It's not actually the middle of Summer.
Last night/tonight night has to be hands down one of the worst nights of my life. I sat there starinf into 'emptiness' for the longest time. I was there but I wasn't!
I spent most of it, either trying to get drunk; and please let me iterate how damn hard I was trying, or in the process of finding and redirecting people to others; not that it was appreciated by most or anything.
It was cold on the way home - it rained. Freezing and bone cutting winds.
The only remote good that came out of it was my cab driver.
Let's see 6'3" remote indian descent and someone in great shape. Not your typical driver. Questions were exchanged and Commercial Road became a focal point, as was relationships - his 'girlfriend'. Every question he had seemed to head towards a particular direction.
I didn't mind; it was nice to have things about me for once - or again. Plus a cab ride, oddly enoughly 30 bucks cheaper...
Not that anything happened, of course.
November 29, 2008
November 20, 2008
Musilosophy
Music is a powerful emotive tool. Careful how you use it.
I hate the Veronicas and the Beatles.
I'm in quite a foul mood right now. More reasons than one but all thanks to certain individuals whom will always manage to suck the fun out of everything; or any sense of happiness as soon as they enter a room.
I hate the Veronicas and the Beatles.
I'm in quite a foul mood right now. More reasons than one but all thanks to certain individuals whom will always manage to suck the fun out of everything; or any sense of happiness as soon as they enter a room.
November 12, 2008
Obtuse
I honestly don't know anyone more obtuse. He is in my family - God, the horror.
As I look at him, readings and trying to comprehend a simple letter, mispronouncing and interpreting everything - I pray to God I am nothing like him. He was thick, thicker than anything he could imagine.
I'm pretty thick sometimes, it sad. I know it.
But I HATE it when people who are clearly indept think their a genius, or those people that ask for help but simply shune everything you tell them - thinking they know better. They believe themselves to truly pocess some third dimensional power of me - or that they at least should have this power. [Maybe I did learn something from that forsaken subject known as Organisation Behavior]
The irony being this is the same person!
You drive me up the wall!
As I look at him, readings and trying to comprehend a simple letter, mispronouncing and interpreting everything - I pray to God I am nothing like him. He was thick, thicker than anything he could imagine.
I'm pretty thick sometimes, it sad. I know it.
But I HATE it when people who are clearly indept think their a genius, or those people that ask for help but simply shune everything you tell them - thinking they know better. They believe themselves to truly pocess some third dimensional power of me - or that they at least should have this power. [Maybe I did learn something from that forsaken subject known as Organisation Behavior]
The irony being this is the same person!
You drive me up the wall!
November 9, 2008
Dysfunction
There are honestly too many things that are simply dysfunctional.
One of the worse things about being dumped is the fact that you gain weight. It doesn't really matter how much of an impact the relationship has on you - you will get fatter. It's so sad. You might end up healthier and fitter on the otherside of it all but in the mean time, it's another pint of ice-cream; which I don't have in my house right but I seriously want one!
Here's a picture!
Another dysfunctional fact about me right now is my inability to study. I swear my talents of procrastinating have honestly reached an all time high. I have never wasted so much time in my life doing absolutely nothing. Well, nothing constructive anyway. I spent potentially hours upon hours research about cars. HOURS! I know nothing about them, but I keep reading and reading. All of which would be better suited to studying but nay.
I have also exhausted youtube to a certain extent. Sad
Thirdly, dysfunction comes in the form of a family dinner I just had. It wasn't the worse - but it does remind me as to why I hate them so much to begin with. It's always awkward for one. We don't talk for one thing and everything that does come out - is sort of forced and/or empty. My conversation with my sister ain't too bad though which is a relief. I'm actually kind of surprised how non-traumatic tonight's dinner was.
I need to leave the house at some point. It might not happen till my exam on Wednesday though. That would need I have not stepped actual sunlight since Friday night. Joy!
