can be fully awake, or have gone through a whole day, and then continue to sleep - picking up dreams from exactly where I've left off, adjusting them as appropriate with new thoughts and newfound information - I can essentially direct my dreams if you will. People may claim that's the whole point of dreams, but I'm talking about it as though, I'm there - conscious within my dream. They are often very mundane, people talking. Me - going about daily life but I get a chance to respond differently - test, experiment. It's kind of disturbing, because I'm not really sleeping, I'm just using it as an aid to think - there isn't enough time in a day - I must be a slow thinker. Hence, I need a lot of sleep. There are nights I don't dream, I sleep well during those nights.

I'm ambitious and I want to do things with my life - not for the praise, prestige or money, but for me. Cliche - maybe but it's important to me.

Can I reach all my hopes and dreams through the way I live, feel & view my life now?