One of the worse things about being dumped is the fact that you gain weight. It doesn't really matter how much of an impact the relationship has on you - you will get fatter. It's so sad. You might end up healthier and fitter on the otherside of it all but in the mean time, it's another pint of ice-cream; which I don't have in my house right but I seriously want one!
Here's a picture!
Another dysfunctional fact about me right now is my inability to study. I swear my talents of procrastinating have honestly reached an all time high. I have never wasted so much time in my life doing absolutely nothing. Well, nothing constructive anyway. I spent potentially hours upon hours research about cars. HOURS! I know nothing about them, but I keep reading and reading. All of which would be better suited to studying but nay.
I have also exhausted youtube to a certain extent. Sad
Thirdly, dysfunction comes in the form of a family dinner I just had. It wasn't the worse - but it does remind me as to why I hate them so much to begin with. It's always awkward for one. We don't talk for one thing and everything that does come out - is sort of forced and/or empty. My conversation with my sister ain't too bad though which is a relief. I'm actually kind of surprised how non-traumatic tonight's dinner was.
I need to leave the house at some point. It might not happen till my exam on Wednesday though. That would need I have not stepped actual sunlight since Friday night. Joy!
November 6, 2008
Changing torrents
These past few days have been weird. I have these absurd mood swings. It's not completely unexpected given the circumstances and characteristic of a few other things...
Anyway, it's just annoying how things link with other things. Vague; yes - but the context is not important right now. I think, I would like to think so anyway, people go through this for whatever reasons in given hectic situations and their thoughts become a mess.
Being at home - alone - this since Friday has probably led to my emotions just running how they please without the need for an exterior shield of some kind. No - really, I've haven't had face to face contact with another human being for more than 2 minutes since Saturday. Normally your forced to mingle and 'smile' in a social context whenever appropriate but I think at home, that kind of all goes to hell for most, if not everyone.
I think I've gone through everything emotionally except for relief and maybe joy, maybe. I mainly go through the e'motions' as dictated by my playlist - which I've been told is kind of depressing/angry with the occasional inspirational/uplifting song. I have laughed, even if briefly - mainly thanks to youtube.
Here "THE ULTIMATE DRUNK PEOPLE COMPILATION VIDEO EVER!!!"
and Here "Japanese Classroom Comedy"
Through procrastinating I have also come across other videos like
This was produced sometime in 2007. Kind of ironic now considering the pass of same sex marriage and now the likely YES on Proposition 8 to revoke that same right and retroactively annul 18,000 marriages in the state of California.
Anyway, here is the vid: "Human Right 004"
ETA: According to California State results ,currently it seems like a 52.5% in favour of Prop 8 versus 47.5% who voted No; separated by approximately half a million votes.
I've read somehow that may not be final due to absent ism and provisional ballots - or something, I don't get it considering it's a 100% count. Anyway, this is just sad for this day and age. It's one thing not to pass it, but to revoke something like this which had already been granted. Poor married people...
Yes, I'm also glad Obama won.
Anyway, it's just annoying how things link with other things. Vague; yes - but the context is not important right now. I think, I would like to think so anyway, people go through this for whatever reasons in given hectic situations and their thoughts become a mess.
Being at home - alone - this since Friday has probably led to my emotions just running how they please without the need for an exterior shield of some kind. No - really, I've haven't had face to face contact with another human being for more than 2 minutes since Saturday. Normally your forced to mingle and 'smile' in a social context whenever appropriate but I think at home, that kind of all goes to hell for most, if not everyone.
I think I've gone through everything emotionally except for relief and maybe joy, maybe. I mainly go through the e'motions' as dictated by my playlist - which I've been told is kind of depressing/angry with the occasional inspirational/uplifting song. I have laughed, even if briefly - mainly thanks to youtube.
Here "THE ULTIMATE DRUNK PEOPLE COMPILATION VIDEO EVER!!!"
and Here "Japanese Classroom Comedy"
Through procrastinating I have also come across other videos like
This was produced sometime in 2007. Kind of ironic now considering the pass of same sex marriage and now the likely YES on Proposition 8 to revoke that same right and retroactively annul 18,000 marriages in the state of California.
Anyway, here is the vid: "Human Right 004"
ETA: According to California State results ,currently it seems like a 52.5% in favour of Prop 8 versus 47.5% who voted No; separated by approximately half a million votes.
I've read somehow that may not be final due to absent ism and provisional ballots - or something, I don't get it considering it's a 100% count. Anyway, this is just sad for this day and age. It's one thing not to pass it, but to revoke something like this which had already been granted. Poor married people...
Yes, I'm also glad Obama won.
November 4, 2008
Procrastinating
This has been a major problem for me for a while now and I do mean a "while". I remember back in the days when homework just started to pile up - round about year 10 for me, that it became more than evident. I had always been a person that leave homework to the last minute - oddly its not a trait across everything I do - which is good.
PS I still feel like crap, like there is no end in sight - despite knowing perfectly well that this is not true.
I remember leave things to the night/s before for major 'projects' in year 7/8. Hey, I usually pulled it off by about 11pm and with an A too. Not bad, but you see, that's where it started, my realisation that I was capable of doing these things at the last minute.
Now, that led to the delay of my work further and further into the night and finishing earlier and earlier in the mornings [on the day it is due]. Though that being said, I can no longer maintain a proper standard.
So, these days it usually takes hours upon hours to get anything done - in the area of homework and many days nothing really happens.
I'm digging my own grave here! Exams are looming.
It's a serious problem! Any takers?
PS I still feel like crap, like there is no end in sight - despite knowing perfectly well that this is not true.
I remember leave things to the night/s before for major 'projects' in year 7/8. Hey, I usually pulled it off by about 11pm and with an A too. Not bad, but you see, that's where it started, my realisation that I was capable of doing these things at the last minute.
Now, that led to the delay of my work further and further into the night and finishing earlier and earlier in the mornings [on the day it is due]. Though that being said, I can no longer maintain a proper standard.
So, these days it usually takes hours upon hours to get anything done - in the area of homework and many days nothing really happens.
I'm digging my own grave here! Exams are looming.
It's a serious problem! Any takers?
November 1, 2008
Dumped; more officially - in advance
The title says it all does it not. Though, I for one can't even comment on how incredibly fucked of a twist this has been.
What makes it so hard is the fact, I didn't think I would care.
I do.
I am so numb for words. People say all you can do in these situations is laugh.
I can barely do that.
and that was through this... "The most unfabulous social life of Ethan Green"
It was suppose to be funny. Moving, touching; yes. Ironic; no.
What makes it so hard is the fact, I didn't think I would care.
I do.
I am so numb for words. People say all you can do in these situations is laugh.
I can barely do that.
and that was through this... "The most unfabulous social life of Ethan Green"
It was suppose to be funny. Moving, touching; yes. Ironic; no.
October 31, 2008
Lowest common denominator
All things inclusive, when it get to this level what the fuck you suppose to do?!
October 30, 2008
Fucking demoralized
1. Guys DO indeed possess the capacity to rationalize AND feel emotions.
2. Not ALL gays are sex obsessed maniacs/sluts.
This wouldn't have been the first time it's happened but today has been a new low. After a day, I was tired, my head ached, nose blocked, I was very much sick. I wanted to go Home. My train ran express - but there wasn't a connecting train to my station for quite sometime. Time to tram. I make a short detour along the way into a Borders. I pick up a magazine and begin flipping through the pages, just looking - not after anything in particular.
Now I'm sitting there minding my own business with my ipod clearly in both ears I might add AND here he comes and sits next to me. Not close but his within my periferral vision - which says a bit when your eyes are face down in a book. He does something for sometime, I didn't notice at the time but this guy was some old dude - mid 40s/50 even, white hair, half bold, overweight, thick glasses - dresses like a slob - essentially he IS a slob.
He clears his throat and says 'hi', I give him a half smile; being polite. I go back to reading. AND his staring at me! Just staring...
I look at him again - again half smiling, I quite evidently "adjust" my earbuds and go back to reading. Was so NOT interest and just wanted to be fucking left alone!
He looks away and then back again. Ughh fuck! I try and ignore him and temporarily he leaves. Thank God I thought to myself and for a minute or two I was left alone in peace to just read.
BUT HE FUCKING CAME BACK! He rumages through his bag and then he turns slightly to me in an attempt to talk to me. I ignore him! I was SO FUCKING creeped out at this stage! I was uncomfortable and had kind of turn my back to him and he is still fucking starring, like WTF! My skin had literally began to crawl and I felt sick!
I felt demoralised and cheap, as if I was for rent!
The sleezebag was old and fucking ugly as all hell. Even, if he was YOUNG AND HOT [in which, I would have been momentarily flattered AND THEN FUCKING CREEPED OUT], I still would have ignored him! I was NOT fishing and I was NOT crusing! I JUST FELT SICK! I got up and walked away, almost left with the damnmagazine in my hand (I just left it at the beeper door thingy; just dropped it on the floor.)
I wasn't even on the best terms with my partner but I still called him, EVEN if he was at work. I was so disgusted! I felt dirty! It was beyond comprehension! FUCK!
I mean, WTF. What makes anyone think this that kind of behaviour is okay! The fuckwit essentially reduced me down to a rent boy!
A curious glance or two is fine, it's human nature. How else would you know if the person is interested. But when they clearly aren't then it's JUST FUCKED. BACK OFF!
2. Not ALL gays are sex obsessed maniacs/sluts.
This wouldn't have been the first time it's happened but today has been a new low. After a day, I was tired, my head ached, nose blocked, I was very much sick. I wanted to go Home. My train ran express - but there wasn't a connecting train to my station for quite sometime. Time to tram. I make a short detour along the way into a Borders. I pick up a magazine and begin flipping through the pages, just looking - not after anything in particular.
Now I'm sitting there minding my own business with my ipod clearly in both ears I might add AND here he comes and sits next to me. Not close but his within my periferral vision - which says a bit when your eyes are face down in a book. He does something for sometime, I didn't notice at the time but this guy was some old dude - mid 40s/50 even, white hair, half bold, overweight, thick glasses - dresses like a slob - essentially he IS a slob.
He clears his throat and says 'hi', I give him a half smile; being polite. I go back to reading. AND his staring at me! Just staring...
I knew what he wanted... sadly
I look at him again - again half smiling, I quite evidently "adjust" my earbuds and go back to reading. Was so NOT interest and just wanted to be fucking left alone!
He looks away and then back again. Ughh fuck! I try and ignore him and temporarily he leaves. Thank God I thought to myself and for a minute or two I was left alone in peace to just read.
BUT HE FUCKING CAME BACK! He rumages through his bag and then he turns slightly to me in an attempt to talk to me. I ignore him! I was SO FUCKING creeped out at this stage! I was uncomfortable and had kind of turn my back to him and he is still fucking starring, like WTF! My skin had literally began to crawl and I felt sick!
I felt demoralised and cheap, as if I was for rent!
The sleezebag was old and fucking ugly as all hell. Even, if he was YOUNG AND HOT [in which, I would have been momentarily flattered AND THEN FUCKING CREEPED OUT], I still would have ignored him! I was NOT fishing and I was NOT crusing! I JUST FELT SICK! I got up and walked away, almost left with the damnmagazine in my hand (I just left it at the beeper door thingy; just dropped it on the floor.)
I wasn't even on the best terms with my partner but I still called him, EVEN if he was at work. I was so disgusted! I felt dirty! It was beyond comprehension! FUCK!
I mean, WTF. What makes anyone think this that kind of behaviour is okay! The fuckwit essentially reduced me down to a rent boy!
A curious glance or two is fine, it's human nature. How else would you know if the person is interested. But when they clearly aren't then it's JUST FUCKED. BACK OFF!
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